Hi, I’m not really sure how to handle this situation and would appreciate some advice.
I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for almost three years, and we live together. Recently, his parents were arrested (I’d rather not go into the details), and as a result, his little brother (11M) has had to move in with us. I understand the situation is complicated, and my boyfriend didn’t really have a choice – obviously, he couldn’t just leave his brother with nowhere to go.
The thing is, I find his little brother creepy, and I feel horrible even saying that. I know he's a kid and he’s gone through a traumatic experience, but some of the things he does make me really uncomfortable. For instance, he stares at me a lot, like almost all the time when we’re in the same room. I’ll catch him just watching me, and it’s unsettling. He also has this habit of walking into our bedroom without knocking, especially when my boyfriend is out. I’ve told him multiple times that he needs to knock, but he either ignores it or just doesn't care.
He will shower and use the bathroom with the door wide open, clearly so everyone can see him when walking past. Even though I have told him he needs to keep the door closed when he's in there. One time, I had just gotten out of the shower and was in my towel when I walked into the bedroom, and he was just standing there, staring at me. I asked him what he was doing, and he didn’t even answer, just kept staring before finally walking away. I brought this up to my boyfriend, but he brushed it off, saying his brother is probably just adjusting to everything and doesn’t mean any harm. I lent him my laptop because he said he needed it for homework and when I got it back it was completely filled with porn, like he had downloaded porn, it was in the search history. I told my boyfriend he needed to speak with him but my boyfriend says it's normal for a boy his age. He just told me to clear the search history and delete what he downloaded. But he is not being normal, he is weirding me out and I feel bad even saying it.
I get that this kid is dealing with a lot – losing his parents like that is traumatic – but at the same time, I feel like my feelings are being dismissed. My boyfriend says I’m overreacting, but I honestly feel really uncomfortable in my own home now. I even find myself avoiding being alone with his brother because it just feels weird.
I don't know if I am overreacting, like I understand giving some leeway because of everything that's happened in his life, but he is really weirding me out.
Any advice on how to handle this would be really appreciated.
35 comments
get a lock for the door, get that kid in therapy, and start discussing things like boundaries and healthy relationships, what they are, what they mean. close the door on him in the bathroom, and eventually it will click. he’s probably not talking cause he just went through some hellish trauma. allow yourself, your boyfriend, and the brother some grace for this adjustment period. you could also consider living separately for a while if it’s in your best interest. just take care of yourself. and you got this.
So if the parents were arrested, were social services involved, or perhaps a police liason office? I think the first step is to see if it is possible for the child to get therapy.
It is absolutely not normal for an 11 yo to download tons of porn onto a laptop he knows he is borrowing. It is not ok and honestly this, plus his other behaviours is quite worrying. Do you have pets?
Do you have somewhere else you can stay, if you needed to?
It sounds like your boyfriend is ignoring your concerns, and this is not OK.
What I’d suggest is you have one sit down conversation with him, express your concerns, talk about the need for him and his brother to get therapy to process what has happened. Talk about how the porn viewing is not normal for an 11 to boy, and that he should talk to him about it. Talk about the need to have some boundaries and privacy (in the bedroom).
See how your boyfriend reacts to this. If he downplay your concerns, doesn’t listen to you, gaslight you by saying things didn’t happen etc, then make plans to move out. I know, this sounds extreme. But otherwise you’d be living with two brothers who don’t listen to you.
This kid has SERIOUS issues and needs to be in therapy, like now. It’s SUPER concerning that your BF isn’t taking it seriously AND is dismissing your feelings. He’s undoubtedly feeling really overwhelmed right now, but that’s no reason to put so much of this on you.
IMO you need to put your foot down and tell your BF that if he won’t take it seriously and get his brother help that you don’t feel safe and comfortable in the home & you’re leaving. Make it CLEAR you’re not saying “it’s me or your brother,” it’s “everyone’s mental health.”
This kid sounds like he really needs therapy, this is way beyond what you should be getting advice online for. I know he’s just a kid now, but what about a few years from now?? This behavior is not normal- none of what you describe is even close to normal for a boy his age. Therapy (and it might take a while to find a good therapist) is really your only option.
Honestly your feelings aren’t being taken seriously your boyfriend isn’t listening to u and u feel very uncomfortable so I suggest taking some time away or telling your boyfriend to take his brother to a therapist or he needs to leave.
