I feel like I am losing my mind over this situation and it's really taking a toll on my mental health and physical health. I have never in my life experienced anything like this over someone.
So for the last 9 months I have been in contact with my interest(30F) we have a history but never got together for various reasons but kept coming in and out of each others lives. We reconnected over a happen chance event that caused her to message me about something and we met up and things have slowly been progressing from there.
I myself have come out of a 7 year relationship, she is further along her journey getting over her old relationship while I am still a bit raw in mine. Along the 9 months we have been in contact I feel like this dynamic we have is really strange and I have no idea what to do about it.
So we're now sleeping together and have been for the last 6 months, started very casually but has increased in frequency from once every 3-4 weeks to pretty much every week. She has expressed interest in me on a few occasions then will seemingly pull away or not express it again for some time, her behaviour also changes sometimes such as going from messaging regularly to not at all for a few days.
Since she expressed her interest I let my feelings develop for her and expressed my interest a few weeks back, she explained that "She is waiting for me to heal in my journey after my long term relationship so she isn't a rebound" which I totally get. But after I let my feelings develop I feel like something just isn't right, I have pretty much stopped sleeping, my anxiety is through the roof and feels like I am having worse heart break than when I left my LTR.
I asked the other day if she is seeing other people and where we stand, she said she isn't seeing other people and just me sexually, she said she hasn't slept with anyone other than me since she left her 4 year relationship but that doesn't add up for me mentally.
She has a lot of male friends, which is what ever. Her choice, I wouldn't normally let this bother me but she has told me that some of them are ex love interests of hers. She did openly admit that when we were getting closer that she reconnected with "the one who got away" and disappeared for a few weeks, I backed off as suspected this is what happened through various events that unfolded.
She also reconnected with a guy who she had history with after 8 years, she said that this guy is going through relationship problems and such but she hasn't seen him in so long so was overdue for a catch up. She cancelled plans on me to go have this catch up but saw me the next day and was quite open they just talked as a catch up over a few drinks.
Anyway, I met her on Wednesday evening and she suddenly seemed very uncomfortable and explained she double booked herself with me and the reconnected guy, she rearranged to meet him again today after work and will be meeting the "one who got away" on Sunday.
I feel so drained and lost where I stand with her, I asked her openly what's going on and she said that she is interested in me, I mean a lot to her and that she's waiting for me to be ready. I asked her does she think we can work together / compatible and she said yes.
Something in my head is screaming red flags, I feel anxiety and can't sleep. I feel like I am losing my mind over her and just so insecure / confused what's going on, I feel like I am a back up plan or something just isn't adding up in my head. I can't help but also wonder if it's just me being paranoid because she also wants to go away with me for a weekend next month and book some little mini weekend break / holiday. She also said next year she wants to live her dream of going to Japan with me.
I am also overly worried I am being too open? Maybe a little too transparent in terms of affection, it's making me critical of my behaviour which is also causing me to feel uncomfortable.
TL;DR Started letting my feelings develop for a friend after she expressed interest in me. Something doesn't add up in my head, she has behaved strangely, reconnected with male friends who she has some history with. She disappeared for a few weeks then came back like nothing happened. We're sleeping together and she insists I am the only person she is sleeping with since her break up and is waiting for me to heal. Her behaviour is very difficult to read and it's causing me massive anxiety and insecurity.