Now to preface this I’m not at a place where I’ve completely lost faith and not trying to focus on it too much but I just came here to have a little rant and get it off my chest.
I am 27F, around 5ft, work out regularly, educated with a good job in the city, try put effort into my appearance, hardly use social media (no insta/twitter etc), like to travel, read, try new foods. But most importantly I value kindness, integrity, thoughtfulness, humility and honesty and do my best to live and treat others with those values.
For some background I’ve struggled with a lot of self esteem issues growing up and never really had a big support system, so after going through a toxic breakup I got therapy and it has been life changing for me and my confidence and perspective on the world. My confidence has really grown and I’m in a position where I truly love myself and enjoy working on myself and have embraced the loneliness in a way.
But sometimes I do miss being in a relationship and it does feel like everything in my life is sorted except for the relationship aspect, I just think it would be nice to have a partner to do life experiences with. I also find myself getting increasingly broody and I wouldn’t want to have children so soon or without marriage so I know it would take some time and it is really important to me I choose the right person to be the father of my children.
Howeverrr i am finding it hard to meet someone! I have tried the apps (where I haven’t had any luck because there’s not been one person I’ve met where I’ve felt chemistry, and some guys are terrible with communication they will not follow up on plans and I find that disrespectful of someone’s time tbh, I’ve concluded I’m better off meeting someone in real life instead). some guys have approached me while I’m out (on the train, at the gym) but I’ve struggled connecting with anyone emotionally. But I wonder if this is because my therapy has made me get more into spirituality where I’ve been reading and understanding more on consciousness and enlightenment and I’m not sure many men I meet have reached this level or more importantly, are open to understanding and learning just generally how to be a better person (I’m not saying I’m the finished product, I am on a journey myself but someone with understanding and openness is what I’m looking for).
I’m going to make a sweeping generalisation and this is just from what I’ve seen and that’s why I wanted to post this to have this stereotype debunked and my faith restored, but I usually see some type of insecurity in men which then triggers certain behaviours (e.g. men being secretive, needing attention from other women, not being able be honest to their partner because they are afraid, being intimidated/feeling emasculated) and usually this stems from childhood/past trauma/ conditioned beliefs etc, and I probably find it difficult not to delve deeper when I feel someone is not being authentic and then probably come across too pushy and interrogating. I probably have suggested therapy to a lot of guys (with a lot of pushback lol) but I am realising it is not my place but I just find it hard when I get to know a human being I just want to help them
Idk where I was going with this now, but basically I think I do like someone with depth and who has been through something tough in life so they can relate to those feelings, but most people I meet haven’t gone through the healing journey or are not willing to. I just want a self assured strong man with a stable ego, emotional maturity, respect, love, compassion but in my head I still have a lingering belief that yes maybe men can be like that, until women come into the picture and that is their weakness and where their ego will fall short, I’m struggling to believe a man can be truly loyal (atleast to some of the levels women can be).
I don’t know if it’s the men I’m attracting, I wish I had the confidence to approach the men I like but I guess im afraid of rejection/ if they have a partner, and I don’t want to lead anyone on because it takes me a lot to like someone. I think I’m answering a lot of own questions here as I write this because I realise how picky/ overthinking I probably am. Another issue I think I have is I find myself physically attracted to a certain type, which might be quite limiting, and although I am open minded to everything, having the physical chemistry match is a huge huge plus.
But what I’m trying to say is, I am ready to be the perfect girlfriend the perfect wife, how do I meet the perfect person?