My husband and I have been trying to have kids for a while now and it’s been a long and expensive process and I don’t really see it happening any time soon even though we both desperately want a kid. It’s been frustrating and really hard on both of us.
A few days ago, my husbands sister (27F) approached him and asked if he’d donate his sperm since she and her wife (26F) are unable to have kids of their own.
He’s really excited to do it and is really wanting to do it but said he wouldn’t without my permission. I don’t want to say no because it’s an incredible opportunity to help out his sister and get a little niece or nephew out of it but part of me just feels so uncomfortable. I know it has nothing to do with me but we’ve been trying for so long to no avail and so I just feel incredibly sad and jealous that his first kid might be with someone else and that if it does all work out, our fertility problems are 100% on me and that would be gutting.
I don’t want to be the bitch wife who says no to someone else getting a child with both parents DNA, but at the same time I don’t think I could ever look at that child and see them as someone other than my husbands first kid and be reminded of my own failures.
I know I’m a horrible person, I don’t need to be told that. I just need any sort of advice to maybe look at this in a different way because he’s so excited and I just feel awful and sad and jealous and bitter.I just want a kid of my own with him…
How do I handle this in a way that isn’t going to destroy our relationship one way or another? I just don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if his first kid is with someone else when we’ve been trying for so long…
TDLR: husband and I have been having fertility issues. his sister wants him to act as a sperm donor for her and her wife. I feel really saddened and uncomfortable about the fact that his first kid will most likely be with someone else and I don’t know what to do.
43 comments
Your feelings are very understandable. You are not a bad person. You are carrying around a ton of guilt because of your fertility issues, which are also not your fault!
I think this is a conversation you should be having with a therapist, not strangers on the internet. Are you able to access therapy?
Just tell him the truth. If you already had kids together it wouldn’t be a big deal but his first child cannot be with another woman. It just can’t.
If you can’t speak to your own husband who will you speak to?
You are not a bad person and it’s normal to feel what you do after the struggle you have to be yourself a mother. But you can’t let things happens that will only creat recent and in the final broke your marriage !
Speak up now!!
Ps:personally I think his sister was very insensitive to ask him doing that after everything ! Also it’s kind of gross, You shouldn’t encourage it.
You aren’t meant to be a surrogate until you have had your own children.
Obviously desperate times and little regulation means that some people do but in general, you shouldn’t.
The same should be said for sperm donation.
I don’t know how your husband would react or behave in this situation if he already had a child but I know it would likely be different.
His first biological kid should be your shared baby. It will cause issues when his sister in law gives birth to his first child. I don’t care if they swear it’s a niece or nephew, it’s not.
I would suggest couples therapy and tell him that you’re okay with it ONLY after you have your first baby.
His first biological baby should come out of you. It will break your heart to watch him hold his baby he shares with someone else. It will destroy your marriage.
You’re not a bad person. This would GUT me. I don’t know what I would do in your shoes. Could they give you guys a year to keep trying first?
AFTER you two have had your first baby, not before. otherwise it will absolutely devastate you, and possibly end your marriage.
If you don’t stop it now it will destroy your relationship.
His sisters partner, carrying your husbands baby, is he going to be able to separate his feelings when he sees his baby.
If you had kids of your own and were done , then yeah, maybe. But the fact you’re trying wouldn’t sit right with me.
Tell him you’re not comfortable with him having a child with someone else, whether he is going to be uncle-daddy or not.
And offer to help towards payment of a sperms doner
Honestly i’d sit down and tell him what you just wrote. If he knows how you feel, he might not want to do it anymore. You’re not a horrible person at all!
From everything I’ve seen, heard and read, this sounds like a very bad idea. I certainly wouldn’t be happy about it. There is a reason that most people do not use relatives’ gametes to create surrogate babies.
Tell him he can do it after you have your own child. He should understand and respect that.
Talk to him.
He’s your husband.
Yeah that would be tough but I presume he really really wants a baby. However are they going to tell this child he’s the biological father? Is he going to get involved? Is he going to want custody of this kid? What happens if the two of them split up will they go after him for child support? I mean there’s a lot of questions and legalities to work out here. Just don’t assume everything will be fine because it’s family.
To me it’s horribly insensitive. I would talk to him and my answer would be no. The first time he helps create a child, and it’s for someone else? That’s not okay.
I can’t believe his sister would ask, assuming she knows. And if she doesn’t know, tell her.
Pretty insensitive of his sister to ask for his sperm knowing how y’all are having issues getting pregnant. That’s a very deep and personal situation I know you’re going through. You are NOT selfish or a bitc* by wanting to have YOUR husband’s first child. You could always tell him that right now, emotionally, isn’t a good time. Maybe later on down the road you’ll hopefully be in a much better place with your own child.
