Story time:
I met this girl playing a video game through a group we joined separately about a year ago. We ended up becoming very good friends, and started hanging out in the game a lot. I'm very introverted, very shy and I've been a loner for the majority of my adult life, and haven't had a whole lot of success in relationships in my life, but this girl was different. She was so easy to talk to and get along with and everything just aligned. I love her sense of humor and she's always been able to make me laugh with ease. I was very interested in her from the beginning, but didn't want to ruin our friendship with asking to be more, so I didn't do anything for a bit. Fast forward a few months and our group we played with was breaking up. She blamed herself partially for it even though it wasn't her fault, and I told her that whatever she decided she wanted to do, I wanted to go join her, and I did.
We decided to do our own thing, together, and invite some of our close friends to join us and we had a blast doing so for several months. We started playing a new version of our favorite game and even started a new group together. We'd ask each other about our days, how we're feeling, discuss stuff about the game we play and similar movies/shows/games and other interests. We eventually started talking about how much we liked each other, were shocked at how much we aligned and one thing led to another.
We eventually started being intimate through text chat one night when she was drinking a little and she initiated, but she was reluctant to share pictures, videos or her voice at this time. She was reluctant to give me her address when I wanted to send her a x-mas gift a few weeks later, so I sent her money instead to buy it herself. When I asked for her phone number, she told me she wasn't ready for that because of her past. She later told me that she had been through some terrible things (SA, harassment online), and I obviously respected her wishes of not being ready to do those things and told her I'd be patient for her. I was so happy just to have someone to call my girlfriend, even if our relationship was just online. I expressed wanting to eventually meet up with her and progress our relationship at her own pace and she agreed that was what was best and what we both wanted.
She eventually shared one picture of herself one day after we were intimate the night before, and I was so happy that things were going well and she was willing to share that part of herself with me. I still hadn't heard her voice, knew where she lived or even gotten her phone number, but we were making progress I felt like. We had never discussed being exclusive or anything and I didn't think it was necessary but I was wrong.
Shortly after, it turns out there was another guy(22M) that was interested in her, and she fell for both of us. We found out about each other because we were also friends, and casual conversation turned into red flag city one day when I was on vacation. She had sent him more pictures than she sent me(he showed me the pics), and talked to him once on voice chat as well(his words). We all three discussed what was happening, and we told her she needed to choose between the two of us. After a week of thinking she finally chose, and it wasn't me. I was heartbroken, and dejected. I didn't even want to play our favorite game anymore. Was starting to get depressed. I poorly chose to continue talking to both of them and helped them through their problems individually, even though their relationship was doomed from the start.
Another guy enters the picture… They've been more than friends the whole time I've known this girl, but she's only said bad things about him to me behind his back. Turns out she's also been saying untrue bad things about me behind my back to her then BF(2nd guy). She sent the same pictures to both of these other guys, including intimate pictures, but it turns out she wasn't sending pictures of herself at all. They were of another girl, and a 2nd different girl's private parts that she found on instagram and twitter/x. We found out via reverse google image search (3rd guy figured it out and shared it with 2nd , he shared it with me).
They broke up after this, and she was incredibly toxic towards him their whole time together, and I was there to see it all. I convinced myself that this wasn't the real her, she was really hurting and depressed and needed help. This whole time she's been jobless and feeling hopeless about that amongst other things. I offered to get her a job here where I live, and offered help trying to find something for her where she lived and online wfh but she declined. She was jobless until about 4 months ago when she finally found something. She turned down other job offers from other friends of ours as well, but was okay with accepting a little money for food and groceries from me a few times, and other friends as well. She got financial help from her dad as well during this time, keeping her afloat after she ran out of savings until she found her new job 4 months ago.
3rd guy has known about me and her, and her being shady but doesn't feel the need to tell me or 2nd guy, so we all go through this pain together. Eventually 2nd guy and her break up, and he made jokes about her catfishing him and she blocked him. She's still friends with the 3rd guy online but according to both of them, they rarely talk.
Since their relationship ended, I told her that if she needed to talk to someone I'd be there for her, and she was distraught and looked for help from me and also attention. I let her fully back in my life, provided emotional support(she was extremely depressed to the point of suicidal ideation) to her and tried to be the best friend that I could be to her. At first I convinced myself that I just wanted her friendship back more than anything but I think I was lying to myself. I wanted her more than that even knowing everything.
