so, i(NB23) was in a really fucked up relationship for 5 years. i won’t go into much detail, but he(M25) broke bones, S A’d me regularly(& sometimes violently), bloodied my face, etc etc. long story short this man was extremely violent. he showed his father viewed nude photos of me a minor, and constantly made sexual advances towards me. Katie would cover for my ex even though she did not like him(to my knowledge) if i had visible physical injury, saying she did it by accident, including the time he broke bone.
i brought our friend group together which included my best friend(F25) since i was 7, we can call her Katie. and a friend(F26), let’s call her Tracy, who had become like a sister to me even though we hadn’t known each other as long. Me and my ex bf broke up bc he put his hands on me & destroyed our brand new apartment in a rage fit. i couldn’t take anymore, so i had him pack his things and leave with the help of my “friends”, who seemingly supported me. a week later on my birthday, i discovered Tracy and my ex had been seeing each other behind my back. i cut her out immediately, and Katie and the rest of the friend group chose to stay friends with my ex and Tracy. i severed ties with all of our mutual friends, and moved out of the state to get as far away as possible to heal. within the year two other women came to me through social media and told me he had S A’d them shortly after our breakup. i also heard that the friend group was in tact, and that my ex and Tracy had a sexual relationship. i felt a huge loss, as i loved all of these people dearly and could not understand how they would do this to me. i suffer from cptsd, and physical issues such herniated discs, scars, and pain in the area in which my bone was broken due to the abuse i was put through- all while my dear “friends” witnessed, begged me to leave, etc.
this was several years ago now, and i’ve been in therapy to try heal from the emotional and mental damage i endured. i forgave them, for my own sake. i have so much love for them, even though i would never consider allowing any of them back into my life. i have mostly accepted it, and have moved into a much healthier life, both physically and mentally. i don’t know that i’ll ever be 100% healed from the abuse & the huge betrayal that followed, but i know it had been getting better.
WELL.. a few days ago, i heard that one of Katie’s parents died. remember, i’ve known & been in her life longer than i haven’t been.. so i knew her parents as well, they were practically family. i went to try and reach out via social media(i’ve been good about never checking on any of them prior to this) and discovered that her parent had passed a year ago, so i decided against reaching out. i also discovered Katie and Tracy are still best friends- but now, Katie and my ex are dating, and they have been together for two years- i was absolutely stunned, and it felt like the pain of finding out that my ex and Tracy had been cheating behind my back on my birthday all over again. i had actually questioned my ex and Katie at one point if there was something going on during our relationship, and they both assured me nothing was going on and i was just jealous.
my mental health had severely declined, im having delusions, nightmares are flaring up, amongst other uncomfortable symptoms of my cptsd. im managing okay but i just don’t know what to do, i feel half of the time im in actual denial that i actually saw what i saw,and the other half of the time im just grieving these lost relationships. i don’t know if i need validation, support, advice or all of the above, but i just don’t know how to deal with this and i need help.
TL;DR my ex boyfriend and abuser of 5 years fucked & cheated on me with one of my closest friends, and now im finding out he’s been dating my other closest friend for 2 years. don’t know how to cope
sorry for any typos or if this isn’t clear i’m not in a great headspace so please be be gentle 💗
4 comments
Ah saw you deleted your original so i moved to here; so heres my advice.
You block them, and you have to deal through the pain but maintain No Contact.
Katie was never a best friend if she enabled your abuse, and Tracy was never your friend if she hooked up with your ex behind your back after the fact also officially.
She even disrespected you and went for him while you two were dating.
I understand 100% that you’ve been friends with these people longer than ive been alive and thats been 17 years but these aren’t friends, they’re opportunists if you need a brand for them.
I do believe seeking therapy is very very wise thing, in order to manage your ctpsd and mitigate your feelings about this. Im not saying to suppress how you feel but you dont want to buy the fuel their selling and let them burn you too.
Your mental & physical health needs to be the #1 priority rn.
Its good to show empathy and to be forgiving, thats good for the soul but you reverse all the healing when you go back to the past and try to remediate in this situation.
I have a feeling this gets way worse if you do go back and remediate, they’ve clearly shown that they dont care about your well-being and are willing to violate your boundaries and sovereignty at any given moment.
I am so proud of YOU! You have chosen to have a healthy life away from toxicity, chaos and violence. It’s not an easy thing to do and you are to be commended.
Although you are hurting right now by seeing the current dysfunction of your former life, it’s a great reminder of how bad your life would have been if you stayed. Your former friends are definitely in the unstable, unsafe dysfunctional FOG. They obviously aren’t thinking clearly if they choose to befriend and date your ex. There’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. You must put yourself first and survive. You owe them nothing at this point.
Sometimes life picks you up and takes you away for a reason. Don’t be tempted to even spend a minute back in that lifestyle. Not even with texts or phone calls. The past is the past. It’s over.
Keep up the great work! Good luck to you.
Don’t let the past get in the way of your future. For your own sake, break off contact with all these people and _keep it that way_. There is no need to invite this hurt into your life again. And please keep going to therapy and sharing all you’re feeling with your therapist.
I’m calling BS on this, if it were really as severe as you say it would be impossible to have no charges filed.
Judging by your comments you are fishing for afformation.