Hi men, this is all pretty raw and new but I needed somewhere to vent and it's late where I am. As the title describes, my wife and I have decided to split up. No acrimony or bad feeling between us, we just both stopped loving each other weren't happy. It would almost be easier if we had a big slanging match. We've got 2 girls together, mortgage, cars, credit cards, the whole deal.
Just looking for advice on next steps really. We'll try and keep things as normal as possible for the girls but it's likely that I'll move in with my parents for a while.
39 comments
Immediate future I’d probably drink and jerk off
I would see it as a difficult phase. You both are drifting apart. I’m a big believer in marriage and relationships that last.
Ask any couple that has been together for a long time, it requires effort.
Don’t let you family fall apart, OP. You can do something about it.
I’m a big believer in marriage and relationships that last (*important information, thus the repetition)*
I think that your next few months will be what I call “in process”. So all the financial matters will need to be sorted one way and of course the settling of who has what and when. I’d say that amicable splits often start that way and I hope it remains so for you, but experience says it will inevitably change at some point. That said, you are young enough to get over it despite how it might feel today. I’d take some time, chill out and just get used to how your new life will be like. Maybe some reflection on what could have been different and you will be good to go in no time. Best of luck with it and for the future
Go to therapy. Divorce is the death of a marriage and you will go through the stages of grief. Finding a good therapist to work through it all will help you heal faster and keep you from bringing emotional baggage to future relationships.
Well apart from u/moneyshot1123 accurately calling out what I would do…
Don’t move out. That could be construed as abandonment
Take a breath. This is a big deal. Breathe it out a bit.
Get a handle on the finances. You need to understand everything
If you think this will be an amicable split then great. But this is a time of splitting possessions for financial gain and custody of children. People may not be who we think they are. Keep your eyes open and remember “me and the kids first” – don’t settle for less than 50% on anything
My wife and I reconciled. So didn’t go down the divorce path. But I guarantee you she would be vindictive and try to take as much as she could. So keep that in mind.
Everything is about your kids. That’s your entire life. Do everything you can to be as involved as possible
Edit:
u/black_orchid83 decided that she was a giant coward. And responded to me then blocked me. Shows you exactly what kind of psychopath she is
If you’d been with her for 50 years, allow 5 years before dating so that you can recover your emotional equilibrium.
I would run the ho train personally but that might not be the healthiest choice.
Whatever you want
Steroids
Went through similar situation. Drinking and jerking off is great but have you tried reaching out to your friends?
Family is key but I found confiding in a few close friends made all the difference.
Blow, hookers, crying.
Bad economy, bad time to even find place to rent unless you have lots cash on hand.. but work on finances and since you have time now, maybe get fit
Sorry to hear that you guys couldn’t stomach each other long enough for the girls to grow.
What now? Just 100% be there as a parent. That’s at least 90 minutes of conversation per week with your ex to stay updated on health, education, clothing, eating, sports/hobbies, social life, &c.
A lot of stupid answers in this thread. Never been in your position OP, but I would suggest:
Take care of your mental health – therapy, friends, mindfulness, hobbies, take time for yourself
Take care of your physical health – eat well, exercise
Stay in touch with the family, especially the kids. Try and stay physically under the same roof if you can bear it
These things shall pass. Good luck.
I second therapy, but also – take time to be alone when your kids aren’t around. When I was in my early 40s, I found myself single for the first time since I was a teenager. Kids were basically grown up and I had no idea how to be alone.
I dated some and went back into the same bad habits that helped end my last relationship (not saying it was all my fault but there’s usually shared responsibility).
I decided to spend 8 months single and learning to be ok with being alone. I learned a lot about myself – how I spent my time when I got to choose how to spend it. Then figuring out how someone else might fit into that.
Then I started dating someone I had gotten to be friends with first instead of jumping right into a relationship. It was harder in some respects at first, but ultimately I’ve now married the best friend I’ve ever had.
Just got divorced last year under what sounds like similar circumstances. As far as the process goes – since you mentioned it being amicable, look into going through the mediation route vs hiring lawyers.
