I am an early 30s female. I have been married for 12 years. My DH is only a year younger than me. We have both put each other through complete and utter chaos. Lately though, I’m so tired of the constant fight (the attacking, belittling, blame game). I want to be my DH’s best friend and vice versa. I want us to grow up- and truly, truly learn to be each other’s person! Each others, other half! One, together!
In my heart, I feel there are some things that need to be addressed before we can truly be this. For instance, I am starting to wonder am I the problem or is he? Anyone I have asked says that they don’t understand why he’s like this, but I need unbiased opinions. So, I’m going to ask you guys. This will be in multiple post due to the fact that I cannot fit it all in one, and due to it being multiple scenarios.
Situation: My DH works off, he has our entire marriage. Due to this we talk through cellular devices often. Over the years he has made it very clear that he does not like me putting him on hold to answer the phone for anybody else. He has also informed me that he doesn’t like if I’m on the phone with somebody else, and I don’t put them on hold to answer when he calls.
The other night after leaving my daughter‘s house (which was such a much needed time for us), me and him were talking on the phone. While talking I got a call from my daughter‘s grandmother (whom my daughter lives with, her grandmother is 80% wheelchair bound with crippling diabetes). I asked him to hold on for a moment, just to make sure they were okay (they live alone). When I answered the phone the call instantly dropped. When I switched back over I told him who it was and how it concerned me that the call instantly dropped. Then she calls me right back and again I asked him to give me a moment and I switched over, yet again the call instantly dropped. During these few seconds my DH had hung up on me in frustration, and as any mother would I used that time to contact them to make sure they were okay. Which they were, praise GOD! I explained I was on the phone with DH and I’d call back later. As soon as I ended the call I called him back. I explained the situation, but it didn’t matter DH was furious. He thinks I do this intentionally. As if the knowing he has a problem with it entices me to blatantly do the opposite. We were both heated and I just flat out told him, “You are the only one with the problem, you are the only one who is bothered by this. I could give two craps if he is bothered by me asking me to hold, for a moment, I will always make sure they are okay. Due to this fact, the last thing I think about is hey let me go out of my way to upset him”! so he can’t bank on the fact that That I will not get off the phone with him over anybody. I explained to him if my daughter/her grandmother, his cousin (my bf-single mom of 2), his sister (mom of 3-husband works off-only while husband is off), or his mom tries contacting me I will ask anyone to hold to make sure they are okay. I talk to these women regularly, you never know if they are in a position where hitting redial is quicker than 911. He is still under the impression that I do this intentionally to upset him. Did I know that this bothers him, yes. When he revealed this to me, I stopped putting him on hold for just anybody. Like I said it is only certain people, at certain times. The other problem he has, is how I put him on hold to make sure they’re okay (or whatever), but yet when I’m on the phone with somebody and he tries calling I don’t put them on hold to answer his call. Whoa whoa whoa! Before you come for me. I know that this seems disrespectful, uncaring and completely hypocritical, but like I explained (or tried) to my DH: my DH and I talk often. Constantly. Whether on a call or through messaging. My point is this if I’m just getting on the call with someone and he calls, I’ll send him a message letting him know I’ll call him back in a few. I know he’s okay. I know he’s generally just wanting to talk. Now if it’s something that can’t wait he’ll reply its important, to call back asap or something to that effect. There are definite times were I’ll take his call regardless, first thing in the morning, when he gets off watch (he’s fixing to go to bed for 5-6hrs), when he gets up from said bed.
So, guys my thoughts.. I think it doesn’t matter- if I completely stop all of the above he’ll still find something else I do that bothers him. I love my DH so very much and I’m naive to think I can’t have selfish blinders on. Which of course, if that’s the case I do everything I can to fix this. If there is a way to meet him in the middle and still verify they are okay- I’ll do whatever. So…. Am I the problem?
I know this may not seem like a big ordeal. I promise there is so much more. I’m not looking for divorce him or him divorce me. I just need unbiased opinions before I drive myself crazy 1 and 2 because I really want to fix us! Much love!