Sending you a hug.❤️
Tell him honestly how you feel. I agree with others that his first child shouldn’t be with another woman.
Also being a sperm donor for someone you know is enormously complicated emotionally and legally. If they were to do this at some point in the future, it should be through a recognized agency. What rights and obligations will he have toward the child? Don’t try to do this informally because it’s family.
First off, you’re not a bad person. Your thoughts and feelings are perfectly fine, and very understandable.
I would feel the same. And it’s absolutely OK to be selfish about something THIS big. His first kid should be with you. And his priorities, focus and energy should be on you starting your family, not others.
Does his sister and Co know about your situation? If so, I actually think they’re bad people…
You should be able to tell him the truth, with focus on your feelings and say no, without it hurts your relationship. It it destroys it, it’s because he’s an 🍑🧢 … And not that good of a partner after all.
Info: have you confirmed the fertility troubles are with you?
I ask because you say indicate that it is not confirmed who is the issue.
1. You should be able to determine the issues with the infertility. It may be caused by both of you. 1/3 of the time is the woman, 1/3 is the man, 1/3 is both.
2. Please talk to a therapist about both the infertility issues and this new request from your SIL. Bring your husband in once you establish a safe space.
Weird and insensitive of them to ask.
Cruel of your husband to force you into this position.
Him wanting to have a child outside of your marriage? that should be a deal breaker.
He’s got you feeling like a horrible person for not wanting him to have a child with someone else? Does he even care about you?
Your husband and his sister are cruel, selfish assholes. I wouldn’t want to be part of a family like that.
Discuss it with your husband. Let him know how you feel.
Addressing your fertility, have you and your husband been to a doctor yet?
My parents were married 14 years when my older brother was conceived. They were in the process of adoption. My mom became pregnant with my older brother. They went on to have me and my two younger brothers.
First baby my mom was 33. That was in 1957.
Counseling before any such donation occurs because this needs to be worked out. This is a painful topic and he needs to realize that the child may be his biologically but already has parents. And how much it will hurt if she gets pregnant from his donation.
Are you and your husband seeing a specialist? If your husband is the issue (inadequate sperm or mobility issues), would he consider using donor sperm for your family? Would he accept donor sperm for you if she gets pregnant and you don’t as a way to check for compatibility issues (some women will produce antibodies to their husband’s semen).
There are so many possibilities and from your post it seems like you just keep trying intercourse, but no mention of medical diagnosis or testing. I agree with others here that a child for the two of you outranks providing a child for another family right now. Find out exactly why the two of you are having difficulty conceiving.
Have you been to a doctor yet to address the fertility issues you’re having? Are you sure it’s an issue with you and not your husband?
Truthfully, a relationship is going to be destroyed regardless of how it ends up. If you say no, his relationship with his sister and possibly the rest of his family is never going to be the same. If you say yes, his relationship wtih you may not be the same (if you allow it to go that path).
People are saying that he should tell them no until you have a child but we don’t know how long you have been trying and if that’s a possibility for you. Have you and your husband also discussed what the options would be if you two couldn’t have kids (whether it’s him or you with the fertility issue)? Surrogacy? Adoption? Fostering?
You need to do two things- speak to a therapist regarding your fertility issues and how it is making you feel and also speak to your husband. Go into each conversation understanding and open to whatever the outcomes maybe.
Question: Why is he really excited to do this? Is it just to help his sister become a mother. Or…..does he see this as still being dad adjacent? He will see the child regularly. Will he be okay with not being the childs dad and having to watch them, parent? I don’t think you are a horrible person at all. Sit him down and really explain how okaying this will affect you. And I would consider sitting down with your SIL’s to explain why this ask is hard for you. I have fertility issues, I don’t think I could be the bigger person in this scenario.
I get the comment about not wanting your husband’s first child to be with someone other than you but I don’t understand your comment about it proving that your fertility problems are yours and not his.
You said that you have been trying to have kids for a while and it has been a long and expensive process but you don’t see yourself having a child any time soon. If you have been spending a lot of money on fertility treatments then surely testing has been part of that? Has your husband been tested to show he has viable sperm? Do you have viable eggs?
If the answer is yes to both questions then I fail to see why you would automatically assume that the problem is yours.
Maybe this is a weird question but can you ask for a trade? Like, you’ll agree to the sperm donation if they agree to be surrogates for a baby for you and your husband? Or if they are willing to donate eggs for you and your husband? What they’re asking is a really huge thing to ask of a couple who is going through infertility and I think it would be okay to ask for something in return.
Does. your SIL know you yourselves are struggling to conceive? This is a really insensitive request if so.
You just posted this yesterday, with a different account, but exactly the same post, word for word. What’s up with that?