Mediation is basically someone who can help you with the paperwork, and also help in determining what is a fair split and also importantly- what the state you live in considers a fair split( assuming you are in the US), in regards to things like child/spousal support and such.
It was crazy how relatively “easy”, or at least non-contentious our divorce was, because we were able to go through the process without someone in our ear that had a financial incentive to make sure their client got as much as possible, at what would likely have been the detriment of all of us but especially our child.
Don’t waste time trying more than once to get back together. This was my big error and set me back about a year in the grieving process.
Gym
Even though it wasn’t a volatile split, I could see where it would be easy to minimize the damage a relationship ending could happen.
One of the things I always do after a relationship is do some talk therapy, keeps me from sharing my baggage to bros every time we hang out after a breakup and allows me to be vulnerable to process things.
But even a journal helps, just writing all the bullshit out.
Sounds like y’all made a decision that will suck short term but help long term, especially for those girls.
Helping them transition through this will help a lot as well and help you interim.
Don’t talk shit about their mother in front of your girls.
As someone who grew up with divorced parents, one talked shit, the other didn’t. Guess which I’m closer to as an adult…?
Enjoy your life bro.
I’ve been through it. AND THEN SOME.
Moving out and the whole abandonment BS is state by state in the US so look into that. It was not a thing for me.
Here’s what I did. I separated finances fast. Change passwords, move addresses to next of kin, etc. I moved to a friends house. Sold my house. Split our finances evenly. And cut all ties. Except we had no children so you’ll have to keep in contact. You owe her whatever your state deems. But emotionally, go and live your life. Have fun. Date if you want to. But all in all, I’d recommend to stay single as long as possible. Find yourself for who you are now. Because once you do, you’ll find the woman of your dreams should you even want to go that route. 😀
You’ve been living for years as one half of a partnership, and now that’s gone. Your identity is all tied up in your marriage, which has died. You’re going to need time to mourn the loss of that old life. Things are going to be a lot different now. Hopefully, they’ll be better – especially once you find a partner who you love truly and deeply.
So, start thinking about it. The old life you built is over. The version of you that’s married and committed to one person is toast. Who do you want to be? What parts of your life before you got together with your wife do you want to reincorporate? How do you want to fill that spouse-shaped hole in your life? Think about how you want to fill the hours in your day, and prioritize those things. Make sure you’re talking to friends, family and/or a profession about the feelings you’re going through. Make sure you’re getting out of the house and taking care of your body. Definitely make sure you’re not neglecting your girls. It’s going to take more effort now, so make sure you’re ready to step up as a father so they look back at this time and appreciate you for being loving, kind, and strong.
This is your chance to forge a new identity that will let you get a little closer to the person you really want to be. Let yourself mourn, but in the moments when the sadness has passed; appreciate this opportunity. You get a second chance to build your life. Relish in that, because those moments are rare.
Stay busy and set goals for yourself. Try to avoid alcohol as much as possible
F.B.G.M.
Stuff I’ve seen others do:
The Great Slutting Will Now Commence!
Build another structure on the property so you can be close to your kids and also have your own space.
Ignore all legal advice you read here. Law varies state to state. Application of the law varies courtroom to courtroom.
Speak to a family law attorney. Find out what they think will happen if your car goes to trial. The settle. It’s rarely worth the year of stress and fighting.
Remember: she is no longer your wife. You are no longer her husband. You are now co-parents. Your job is to work together to provide your children with the best possible life.
>it’s likely that I’ll move in with my parents for a while.
Is this what your lawyer advised you to do?
Other than talking to a lawyer, your next priority is figuring out where you want your life to be headed and start working towards that. When you enter your next relationship don’t stop working towards those goals
First thing is to take some time to mourn. Second is to add in some new habits to fill the void.
I haven’t been through the same, but when I ended a long relationship (~6 years), I started hitting the gym much more consistently. Also I had a routine of going to do yoga Saturday mornings. This forced me to go to bed on Friday nights, which would otherwise end with me being up super late with nothing to do.
