Basically, COVID fucked us both up. We got married in 2020, I think we started dating in 2014? For the last few years I have been talking to him about how I feel like he doesn't even like me, and he talks to me the way you talk to a coworker you don't like that you are actively trying to disengage from. I have chased down every single thing to try to help him, from vitamin d levels, exercise, to therapy and reached out to his friends. And I'm not claiming I'm great, I also got fucked up, I have my own therapist and my own cocktail of medication, but I'm fighting tooth and nail.
This week, he's been giving me mhms and pretending to interact with me but not retaining any information whatsoever. He's a cliche of a sitcom guy where you say "hey Katie from work finally found her lost dog!" And he has no idea who Katie is and what dog and is completely lost. I got excited about a TV show and stopped watching so I can tell him about it and ask if he wants to rewatch episode one with me(kaos on Netflix), he later asked me if I wanted to watch something and I asked if he wanted to try the show. He said yes, but then 10 min in he's zoned out on his phone and I have to call him on that. When the show ends I try to probe talking points and the single only thing he can say is "it was interesting. I would watch more" I try subjects, music, casting, mythology, Jeff goldbloom. Nothing, not a single extra word. He did this repeatedly until I broke down and sobbed for a solid day, and he's once again giving me the promises, acting engaged, telling me he's gonna turn it around and that he's so embarrassed of himself and it's not who he wants to be.
But then, he is trying to read a gottman marriage counseling book to prove he is trying and he got to like the second chapter where they talk about love maps and knowing your partner deeply, and he's telling me about it and kinda bragging that the self assessment quiz(you can find them on Google) at the start of the chapter he thinks he knows everything. But my whole point is that he's assuming but I keep telling him he doesn't and he just doesn't believe me, so I tell him I want him to write down his answers so we can factually see. The thing is he presents his answers to me and some of the questions are just not applicable to us so his answers don't really matter, other questions are like what kind of music do they like which is just kind surface level low hanging fruit….. But some of the questions are really deep diving about if you know a person, really know them, and those questions I feel like he phoned it in with generic nothing answers. I did not feel seen, it made me feel bad. So I tried to stress that this is what I expected to happen, but he is like oh I'm glad we did this I want to do this more blah blah blah and I press on ok but how did he think it went and he thinks it went good overall and he did pretty good. I don't, but he doesn't agree. And I'm realizing that he…. Doesn't see a problem. And nothing will ever change if there isn't admitting the problem. I'm going to go spend time alone and he's raising his voice at me that "you DO realize this is an intake self assessment right?" Like I'm out of line for feeling hurt that my husband can't answer questions about my hopes and dreams.
It gets bad, I try to go stay with my mom for a few days but it's terrible so I end up coming home in the early hours and curling up on the couch. When he eventually interacts with me he tells me he's not in the right headspace to talk to me, he needs space, we both need space, he's going to sleep in the spare room and hang out at coffee shops to get space. But he did write down 10 questions for me that he would like me to answer….. And he goes to print them and hands it to me with a pen to answer….
Guys I was flabbergasted when I looked. First of all, he didn't write anything these are basic level Google search results, and they aren't specific to us at all, and he didn't put any attempt into answering the questions and having me check his work, he just wants me to completely articulate every single thing wrong and also give him a play map of exactly what to do as if they are "my" expectations. And he gave me questions with thesis level responses on a single page with a pen to fill out…. Does he even think this is possible? Did he just not even consider the questions and what an answer would look like?
I can't post a photo of the questions but the first of ten is:
What specific issues are causing concern in our marriage? Detail the problems you're experiencing and provide context for each issue.
There is one single line break space to fill in my answer with a pen.
I'm stunned, sequestered away, I literally don't know what to do, if I should attempt to answer these, or refuse to answer on the principal of this being an unreasonable request. I checked in with my therapist and my best friend. My best friend said he's throwing the work back on me and also turning this into a collaboration on what ~we~ are going to do to solve the issue that is solely a him issue. My therapist said he didn't realize my husband's not being in tune with reality was this extreme and he is trying to brainstorm some kind of plan.
And I genuinely think he is mad at me right now, probably stewing about how he is the victim because I don't appreciate his effort enough.
Question: Is there any way to respond to this without just saying you even giving this to me seems to show extreme judgement issues. How can I express to him that the questions themselves are the issue?
Tldr: husband seems so asleep at the wheel that he's no longer retaining information or aware of what's going on and after a year of working on our bad relationship told me he wrote 10 questions, they are obviously googled and are basically "can you describe in detail all issues in our marriage and how they can be resolved"