Does he have any history of negative sexual behaviors? He’s at the age where those things start to manifest so I would just be careful. He’s still a kid though and he’s developing and some trauma can cause hypersexualized behavior as a response. But he’s still a kid and whatever he’s doing he likely doesn’t fully grasp as abnormal or inappropriate. Its important that you have a very clear conversation with him discussing boundaries; if he wasn’t living with you I would say that your boyfriend could do this alone but I think its important that you both are there. It doesn’t have to be punitive, just a conversation. Its amazing that you’re housing him and he’s going through a lot so it’s important to be gentle but also important to be very clear for your own safety. Don’t skirt around this though, nip it in the bud. Also it’s important to set up his environment for success, he’s still a kid so he might benefit from sticky notes in the bathroom with reminders to close the door and other places around the house. He’s about to enter puberty or has already started so your boyfriend is going to have to teach him about what is and isn’t appropriate. Keep yourself safe. If your boyfriend isn’t helping to create a good environment for both you and his brother, you may need to move on.
Stop living together.
When this escalate your boyfriend will not protect you and will be more concerned about his brother avoiding consequences.
In the meantime. Call out the behavior.
He stares. Ask him why is staring at you.
He’s there at your door. Ask him why.
Also get cameras. I find boys and men love to operate under the guise of secret or misunderstanding . They don’t want their shitty behavior made public. A recording is proof.
even i scared from that child while reading post. get away from house immediately and if your bf asks what’s wrong, you should tell him that something is wrong with his lil brother not you. he should take some actions fr. that’s just scary.
You need to move out ASAP.
Kid needs to go to therapy and you need to move out until the kid adjusts to being in a new household.
I am NOT saying to break up with your bf, but these are pretty extreme circumstances where bro needs to be around family and focus on healing instead of behaving like he was probably treated and believing this is normal.
Oh fuck no. It’s the dismissive behavior that gets to me. Sure, maybe the younger brother isn’t actually a creep, but even if he wasn’t, it’s his brother’s responsibility to actuallty pay attention to what’s going on with him and what you’re saying out of concern for you AND his little brother.
If something happens with his brother due to his negligence, it’ll be “i didnt see the signs”.
Well he sounds like a current creeper and future SA. It doesn’t matter if you’re renting you can put a lock on the door then switch it out later. Install cameras for proof. And be very direct with your bf, either he does something about his brothers creeper behavior and stop dismissing your valid feelings, or you’re not staying there anymore. You don’t need to be a victim in your own damn home.
This kid needs intensive psychiatric intervention, immediately.
You need to have a serious discussion about this with your bf. In all likelihood he will be responsible for his brother until he turns 18. Are you willing to put up with 7 more years of this? This behavior can escalate and become dangerous for you.
Get a new boyfriend with enough emotional maturity to understand that such a situation is a big NO.
It sounds like he is trying his best to provoke you.
He’s trying to walk on you naked. Both ways. And purposely downloading porn on your laptop. His brother needs to man up and have the talk.
I know you said you don’t want to go into the details, but were the parents arrested for something sexual? My parents adopted my nephew, who is now 11, and I can tell you this isn’t normal behavior. It sounds like it’s a taught behavior or a reaction to sexual trauma.
Honestly, you need to have a very serious conversation with your boyfriend about this. He’s ignoring a serious problem, which is not only putting you in a bad situation, it’s also harming his little brother. He needs to teach his brother that his behavior isn’t okay and work to solve this issue before it gets worse. If he’s doing this stuff to you, then what does he do with girls his own age? His brother needs therapy ASAP, you need to start locking your doors (there are other solutions if you can’t use a doorknob, and you need to address this behavior every time it happens.
The kids behavior is concerning, and your boyfriend’s behavior towards you and the kid is unacceptable.
Keep a close tally on your underwear is all I’m saying …
Your bf is oblivious to the fact his younger brother is a ticking time bomb
Him and his brother would have to go
Honestly, you need to move out. This kid is seriously disturbed and needs to be in therapy, but your boyfriend isn’t taking it seriously. His behavior will continue to escalate as long as it’s not put in check.
Tell your boyfriend it’s because he needs to focus on helping his brother right now, and you can’t be caught in the middle of it.
As a mom with boys around that same age…no, 11 yr olds downloading porn is not normal. Curiosity is normal, but that content is not appropriate for their young, developing minds, and it shouldn’t just be swept under the rug and enabled. Coupling that with the staring and entering your bedroom…it’s not ok and he needs help. The showering with the bathroom door makes me wonder if something traumatic happened and he doesn’t feel safe in the enclosed bathroom with the shower going, and if that same trauma is the root of these other behaviors.