As someone that has gone through a divorce, see a lawyer immediately. Just for a consultation on your rights and maybe a roadpath on settlement. Things might be amicable now but that might change once finances are involved. Do everything you can to stay amicable for the kids but know where you stand financially if it doesn’t. You don’t need to tell anyone you’ve spoken with a lawyer.
Hookers and blow! (Futurama reference)
It’s a tough situation to be in, try to keep yourself occupied. Don’t dwell on the what ifs. Lean on your support system if you got any. Know that it gets easier with time. Also, don’t jump into dating right away, maybe casual flings if you’re so inclined, but nothing serious.
Just focus on your girls. Things can be really hard for kids during a divorce. Show them with your actions that you’re committed to being involved in their lives still.
What ever you do
Don’t talk shit about your ex.
in front of the girls
I’ve been where you are. I’m now a 73M living an enormously happy life with a fantastic life partner/wife. My first divorce happened about your age but for a different reason: my wife of 10 years came out. That was difficult to deal with so I went to therapy. It took about 10 minutes before the therapist said: “This isn’t about you. She’s been gay her whole Life. Let’s talk about your daughter.” That was key to me. Fast forward to me having joint custody of my daughter and meeting another soulmate. She had a daughter, we married and had another daughter. But the marriage soured. We were not compatible. It was that simple and, yet, I stayed in that Dead Bedroom relationship for another ten years. Finally, I’m single again for the second time. I gave myself time to be single (healthy!), but began to want Intimacy- not just physical but emotional as well. I was 54 now. I still had a 14 year old at home. I met a woman. We gingerly dated and fell in love. We married 5 years later and today is our 16th wedding anniversary. So. Yes, you are reeling now. Of course you are. But Time will allow you to process this. Your children are paramount. They are the focus. You will never speak Ill of their mother. It just didn’t work out. You will find your partner, but you will have to be transparent, honest about money, and Sex, and then if she/he still accepts you – you’ll probably have a chance at that thing we all desire: Happiness. I was 54 before I found it. But, damn, I found it.
Wow. You’ve gotten some smart, compassionate advice here. This almost never happens on Reddit. Well done, gents.
Get a lawyer……
Attorney tomorrow morning first thing. Get the best one you can afford. Don’t do anything vindictive or cruel, because it will bite you in the ass. Like you said, no animosity, just wasn’t working, so hold up your end of what you said even if she doesn’t. She may secure an attorney as well. This is preferable.
Attorneys are not attacks, they are advocates and mediators. You have a marriage and all the assets that come with one, and this will need to be handled as cleanly as possible.
Someone else said “never settle for less than 50%”. I disagree. Settle for less than 50 if you truly don’t give a fuck. If she wants the house and you really truly don’t give a shit, let her have it. Or negotiate for moving costs. Use that capital to fight for what you do care about: if you think you’re getting primary or sole custody of the kids and I don’t want that, you don’t get the house, at all. Make your choice.
Tonight while you can’t sleep, write down what you truly don’t give a fuck about, what you absolutely won’t budge on, and then think about you saying “you know what, it sucked but it was the perfect divorce” – what does that look like? Does it look like you working out a co-parenting agreement, does it look like you moving across town, sketch your life out on a patio with a glass of scotch and saying “it could have been worse”.
Then go get it.
Edit: oh yeah if your attorney suggests being petty or hard nosed instead of matching your tone, fire them. Attorneys can’t tell you what to do. They advise you based on experience. You can tell them to do any legal thing you want and they legally have to do it, so if your attorney says “take all you can get even at her expense” but you don’t want to, refuse. If they fight you on it, fire them.
Keep your kids away from any acrimony that may develop! Get a lawyer, understand your position, don’t let the whole thing stage out for years.
Therapy, hit the gym, if it’s amicable split everything as evenly as possible – don’t give leeway with assets – a fair split only.
Kids are resilient, be age appropriately honest with them.
Why are you moving home? Is your housing market bad? If not you both should be looking for other places and sell the house so you both get a solid footing and a fresh start.