I don’t have many friends but the friends I do have I never seem to fully be myself around.
I have some other friends I’d consider to be v close to yet as I’ve grown older I’ve started to realise this is only out of their convenience. I’m somehow always the butts of jokes wherever I go and yes ok maybe I don’t stand up or defend myself enough but how can you when the same thing happens with every. single. friend. Even though it’s funny most of the time I end up thinking why does it always have to be me to put up with it- it’s like I’m subject to some weird power hierarchy whenever I go
It’s exhausting also bc I don’t really have friends of my same culture (I’m East Asian and the few friends I have are white)
Been trying to change it for a while but I seem to be too white for East Asians and vice versa. Alongside the fact I’m rlly just quite a miserable and emotional person sometimes I can understand why in general it might be hard for ppl to maintain a relationship w me, yet still, it’s a cycle.
I get miserable bc I haven’t been fully comfortable or ‘myself’ (whatever that is) with anyone. ever.
I feel like I will always only be loved for the personalities and personas I have put on for the comfort and convenience of others. In fact, idek who the real me is and I’m scared.
How do I break out of this bc I can’t continue living for others yet im also terrified of just being alone.its also I guess caused some weird existential thoughts for me, idk how to express myself, idk who the real me is rlly and whether that is smth ppl would like.
Sorry for the rant I’m just desperate to see if I’m the only one who has this issue