I agree with the advice to move out for now if you can, and insist this child gets the help he needs.
I’m not sure anyone has mentioned this yet, but some of his behaviors indicate sexual trauma or child abuse.
Being hypersexual, doing age inappropriate things, not understanding physical boundaries, and seeking porn at 11 years of age are all indicators that this child has witnessed, experienced, or been exposed to things that were inappropriate.
Your boyfriend may be jaded because he came from the same household, but he better wake up, get his head screwed on straight, and take this seriously. Allowing an 11 year old to knowingly have access to porn is considered sexual abuse and child endangerment in some places.
I understand your feelings. They’re valid. Something is off with this child. However, before you jump straight to fearing him, try to put his behavior into perspective and look at things from a different point of view.
Your boyfriend took guardianship of him. He needs to start acting like a guardian and start talking to his brother like an adult talks to a child. This child needs boundaries, and he needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable. Your boyfriend needs to tell him that when he uses the restroom or showers, the door remains closed. He needs to know its unacceptable behavior to search for porn. If he can’t be trusted with the computer, he will not be allowed to use the computer or will only be permitted to do so under one of your supervision.
This child needs therapy ASAP. You and your boyfriend need guidance and assistance. If DCS or a similar agency is involved, reach out and ask for help for this child and ask what you can do to get him help.
Obsession with sex at this age is often a sign of a sexually abused kid.
You need to find out what’s happening and kid needs therapy and maybe police. He’s pre-puberty, apart from mental illness not many other reasons for such behaviour.
How can you feel safe and trust in this relationship? Why would you stay if you can’t. If I were in your spot, it would either be him or me.
You are currently setting yourself and anyone you allow to be around to be in constant danger.
Are you sure your boyfriend isn’t hiding something from you (a juvenile record, other assault allegations, etc)? He seems totally dismissive of your safety, feelings and issues of trust regarding his brother.
Good Luck
UPDATEME
I feel like a lot of these comments are sort of harsh. Your feelings are absolutely valid but people jumping to him being a future rapist need to calm down. I work in child welfare (CPS) and a lot of these behaviors are typical of a child that’s been abused or possibly just never had any boundaries of structure in their home of origin. I’d recommend finding a therapist for him asap (present it to him not there’s something wrong with him but that he has been thru so much and needs someone to talk to to help him thru this in a way that you can’t), find some books about boundaries and consent, and kindly reiterate your boundaries every single time. “You are starting at me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Please stop.” If he doesn’t, then you leave the room and you say why “I’m leaving the room because you aren’t respecting my boundaries and I’m uncomfortable.” Closing the bathroom door repeatedly as others have suggested but please don’t slam it. Cover your eyes and close the door saying “I’m closing the bathroom door because what we do in the bathroom is private, and I also don’t consent to seeing you naked.” You have to treat this like he’s a toddler if he’s never been taught this before.
Regarding the porn, he now loses iPad privileges, but explain that there’s nothing wrong with being curious, but porn is not for kids and seeing porn on line can be dangerous for kids etc.
while you’re doing all of that, encourage and praise positive behaviors whenever you see them, even small ones. “I noticed you kept the door closed” or “I noticed you knocked first, thank you”
And get him socialized with other kids or activities.
I’m not asking for details, but does any of the things you have listed correlate to what sent his parents to jail? Therapy is a definite MUST, but it could help figure out if a specific therapist might be more effective if any of these things are tied together. Also? His age doesn’t necessarily negate the seriousness of his actions. We had a 10 year old in our town kill his 7 year old sister after terrorizing her for months. The mom didn’t realize how bad it was and said it was normal boy stuff and kinda brushed it off. She found her daughter in the freezer when she went to make dinner. Her son was sitting on the couch watching videos. I don’t judge her. It never crossed her mind that he was a monster, who would think that of their 10 year old? She lost both of her children and has to live with her choices. So, I don’t judge her, but I think we can learn from her. I tell you this to point out that ANYONE can cross that line. Take your health and safety seriously. Do what you can to help your boyfriend and his brother, but not at the expense of yourself. Good Luck to you.
It sounds to me like a power/control issue, this child has lost EVERYTHING and is exerting what little control he has. Kids don’t possess the language and cognitive skills to express their feelings, so it usually comes out in behaviors that are somehow unhealthy. Sexuality, anger, violence, bad and boundary pushing behaviors are all normal ways this shows up – now by normal I don’t mean you should ignore it, I mean this is the common pattern of these unhealthy expressions of internal turmoil.
