Well long story short I’m the dumpee of a ten and a half month relationship. I 22F dated 20M for about ten and a half months, and we met at church (church retreat to be specific). I was very indecisive about getting into a relationship in the beginning because he was obviously younger than me and it had been a year since I was sexually assaulted. He had never dated anyone before me, and was very much so trying to pursue me. We hung out for about three weeks when he tried to ask me to be his girlfriend, and I wanted to wait. About two weeks later I ended up dating him anyways. I drove him around to most places because his parents were working on getting him a car which he received about three months later around Christmas. Everything was going great for the first couple of months until around the time my grandfather died. This period of time was very traumatic for me because my grandfather was put on a ventilator out of no where and died two weeks later in my father’s birthday. He knew all of this was going on and was there for support until a situation happened when I needed to get a dress for the funeral. I’m more of a petite curvy shaped person. Which can make finding clothes that feet me just right a little harder. The dress that I was going to go with was a classy Calvin Klein long sleeved dress. He apparently did not like this dress because he thought it “eventuated my curves a little too much.” This honestly pissed me off and made me go silent. After this I put the dress up and decided to go home and see what I could find in my closet. Before we exited the store he was apologizing because he knew he had made me upset and tried to buy the dress for me. I declined and said I did not wish for him to buy me the dress. Just in case anyone was wondering, I am a very modest person and I do not dress like a h*e or anything. Anyways when we arrived back at my apartment he cried and apologized and told me that what he did was not showing me love or being there for me, and I forgave him for this incident.
The next month was just fine I spent Christmas with him and his family, then there was New Year’s Eve. My 93 year old great grandmother passed away. I didn’t take her death as harshly as my grandfather’s.
Even though I was processing this better it’s never easy to say goodbye to someone. On this very day he decided he wanted to take kissing off of the table. That it was too much of a temptation in our relationship for sexual things. I will admit that we struggled with our attractions to one another, as most people do. But this was not the day to do this. I’d been dealing with so much that day that this was the last thing I needed. I told him I didn’t know how I felt about this, because kissing wasn’t always sexual to me, and I advised him to speak with out pastor which he did. Our pastor told him that it doesn’t always have to have a sexual connotation and that it seemed I wanted to do it to be closer to him (which was true.) He ended up decided to not go through with this but in all honesty is made me very upset.
I tried to act normal about everything and told him that maybe he should talk to a therapist if he’s really worried about things. He acted like this was a good idea but never went.
Two or three weeks later he comes over and brings a present for me. It was his mother’s promise ring that his father had given to her. I was so elated by this and it gave me a sense of relief.
Fast forward to a two months later we had been having some arguments. He seemed to be holding in a lot of his thoughts. Particularly that we seemed to be miscommunicating a lot and getting mad at one another. We ended up sitting down and talking this over and I told him that I always wanted him to tell me how he feels. I can never fix the way I’m acting or treating him if he doesn’t tell me. We seemed to be doing good, and one night a s*xual kind of situation had kind of happened that he ended up starting. In all honesty I felt some guilt after and told him I was ready for marriage because I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. He ended up telling me he wasn’t sure about marriage right now. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I ended up getting up and going home. I didn’t speak to him for a few days, and I cried quite a bit. He asked me if he could come over and speak to me. I ended up letting him come over, but I honestly could barely look at him. He tried to console me while I starred at the wall and wept. He confessed to me that he had so many doubts and questions another himself and his ability to lead me. He had also been struggling with “self touching” because of the stress and school and our relationship.
I forgave him after all of this and he seemed to be seeking out help. This lasted for maybe a month.
In May we attended his friends wedding in another state. We honestly had a pretty good time and it was a great road trip. The dress that I was going to where to this wedding was one he really liked. After all I wanted him to think I looked pretty, but I honestly didn’t love the dress. I told him I was going to take it back and get the green dress I liked. Well for my birthday which was the week before this wedding he actually went and bought the green dress for me. This honestly felt like one of the best gifts ever, he even got my dress size right.
About three days after this wedding we drove down to the beach for a trip with my family. I was so excited for this and it was his first time at the beach. About two days in we go to the pool at the condo, and he tells me that he feels like my bathing suit bottoms are too revealing. This ended up making me angry and I told him that I barely had enough money to get a swimsuit for this trip. He told me that he would buy me whatever swimsuit I wanted (that was more covering ofc.) This made me so annoyed with him for the rest of the trip. He kept trying to make it seem like everything was normal but it didn’t feel that way to me. He also tried to bring everything up at 11pm at night. We could have gone outside and took a walk or something during the day if he wanted privacy.
