I’m ‘35M’ ‘F 33’ my wife, and have a little boy (3) in common. We also have a business and a home together and have been married for 6 years.
For a little bit of context, I grew up in a family of 5 and I’m the middle one. She grew up in a family of 4 and she is a twin with her brother.
I grew up with in a matriarchal household but both parents always being very present. We used to hang out every weekend and go to the beach or hangout with other family (very family oriented and always very close). But my mother was primarily in charge.
My wife grew up in a very abusive household and her dad used to always beat her, her mom and her brother up. Her parents divorced and have both moved on to other relationships. She has accepted her past and has decided to move on and try to make amends with her father. They do have a relationship now.
We live a pretty good life in my opinion. We make decent money (200k) per year and I’m home everyday. I try to help with the chores at home. We travel as much as we can and live relatively stress free when it comes to paying our bills. My job, however is very mentally demanding at times.
For additional context, my parents, like all parents are not perfect. My mother used to be very judgmental and critical of people. I say “used to” because she has tried to do better. My father, has always spoken his mind and not in the nicest way possible. He is also very stubborn and narrow minded with a lot of things. They mean well, but it comes across as not accepting, and just mean.
My wife has never been the one to bite her tongue, but according to her she has in order to keep peace.
Our biggest issue, and possibly the one that could divorce us, is that she feels like I don’t give her her place with my parents, and that I don’t stand up for her and our family. She feels like I always just want to appease my mother, and father and that I don’t consider her. For instance, my sons birthday is coming up in a few months and this past weekend we mentioned to my parents that we weren’t really celebrating his birthday and we may just do like a Chuck E. Cheese type birthday party. My mom responded saying that she wanted to throw him an actual birthday party with a small piñata, Etc. I didn’t think too much of it because in my mind “she just wants to celebrate him…why not”. My wife took it as encroaching on our arrangement and decision that we were just going to do a small thing at Chuck E. Cheese. I do admit, that when my wife brought up her concern I did brush it off initially but then came to realize that she might be right, and that my mom may be encroaching. I still don’t see her celebrating my kid and wanting to throw him a birthday party as a big deal, but can see where she is coming from.
There was another instance in which my dad was calling her out on how she talked to me at a family dinner and she felt like he attacked her. She then got upset with me because I did not defend her.
My dad later apologized because according to him, he never should get involved in other marriages or give opinions. But my wife had already made up her mind on it. I do see where my dad was wrong here, and how she feels like I didn’t defend her. To her, this is basically how the entire relationship has gone for us. She thinks I don’t give her the respect and defend her.
I love my wife very much but it does feel at times that I am stuck between my parents and her and I hate that it’s that way.
Outside of that, we also have some issues with our sex life. She admitted to me that she just wasn’t feeling satisfied sexually particularly because of my size. Given that I don’t have a small penis, but just isn’t enough. This started coming up roughly a year after she had our kid. She enjoys it when I use a sleeve but I don’t want to use it every time. I often don’t mind because I see she enjoys it, but just doesn’t feel the same for me… mentally I just don’t feel like I’m enough for her. We typically have sex once a week or once every two weeks (wish it were more).
Is there a path forward here? I hate the idea of not seeing my kid every day, and I hate the idea of divorce. She really is a good person, and a good wife overall, but how do we get past these issues?
If we have already done couples therapy, what else could we try?
I know it’s all over the place, but how do you summarize someone’s marital issues with as much context as possible?
5 comments
I normally advocate counseling, especially when I see business owners, home owners, kids involved. I feel she is jealous of your relationship with your parents. I think she has mental health issues. She is stuck in a victim cycle. You totally lost me at the cock sleeve part. I don’t care if you have a micro penis. She is being disgusting. She married you, she had a kid with you. Why would you wait years to bring that up, That went to far for me. Sounds like she is trying to break you down. Trying to Isolate you from your family. To control you. I would move forward with a divorce. You deserve better.
Regarding her parents: You can stop dismissing her and start actually listening to and respecting her and her feelings.
Regarding the sex: She can stop dismissing you, and you two can agree on some compromises. Sometimes you have sex how she prefers, sometimes you have sex how you prefer. This should be roughly equal. You can also explore sex in different ways and try different positions and find something you both enjoy more.
You can try a different therapist, but no therapist is going to matter if both of you aren’t willing to do the work it takes to make it work.
If the Chuck E. Cheese example is indicative of your marriage then yeah. I can totally see where your wife is coming from. It doesn’t matter if you planned to watch movies at home with some popcorn or go on a trip around the world. You made a plan with your wife and you gave up that plan without consulting her because you thought mom’s suggestion was better.
What you should have done is say “Thanks for the generous offer. I’ll talk to Wife about it and let you know”. But no. Your first instinct is to not only cancel plans but also dismiss your wife’s opinions and feelings about it.
When you describe someone as speaking their mind and not being nice about it, it’s usually a code for “they’re being an asshole but it’s family!”. I don’t give a shit if you’re family or the goddamn pope. You don’t get to be an asshole. Period.
You’re not stuck between your wife and your parents. You don’t have your priorities set. Who are you building your life with? Your parents or your wife?
Get a different marriage therapist the one you used probably wasn’t the correct fit for either of you, or you both didnt open up and share properly. Also you wife might want to talk tk a gynecologist sounds like she has issues from her pelvic floor if she doesn’t want to you could look into pelvic floor trainers that help to to work it out more efficiently. And if your wife is working as you said you own the business together so she’s doing same /simular work load and still doing child care and house hold chores (u said you try to do them but some one has to be doing them all) write a list of what you do and what she does and see the difference and where you can help more and on the list if it says say garden mowing make sure you say once a week and if its say tidying make sure each room is listed and how often ect ..she could be suffering with burn out why not supprise her with a an afternoon spa day while you watch kid/s :). And you both need to communicate better you her and your child are your immediate family now your parents and hers are you extended family so you must protect and stand up for them more expecially when you know your parents are over stepping
When you say “we have already done couples therapy” what exactly does that mean? You each said things and the therapist gave you guidance and how to improve? Or she said things and you said “yeah maybe she’s right, but”? If you go to a therapist but don’t do the work, then nothing will change.
The two examples you have clearly demonstrate how you **don’t** have her back.