I’m an introvert and extremely extremely insecure about myself. Socializing gives me anxiety and makes me nervous & conscious like I would literally rather kxll myself.
Besides having all that heavy weight to live with, I also fxked up in life and after high school wasted 3-4 years of my life running behind a course I couldn’t get in in the end (medical school). So those years, I only interacted with the people I used to go to studying academy with, and when pandemic hit, I totally isolated myself and didn’t interact with anyone besides family. Now, I’ve completely lost the sense of human interaction. When I’m on college, I try to force myself to interact with these people and try to get out of the shell, maybe try enjoying life, it just makes me wanna kill myself. I look like such a dumbass, loser and dull I can’t even explain.
I try befriending someone but it only lasts long enough since they’re mostly extroverted (and not so low on self esteem) that they have friends all over the college and they hang out with people. I can’t do that, I don’t know how to! I don’t even take of my masks because how insecure I feel about my fxking ugly face! It’s stressful as hell!
I really deserve better, I just wish I was a little early so I wouldn’t have had to be in class with people so young I can’t relate to. I wish I was in a medical school so I had people I can find common ground with. I wish I was a little better at studying so I wouldn’t have to feel like such a loser everyday in class. I wish I was a little beautiful so I wouldn’t have to feel so conscious about my face and my skinny hands that I always hide by wearing full shirts even though it’s burning hot out there. I just wish life was a little simpler but every single day is a struggle, I don’t even know why I’m going on.
No I don’t have a social media account because I know nobody is bothered enough to contact me. No I’m not on Instagram because I don’t have a life (or face) worth portraying. No I click pictures because childhood Insecurties have gotten to me and I can’t face camera ever again without being absolutely awkward. No I don’t wanna be friends you guys because I know you will use my as your puppy who never says no and I don’t want that anymore, I’ve had enough of that in school.
1 comment
You are young, and you can still change your life. You have time to change your mind about things and explore what you want to do with your life. If you seek mentorship from trusted adults, they might give you a renewed perspective on your situation. Don’t be stressed out until you get your first prostate exam.
Human interaction gets better the more you interact, so don’t beat yourself up for lacking right now. You still have plenty of time to go out and flex your charisma. Making silly mistakes and flubbing a delivery or two is human and you can nail it next time.