By the of the trip I apologized to him and told him I was so sorry if I had alienated him or made him feel unwanted. He accepted the apology gladly.
Honestly the next few months of summer went pretty good. We still struggled with some temptations, but after this would happen he would tell me that when we were married it wouldn’t feel wrong like it does now. This gave me so much hope for the future.
At this point in time I was coming over every Saturday to clean his apartment and at least once a week to cook a meal there. He seemed to appreciate it and would offer to help but I usually wanted to handle it.
He really didn’t know how to clean that well and it could be due to his mother literally doing everything in their household.
I started to lighten up on this towards the end and just made him a list for each day. We had a talk about this because he told me that he felt very overwhelmed by cleaning sometimes and didn’t know where to start. I would like to add that he worked maybe 15 hours a week during the summer and didn’t work at all during the school year. I worked 40 hours a week during the summer and at least 25 during the school year.
A couple of weeks before school started a took him to the airport to fly home. He wanted to go home for a few weeks since his birthday was also right before school. I had missed him so much during this time, but I ended up going out there for his birthday.
When my plane was coming into the airport it was very late at night and I had been yelled at by a drunk man. This situation made me want to cry because I was so overwhelmed and tired. I texted him and told him the situation before I got off of the plane. He never hugged me when I walked up. He spoke to me in a kind way but no affection. This made me feel so isolated and sad that I was angry. When we got in the car I didn’t know what to do with myself. He kept driving and tried to make small talk, but before I could think I said “are you going to feed me or not?” I shouldn’t have said this at all. I ended up crying and apologizing. We got some food and went back to his parents house. He still had not hugged me or shown me affection which was extremely weird for him. I voiced this to him before I went to bed and he tried to give me a hug after that but I told him I didn’t want to make him give me a hug I wanted him to do it because he wanted to. He came in my room before I went to bed and gave me a hug. I hoped the next morning would be better but again he didn’t touch me. I tried to go stand close and hoped he maybe would then, but he didn’t. About an hour later he noticed I went and sat in the corner by myself and tried to come over and act like he was interested in what I was doing but I just couldn’t speak much. I wanted to ball my eyes out. We went to his sisters house that afternoon and he really didn’t speak to me that much or to anyone else. That night I decided to have a talk with him. I told him that I’m sorry for how I acted when I first showed up and I didn’t want this weekend to be about me but about him. It was his birthday and I really wanted him to enjoy it.
He ended up kissing me and made an inappropriate situation happen. I could see immediately after that he felt guilty. I hugged him and told him it was okay but he should probably go to him room. Long story short there were a few more weird situations with how he was acting but I didn’t know if it was because of the environment.
A few days later I flew back home and moved into my new apartment.
I had been talking to him on the phone but everything felt off to me and he forgot to tell me he loved me on the phone.
A week later I went to pick him up from the airport and I took him back to his place. He came over to my place about an hour later. He at me down on the couch and said “ you were right about the last few weeks feeling weird and I think we should break up. We want different things in life. You want to go to speech pathology school and there’s nothing wrong with that. You also said that you wanted two children, and I always imagined myself for the stay at home wife and a ton of kids. I also noticed that being back home I just wasn’t stressed out anymore and I feel like we miscommunicate so much. I also don’t think it’s fair to you that I didn’t miss you when I was gone.” I never said I just wanted two children I’ve always wanted quite a few. In this moment I couldn’t reply because I was so blindsided. I asked him to leave my apartment soon after I handed the promise ring back to him. That night he tried to text me “I’ll be around if you want to talk.” And “if you still want to be friends “ I replied to him that I didn’t wish to speak to him because it felt like a year of wishing for things went down the drain. I asked him that night to bring my stuff to me he tried to reply by saying “ OK, I’ll put it in the mailbox” I asked him to bring me my stuff in person and I wished to speak to him. I told him that he was not mature enough for a relationship let alone a marriage. If you think an a marriage, there’s not going to be miscommunication you are sorely mistaken. I also brought up that what if I couldn’t have children I just lose my value to you? The entire time he showed no emotion on his face, but with a smug smile. After this, I pretty much cut off all communication. Other than to let him know. I was going to a certain church event, etc. about a week after the break up he drives past my house. My home is nowhere near his route to his house. I guess he thought that I wouldn’t be sitting on my porch at 7 o’clock at night, my dilemma here is that we go to the same church. I don’t know what to do about this. I feel weird and I think it is really odd that he is driving past my home when he is the one that broke up with me. There’s also some debate in my family if he came up with breaking up with me or if a family member pushed him to it. At the end of the day, it was good that this ended, but I don’t know what to do right now.
What advice do you have for me?
Do you think something else was going on specifically?
Sorry if there are typos