I am exhausted. I have been with my husband for three years and he has dealt with an awful porn addiction for most of the time that we’ve been together. It is led to us struggling with our sex life since the beginning, but I married him anyways, and I accept that as a mistake of mine when maybe I should’ve waited longer to see how things would pan out. He has stopped watching porn now for two months and says that he has entered a “washout” Where he has no sex drive at all. It has been weeks since we’ve been intimate. I have tried setting scenarios to turn him on, but nothing I do works and he says that nothing right now makes him want to have sex with me.
I’m taking this personally and I don’t want to but it went from him continuously choosing porn over sex with me to now choosing no sex at all if I’m the only option. I have not gained weight, I am attractive and get approached in public often. His porn use has made me hate my body and now it feels like he’s just confirming that I’m not enough and nothing about me can pull him to me anymore. I think that he is so used to getting aroused to explicit sexual material that nothing about me is attractive enough to make him hard or turn him on. He admits it is likely that, that not having porn in his life has crushed his drive. Why am I not enough?
I feel so low.
10 comments
My first thought here is that he could be right, and this could be a temporary “reset” period for him while he resensitizes. Another month or two, things might be better.
I think an important question here that often gets overlooked is… what was he watching? Not all porn is created equal, not all porn is equally harmful to healthy partnered sex. Do you know what he was into, what was required to get him off?
That sucks. Are you positive it stopped? That he just didn’t tell you that it stopped to make you happy? Is he seeking counseling?
Porn, and other things, can completely rewrite your brain into working a new way over time. If he is really off of it, have you guys had an open conversation about sex? Did he develop kinks? If he is legitimately making changes, and you are wanting to help half way, you guys could make it less awkward to talk about by using a structured card game or an app like paired. It might say things like, you both “list 3 fantasies” or “what is the best sex we’ve ever had? What did you like the most about it?” A lot of the time those types of structured things can help you have a conversation about it that you may have not really entertained otherwise.
He may also benefit from going to a testosterone clinic and having his hormones checked. It is shocking how many men these days have low T.
If he really did kick his habit, then that’s great news. Please be patient as he gets himself fully back on track.
Yeah, patience is important here. People complain about this in many other addictions. Have a family member struggle in his marriage after quitting alcohol. Porn is a selfish endeavor, lust is also selfish. You want it now now now, I want my fix, I wanna be turned on, I wanna be satisfied now. Lust has no peace, it’s anxious.
When your brain is wired to please yourself constantly, you don’t feel a desire to please your partner.
Rewiring your brain doesn’t happen quickly which is why I tell everyone simply avoid porn like the plague. Some people use it safely but some people use heroin or crack safely, but anyone who’s an expert and or has experience in addiction would simply say STAY AWAY it’s simply not worth it.
First, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You need to tell yourself that as many times is it takes to sink in.
Porn presents an unrealistic depiction of sex from all aspects. It’s always over the top and the viewer is never subjected to any of the downsides to what they are watching.
There are no unpleasant odors, tastes or sights involved
Often porn will introduce fantasies and desires that will fall very short of the fantasy when tried IRL.
When you have an orgasm while watching porn, it rewires your brain to associate pleasure with what you are watching. The brain cannot differentiate between this and reality.
He is currently going through a withdrawal period (if he actually quit) and will require time to correct.
Is he responsive to any advances? How does he respond to some hawk tua?
What kind of porn was he watching? This is actually important.
You two need to talk about all of this and come up with a plan for the road ahead.
I don’t understand why people keep such big secrets before they get married??
OP I recommend cross posting to the subreddit “Love after porn”. Many women on that subreddit have dealt with your situation 😢
If you pushed him to omitting porn from his life, he may have developed resentment. Like all addicts, they must come to the conclusion that their addictions are a problem on their own.
If he watched porn all the time and replaced sex with you with porn, then that is what was triggering his sex drive. Now he is doing wihtout that and he needs to rewire his sex drive a bit. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with him. I would recommend that you two go to a couple’s therapist that specializes in sexual relationships.
Be patient with him. He is trying to do something that might not be easy for him.
unhealthy codependency here friendo. His attraction to you is no reflection of your worth as a person.