However, I would suggest that you push your BF into getting his little bro into therapy, it is absolutely critical. There is NO way this kid can get through this trauma in any kind of healthy way without it. It sounds like your BF is in denial as well and unwilling to parent his brother… and that is the adjustment he MUST make, he needs to become his brothers parent, not remain his brother.
**Unmanaged porn access at 11 is NOT normal, curiosity, yes, but unchecked consumption of porn at that age is actually extremely harmful. Your BF knowing about it and allowing it is actually child abuse via negligence, and depending on where you live it could even be considered sexual abuse.**
Your BF needs to step up as a parent, because what he’s doing right now is negligence, maybe he needs to speak to child protective services to access support for him and his brothers situation, but he is going down a bad road just ignoring his little brothers unhealthy behaviors.
And you, honestly, you should tell your BF that either he handles parenting his brother or you need to move out – because while this whole situation isn’t his fault, it is his responsibility and if you stay while his little bro is in turmoil and he’s not handling it, you could become involved in multiple different ways that are not good for you. Depending on how bad it gets, you could get in legal trouble even because if you know these things are going on and do nothing in terms of reporting it, you could be considered an accessory depending where things spiral too simply by being an adult in the house.
Don’t dismiss yourself and allow your BF to tell you that you’re being ridiculous/overreacting etc. Protect yourself first in this situation because this could quickly become ugly in many different ways.
All of my sons had their “awakening around 11/12. I had them very young and came from a hone where there were no boundaries on our parents, so I learned real quick that knocking is a must about the 3rd time I walked in on my oldest… ‘getting to know himself’. I’m pretty sure I’m still traumatized from that. The difference is that he and his brothers were just horrified that I knew/found out. They didn’t want me to see them nude for no reason all the time. If they had a weird bump/lump/whatever, then sure, they’d ask and show me, but that’s it. They had downloaded porn on their phones when they were older but they’re 29-24 now and we didn’t have much money or fancy phones so idk if that had anything to do with it but I know for certain they never wanted me to know. They didn’t really like that i knew they masturbated because “thats embarassing” but I told them it’s normal, just put a sock on the doorknob or something so I didn’t knock or anything and knew they wanted left alone. Lol.
Mire than anything, it’s a combination of everything he’s doing that shoots his behavior off into the stratosphere. His purposely wanting you to catch him nude or exposed. He wanted you to know he watched porn, what kind, etc. He openly stares at you and never tries to hide it. And your bf just blatantly doesn’t care and is dismissive. He absolutely needs therapy at a minimum.. Stat! He’s kinda fixed on you, and it would be very disconcerting. The biggest problem is your bf, and the next is the brother because a normal bf wouldn’t be reacting how he is. I’d also wonder if the brother has been exposed to secual abuse or something of the like.
I dated a guy with an insane family life and parental trauma/ crazy siblings and my only advice is to actually leave
Your 23. Looks like this kid will be in your BFs care for a long time yet. He is deeply troubled and is showing signs of being completely unboundaried around sexuality.
Your 23. I’d leave.
There is no reason for you to take this on yourself and your BF is not considering you or showing any impulse to protect you. Perhaps he thinks this behavior is normal. Which opens more questions. But again you are 23. Just walk away. Your future self will thank you.
Has your underwear or bras started to go missing ye? This kid sounds like he’s escalating and you are far from safe.
You need to sit your boyfriend down and explain he’s allowing his brother to become a future sex offender by minimizing all this behavior. They all start somewhere.
OP, serious question, why is this your problem to deal with?
Is this man the only man in the world? Does his penis magic and grant wishes when you rub it?
Why exactly are you sticking around in this situation because from where I’m sitting you are acting like the person who dies first in a horror movie because they kept ignoring all of the signs.
Listen, you expressed your concerns to your boyfriend multiple times, and every time he invalidates, ignores, or minimizes your feelings, so is this really the type of man you want to continue building a life with?
Is he really the type of man you feel like trusting with your safety, or better yet imagine if you had a daughter and he was her father, would you trust him to protect her?
You are 23, not 63. You are so young and early into a adult life, why exactly have you decided to stick with this man for better or for worse?
I’m 17 years older than you so please allow me to share some dating advice I’ve learned the hard way over the years, **dating is not marriage**.
The vows of for better or for worse don’t apply.
So the question you need to ask yourself is feeling uncomfortable and unsafe in your own home really worth some random man?
This kids behavior is already escalating so why are you sticking around to see what happens next?