So… we had a rocky 3 year relashionship. I loved her. And would sacrifice every bone in my body for her. But I felt like she wouldn't, she would belittle me. And just was very manipulative.
Anyways, it's 3 years. So after a lot of arguments. She stopped being THAT toxic. But we recently broke up. She was the one that said it, but then when I agreed it was for the best, she said "wait, so did we actually broke up?" She couldn't understand why I wasn't begging for her to come back. I was over it.
She started to beg, and beg, and beg, she admited all her mistakes, she said I was the best guy she ever knew. And that she doesn't know what she was doing. I said, okey, I'll take you back on one condition, we go to couples therapy and she goes to therapy separately. She needs to sort her toxic shit… She agreed.
She changed a lot… But so did I. It's been 3 months now. And for some reason… Even though she stopped being so toxic, she is trying very hard to be self-aware of her behavior, she started doing more gestures to show her love… For some reason I always wish that the relationship would have ended there. and it's like I'm subconsciously trying to end the relationship. And the worst thing is… I feel like, if I would get the chance, I would cheat on her.
It's like my mind is trying everything it can to escape. But I don't understand why, I did always love her, I cried when we broke up. And she changed so much for the better. I would feel horrible if I would leave her now, when she's had so much progress. But I also feel like a horrible person, for not being honest.
TL;DR: my gf was toxic. After we broke up, she begged for me to come back. And started to change a lot for the better, but for some reason I still want to escape.