I tried to offer her advice as she was struggling with so many aspects of her life. She was suicidal due to the breakup and feeling worthless due to other factors in her life and I helped talk her through those negative thoughts. She went to a therapist once during this time because she was able to get a free visit, but she insists it wasn't helpful(she says talking about her problems doesn't help – but is still depressed and isn't interested in psychiatry either). We started hanging out more, playing games again, watching movies and tv together again and things were going well with our friendship at least, even if she wasn't doing well mentally. Things were going better, and I asked if she thought about us being more serious potentially and she expressed interest but wasn't sure if she was ready for a relationship. She eventually came around to the idea and we have been together in an exclusive relationship since then. Now 5 months.
Throughout this time we've had struggles but we hang out every day and enjoy each other's company thoroughly. We play our games, watch movies and tv, chat and hang out frequently, but it's all through text. (I chat on voice but she doesn't) I want her to share more of herself with me, share more intimacy with me, be more open with me in general. I ask her to give me her phone number, but she's "not comfortable" doing that yet. I ask her to send me a picture, even if just of her arm or something to show me she is serious about us, but she can't do that because she's "not ready". She used to send me pictures of her little dog, but she doesn't even do that anymore despite me specifically asking her to. She refuses to give me her address(I get not wanting to give to strangers online, but we're not that at this point) still so I can send her flowers, food or gifts and she refuses to even give me her phone number, which I 100% don't understand. I don't even want to call/text her on it if she doesn't want that. I just want some form of her showing that she is serious about our relationship. I'm overall very happy in our relationship despite her unwillingness to be more open with me. She makes me happy every day, and I tell her that. I've told her that I'm going to be patient for her, but I have this sinking feeling that that day is never going to arrive at this point. It's been so long to not have gotten any of these things I'm asking her for. I've expressed these feelings to her but she repeats that she's not ready, isn't comfortable doing so etc.
It confused me greatly because I feel like she's saying one thing and then saying/doing the opposite at times.
We're not really on the same intimacy page either. She states she doesn't enjoy it as much as I do, and I get that due to her past and depression, but I feel like it helps strengthen the bond of our relationship. Without it, I feel like we're just good friends that enjoy each other's company care about each other I guess?
She tells me I've saved her life, that I'm her everything. Her reason. She loves me and she cares about me more than anything (except her little doggo, I get it lol) She says she wouldn't be here without me in her life. It just feels incredibly manipulative to say these things while also not being ready to progress our relationship. She will say things like "I wish you could come cuddle with me right now" etc but refuses to engage in this topic of progressing us to that point. She gets upset with me when I try to start these conversations, but states she doesn't get mad but then will tell for me to "drop it" or "this conversation is finished"
I've mentioned that we could take a trip together or something and she's said she's not ready.. but recently she states she's going on a trip for almost a week for a convention with her girlfriends that I don't know anything about (she complains that she doesn't have any friends often). I told her that makes me upset, since we haven't been able to do any of the things I've wanted to progress "us" but she's willing to go to this convention with "friends" she barely likes, goes to fairs, movies, shows with her other "friends" and family, etc. Me telling her this caused her to get upset with me, basically accusing me of being controlling… I don't even know how she can afford to go with her financial issues. She's barely able to eat and afford her rent and just quit her job.
So I asked her again if she'd send me any of these things I've asked for but nope, same answer, and I'm the bad guy for "asking all the time" about getting any of these things from her, and asking to be intimate more often etc.
Please reddit. I need your help. I don't have any friends I can talk to about this because it's embarrassing. I love this woman but I'm lost on what to do. I want to be patient for her and be the best person I can for her but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I enjoy spending my time every day with her, but she seemingly doesn't want the same things I do, isn't ready for them still, or something isn't quite right.
tldr: We met online playing video games around a year ago, became very good friends, wanted more than that and have been in an exclusive relationship for 5 months. We've had struggles, there have been red flags, but I still love and want her. I'm just left wanting more and confused by her words and actions and need advice. She's not able to do the normal things that people do to progress our relationship yet. Should I give her as much time as she needs or give her a goal deadline ultimatum? Should I just roll with it and continue with how things are and suck it up?