My mother has never appeared to fully accept my fiance as a part of the family even though we’ve been together 6 years. My father seems to be pretty neutral as he is with most things. But I don’t think my mom has ever intentionally been malicious towards my fiance, but sometimes occasionally rude or not inclusive. I have addressed those issues before and they have seemed to clear up generally.
We have our engagement party tomorrow, which we did not ask for, but did approve for her to plan and host. My mom asked what we were wearing and I said (whatever I’m wearing) and that my fiance “would be wearing a white dress, because the bride always wears white”. I felt like that would’ve been enough of a hint to avoid the disaster of my mom becoming “the bad mother-in-law” but I saw a picture of her dress and it is 70% white.
My Fiance is certain this was intentional. Given my mother’s controlling and self centered attitude, it’s believable but I don’t want to jump to that conclusion. I’ve told my fiance that during the party, we need to ignore the fact that she chose to wear white, and address it later. My mom thrives on petty confrontation and I refuse to give her the time of day for it. But this needs to be addressed. My father in the past had been a voice of reason and is my personal mentor (I wouldn’t be who I am without him). I want to consult my dad about what he thinks because I’m certain she asked him because I know she asked my grandmother.
I don’t disagree with my fiance that she shouldn’t be wearing white but I don’t know how to address my mother. I know if I go straight to her she’s going to get upset and hate my fiance more. If I go to my father he might just say ignore it and my fiance will be mad I didn’t stand up for her. I want my fiance and mother to have a good relationship but so far it just seems like they are petty towards each other for no reason. My mother will always play the victim card but I’m always the one who ends up getting hurt.
How do I address the situation in a way where I don’t seem accusatory but also seem defensive of my fiance. All we want and deserve is respect and we don’t feel like we are getting it.
Edit: for those of you curious, I’m a broadcast engineer and my fiance is an RN. Together we make about 150k a year and have been together 6 years so there’s no issues with rushing into marriage before we’re financially or emotionally ready. My fiance has always come to family events and all of my extended family loves her. But my mother still doesn’t accept her. and her whole family tree loves me, even the judgmental uncle who swears he would never approve of me. (I played golf with him and it changed his mind)