Look on the surface that seems totally fair and it is…but there is more to the story and reason to believe this won't change anything. We have been married over 10 years and our sex life crashed and burned basically day 1. There is always something that is a barrier to sex and it's always seems to be my fault. Didn't clean the dishes, didn't properly pursue her, didn't initiate at the right time etc. all the feedback is fair, but if there is always an objection and never any action from her to make an improvement that doesn't feel fair either.
I recently brought up to her that I need to see her make more of an effort in our marriage (overall, not just sex). While she understood my feedback she told me she doesn't want to have sex because I haven't had a vasectomy and she doesn't want another kid. We've probably discussed it less than 5 times in the last 8 years since our youngest was born and while I've said I'm open to it in the past I've been hesitant to do it for a number of reasons, but at the same time I didn't really think it was that big of a deal.
I do not take issue with her wanting me to get a vasectomy and I'm at the point where I'm fine doing it. My biggest issue is this is the first time she has ever said that's why she won't have sex with me and the only reason it came up was because I initiated the conversation.
Question:
How can I address this with her differently get her to understand she also has to take a proactive role in our relationship and our failing sex life?
It can't just be me that brings it up in conversation or attempts to initiate sex.
PS it's honestly such a huge bummer. My wife has never been hotter and I feel like we're not getting the most out of our marriage or these years of our marriage .
Edit: crashed and burned day 1 is probably a bit superlative. When we have sex we have had great sex and there have been short seasons in the marriage when she was really into it. And when we dated she was way into it.