This sub is getting wild with the creative writing exercises for attention. So weird.
I think you can always tell him you don’t feel comfortable with this. FWIW I would be horrified at the idea of my partner being a biological parent to any child that is not mine. I don’t think you need to force yourself into some convoluted idea of what a good person is. Your sister-in-law can go to an actual sperm bank.
How has it been a long and expensive process if you don’t even know what your/his fertility issue is?
>if it does all work out, our fertility problems are 100% on me and that would be gutting.
You can literally look at sperm under a $20 microscope from a toy store. I’m so confused how you can spend a long expensive process but not want to know what the problem is.
There should be some sort of girl code. You’re struggling, so taking your effort away for their own selfish needs is so toxic. It doesn’t sound like anyone cares for your feelings in this. Just cruel and mean
You need to tell your husband and his sister how you feel. If they go through with this if your husband isn’t the cause of your fertility issues and they get pregnant by your own admission of jealousy you’ll resent the hell out of that child. No child deserves to grow up being resented because of someone else’s jealousy. But be prepared that your relationship with your husband and sister in law will change.
My own father got approached by one of my parents, best friends who asked him to be a sperm donor. Ultimately, he declined.
The issue was that he couldn’t see someone who was more or less his child but not a part of his family. Basically, it would not be possible for him to shake the feeling that he was a father figure. I think the two of you need to seriously consider that kind of obstacle.
Relationship counseling would be good in this instance, I think
Unpopular opinion but…… Honestly I would straight up NOT be ok with this and I would just tell my husband I am uncomfortable with this situation. Your feelings are valid. You are married to this man. You have a right to say no to something that makes you uncomfortable in your relationship.
It is understandable that you want to help his sister out, but it could destroy your relationship in the long run. Tell him how you really feel about this.
Everyone is quick to suggest therapy but some of the best therapy I have ever had is simply long private talks with my husband about how I feel.
Op you need to tell all of this to your husband. All of these feelings you are having are completely understandable and valid. Of course it would hurt if your husband had a child with someone else before you, no matter what the situation is. You need to be honest, if not, your feelings towards the situation is what is going to destroy your relationship. I think it’s quite insensitive of your sil and partner to ask for his sperm knowing you guys are having trouble conceiving. Also how does your husband not see this as fucked up. You need to tell the truth that you want your husband’s first child to be with you, his wife. There is nothing wrong with that. You as his wife have every right and deserve to be the mother of his first child. For them to know you are struggling with the process and still ask for this donation is just incredibly insensitive and in poor taste. Don’t just roll over and let your feelings be stomped on. This is your husband you have a say in this tell him how you feel and how it’s not okay.
I haven’t read any other responses yet, but I have to say this is a gutting situation. I would feel precisely the way you are now. This is really a tough one. Know that a stranger is feeling very moved by your post.
I think it’s quite rude and insensitive that they even asked him, not to mention that he wants to do this.
Your feelings are understandable. It’s a natural emotion. Having conflicting feelings too is normal. I would suggest talking to a therapist who specializes in fertility issues. They can help you navigate your feelings.
NTA. I would not be okay with this. I understand he’d be “helping” them, but ultimately he would be having a baby with another woman. He would never be able to look at this baby as only his niece or nephew. He will know this is his baby.
If you never are able to have children with him you will always be resentful of this child. I don’t think it would end well for anyone.
They can get sperm from someone else. There will undoubtedly be relationship consequences if he goes through with this. Don’t do it.
Tell him *absolutely not* and show him this post, it explains EXACTLY how it is making you feel… Not only does it make you feel this way that makes it not okay for this to happen, but it is NOT fair to ever ask a married person to do this! ESPECIALLY a married couple who has been TRYING to have children for a long time…
The fact that they even asked is disgusting to me because they know how long you’ve been trying and its disgusting that your husband would even consider saying yes and throwing YOU under the bus as to who has the final say…*IT WAS INCREDIBLY SELFISH AND INSENSITIVE OF THEM TO EVEN ASK*…. It is NOT selfish or bitchy to say no to something as sacred to you as you and your husband having your own children first before considering something as serious as this.
Info:
Has he had fertility testing?
Have you had fertility testing?
What does your fertility specialist suggest for you and your fertility issues?
when you are trying to conceive, why would he do what is the equivalent of “Squirrel!” for his sister?
This is a 2 Yeses are needed in the relationship, not just a 1 unilateral.
If you do without reservation approve him donating sperm, you (as a couple) MUST use a licensed medical provider for this service with legal contracts amount all parties.
“…his first kid might be *with* someone else…”
The first thing if you’re going to have to come to terms with supporting this is to understand all the way down that he isn’t having a kid “with” anyone else.