alcoholics anonymous made me socially miserable

i isolated in my drug use kept it in wraps and tried to overcome it on my own. rehab brainwashed me to be honest about shit and it led to oversharing info to others or admitting because apparently omitting info and being vulnerable is considered lying. i tried this spiritual route and wound up getting taken advantage of and not being able to set boundaries, in other words weak.

i showed my vulnerable weakest side at my lowest point this year when i relapsed and finally mustered up 20 days clean. the process made me cringe and my best friend would not stop calling me and my people pleaser side came out and i just broke down talking to him since i felt suicidal and was not in the right state of mind off no sleep and now lost the respect and support of my best friend, i’m pretty bitter now and don’t know how to conduct myself. i. college before i did drugs i was outgoing but slick with my words. then i adopted this naive way of thinking and self esteem issues after a professional mentorship abuse as an intern. and after rehab i changed from a person that i didn’t feel was me as i was pushed to be more “open” leading to be more impulsive etc.

i hate to say it but i used to charm people to get what i wanted or to meet professional objectives. i was always calculated and logical but also took care in making sure i make the other person feel good, since i know people really only remember how you make them feel. recovery programs like aa say rigorous honesty and being vulnerable is key. the thing is in adult life or corporate life is not like this naive bullshit way of thinking. friends ditch you once you lose your value to them. when i got into this business minded hustler aspect i achieved a lot of things but in the end got burned with my expectations of what true friends are like and now don’t trust anybody.

i always think before i speak and was careful not being too honest but tried adopting this other route. but i misconstrued things assuming the general population is like the recovery bubble.

i try to be fair and make sure it s a mutual gain in professional relationships. recovery tried to turn me into a saint and help other people at the expense of my own mental health or needs ultimately being taken advantage of.

i don’t know i’m just a young man just rebuilding himself and reflecting on what worked and didn’t work in the past. wtf is genuine honesty? i never lied to people except when i used drugs as in i would carry the guilt and shame. but now i’m facing the negative consequences after being “open”

is it better to leave the past as the past and being selective like i was on who to be “open with” and to be more slick and street smart instead of naively kind and a “nice” person? i’m just resentful at how that approach made my initial year of sobriety TERRIBLE, and i wish i just kind of held my shit in like a real man and overcame it and grinded. maybe i’m just growing up and realize true friends just come and go regardless, and you can’t trust anybody and have to be smart and filter everything and never expose your weaknesses or true feelings or share key personal jeopardizing info for the sake of “rigorous honesty”. i think it’s smarter to be selective , don’t lie but don’t divulge more info then needed and deliver how you feel ina. rationale way that won’t hurt both parties if possible

sorry just butt hurt at my best friend ghosting me when he said “how many times do you have to destroy yourself and rebuild yourself”. i did choose to relapse 9 months ago but i’d largely blame that from the meds i was in that fuckdd up my bloodwork causing my mental state to be altered.