I’ve been with my partner for 8 years, got married 2 years ago. I’m a 36m and she is 35f. I love her so much, and we have a great relationship, but our sex life is pretty unfulfilling.
I’m the only one who initiates sex, and when we do have sex (about once a week or less), she seems to only be doing it for my sake.
In the past, I have tried talking about our likes, kinks, preferences, but she never opens up. At first her responses were “idk”, “I like what you’re doing”. Basically nothing for me to work with.
Then I tried suggesting new things to do, like different positions, role play, new places, and she would just shut them all down.
After a while I tried to double down on the conversation, and got the same answers. I then told her how I felt I was the only one interested in doing it and improving our sex life.
Her reaction is to cry and say she doesn’t know whats wrong with her, that she doesn’t feel any desire to have sex, even though she enjoys it when we so it.
She just doesn’t seem to be able to say what she likes, and the more I try, the worse I think I make things.
I don’t want to make her to feel something is wrong with her, but I also want to fight for our relationship.
Right now I can’t help but feel I’m the problem, that she doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me.
I’ve tried reading up on people with low libido, how to nurture and grow your sex life, sharing articles with her, but its just another way for me to make her feel like a failure.
I know she loves me, and that she wishes things were different, but this is very upsetting.
In our first 2 years our sex life was good enough, but never great. Then it gradually got worse and worse.
Before we got together, she had an active sex life, went out and had sex with just as many people as I did. Our shared friends tell me fun stories of them going out and hooking up at clubs and bars, which makes me feel both hopeful that she has it in her, and devastated that I might be the problem.
I’m not a bad looking guy, and had pretty successful sexual relationships before. I go down on her, try to prioritise her pleasure, but I have no idea what she likes, and neither does she, apparently.
I cant see this relationship surviving in the long run, unless I accept a sexless life, pity sex, or else living my sex life outside of marriage. I don’t like any of these option
What can I do?