TDLR: We have a different view about sex, she is 100% inexperienced, I am not.
She thinks giving and receiving head is disrespectful, I clearly disagree.
She doesn't initiate any sexual thing which honestly makes the relationship very boring for me.
She hit me with the "I need to try new stuff to know what I like" which absolutely scares me to death.
Also very indecisive and insecure.
I have been on a relationship with my gf for around 8 months now. We are long distance, but I have recently been in her country for around 35 days and I was planning on going again in the following months. I am taking the relationship very seriously and as far as I know she is too.
Everything is great except when it comes to sex. She had no previous experience at all and she is from a country where sex is kinda taboo and not that socially accepted. At first she told me she thought she was asexual and I was about to get out of the relationship as it would have been completely incompatible with me, but later on she said it wasn't the case and we continued.
When I was visiting her, we had sex twice when I was about to leave, but very vanilla stuff, she barely wanted to touch it with her hands, and she was very insecure (as expected).
I didn't have a problem with that at all as I understood that it was her first sexual experience and I gave her all the time she needed to get to that point, even though I have to admit that I got upset a few times when I saw that for me it was a problem and for her it wasn't.
Its been a month since I came back, and ngl I am a bit bored in that sense. She doesn't initiate anything sexual, she doesn't mention, its like it doesn't exist for her. Whenever I see an opening, I send her very subtle texts and responses that hint that I want her to either show something or talk about it, but she only once in a while tells me that she wants to repeat what we did when I was there.
The big problem comes when I made a comment about oral sex. She immediately said that she would never ever do that and would not allow anyone to do it to her because it was whorish and disrespectful. And I took it the wrong way. I said it was a big deal for me, as I was not sure I would be happy living the rest of my life with no head. She kinda got upset but said she was going to think about it. We then discuss it a bit more, trying to understand why she thought it was whorish to do something like that to your serious partner, and she started saying things like that she needed to try stuff because she has no experience, and that she doesnt know what she likes or doesnt like until she tries it. And again, I took this very badly as I immediately thought that down the road, this girl will start to come up with weird ideas in the name of experimenting (like opening the relationship) which I know will kill me in the future. I also got upset because I love receiving and giving head, and she will probably never enjoy it the same way even she does it.
I am very clear and transparent on what I like and what I dont like, not because I have experienced it, but because you kinda know. I dont have to explore x fetish to know that I dont like it. I dont have surprises and I think she does, which to be honest makes my life worse.
I dont know what to think, because she changes opinions every 5 minutes. She says she doesn't know what she likes and has to try new things, then she says that she knows what she wants, she first says that she would never ever give head, then she says she will think about it, and so on.
How to proceed in this situation? Am I not being understanding enough?
13 comments
Getting upset won’t help her figure that out and honestly it’s probably not gonna get better. Speaking from someone who’s been in her position with less experience- the drastic difference in sex drive and desire to have sex killed the relationship and we never found common ground. If you’re not Happy move on pretty simple.
You are sexually incompatible
Dump her
You seem like a dick. You state you didn’t get upset with her —except a few times when you did get upset with her— *the very first time she ever had sex.*
You’re an asshole. Let her find a better boyfriend please.
Yeah…I’m gonna be honest, I feel like this relationship isn’t working out. You’ve been understanding enough, but I don’t think she’s enjoying having sex with you at all, for whatever reason. If she was just feeling shy and awkward because of inexperience, she would still be more willing to have sex with you and would bring it up. Based on what you wrote here, seems like she’d be happier if she didn’t have to have sex.
This is something that, if she wishes, she can explore and try to work out, ideally with a therapist. But I’m worried that at this point she’s just forcing herself to have sex with you because she feels she has to “put out” to keep the relationship and that’s a very damaging mindset that will only make sex harder for her.
If you don’t mind taking sex off the table until she feels more comfortable and actually initiates and engages with you (no guarantee this will ever happen btw) then you should do that, but sex is important to you and it’s ok for you to look for a partner that can fulfill your needs. Good luck.
[deleted]
Your on different wavelengths in regards to sex. Perfectly good reason to end the relationship. Next time don’t get this far without at least finding this out before things get serious
It’s not an instantaneous thing for ppl to decide what they like or not. Obv its her first so she is confused. You getting frustrated over the idea of not even getting a good head when she clearly does not like it. You aren’t even open to try things with her to make her know what she likes or she is comfy with. Ur kind of an ass ngl, its her first time and u don’t exactly have the patience for her, or first timers, since u know/want what u want and jump on ur weird thoughts about her being experimental when she clearly was just trying out things for u too lol ( yeah that’s right ur the weird one here buddy not her ) and ironically u don’t like experimenting with her because it will lead to an open marriage(? Wtf bro chill out u jumping hoops when we r taking steps. With that mindset no wonder u r “scared to death” 💀). Her intention to experimenting is that she wants to try things with you so that maybe she will see what u want her to see, its how u gain experience too no? She was at least open to try understanding you when she has negative beliefs about it but again u just don’t seem to have the patience to teach her or let her learn.
Break up with her. She deserves to explore without any pressure of someone else’s expectations and with outmost patience from her partner. And you can go move on and get the head that you want y’know.
I 32F have had sex with 51 men. My current bf 34M of the last 7+ years was with hundreds of women before me. Safe sec between consenting adults is normal & natural especially in a loving relationship.
I think it’s super important for couples to have similar libidos/sex drive. Even if they’re going to wait (for marriage/whatever) an honest conversation about libido & sexual expectations. If one person has a high libido & the other has a low libido you’re in for a lifetime of hurt the both of you. The high libido person feels like they’re too much & that they aren’t fully satisfied with their sex life. The low level libido person feels like they’re not enough & they’re constantly being pestered for sex.
Most people don’t find their person in the first few go rounds. You’re both so young. Don’t settle for someone you know isn’t right for you.
You seem like an absolute dick and you have zero patience. Go find someone who’s sexually compatible with you and leave this girl the fuck alone.
you’re obviously trying to understand and it’s hard when you have an ongoing conflict with a loved one, especially a partner. someone said you’re an asshole and i disagree, i think your feelings are valid. however, i do think it’s important that you don’t get upset with her about it, instead work through your feelings and openly communicate with her about your feelings and what you want and ask her to tell you the same thing.
it may boil down to the fact that you two aren’t very sexually compatible and you will have to decide how important your sex life is in a relationship.
my main advice is to process how you’re feeling and figure out how you’d like this situation to turn out and what a relationship where you feel happy and loved looks like.
it feels like there may have to be a compromise here but give it time, communicate coming from a place of love, trying to understand her without judgement. and if things don’t work out, they don’t work out.
I don’t see what the big deal is. You’re to immature to teach her that sex can be fun, exciting and beautiful. She has negative beliefs about sex. You two are not compatible. Move on, so simple.
You’re not being understanding at all lmao
Of course she needs to try things to know what she likes, to make the jump to her wanting an open relationship is a bit extreme.
It doesn’t sound like you’re being very understanding at all. She’s probably feeling pressured and comparing herself to your previous experiences. Stress is not the aphrodisiac you might think it is.