My husband started hanging out with his coworkers outside of work a couple years ago. Over time, their friend group has mostly lost communication (switching jobs, moving away, etc…), except this one friend. This one friend has grown very fond of my husband. They hang out quite often, sometimes even for 8+ hrs of what my husband says is just them talking and hanging out. He gets him gifts, expensive ones, for nearly every occasion, personally customized, goes all out. My husband feels bad and says he’s such a nice guy and so he “puts up” with the friendship. At that point I wasn’t not really concerned.
However, until recently, I feel as though it has escalated a bit. It does not bother me that he has a gay friend, unless it puts a damper on our relationship. He invites my husband everywhere and wants to do everything with him. My husband is just not that guy, he has to have his space. So his friend gets mad at him for not wanting to spend time with him. Eventually my husband will do something out of his way to make up for it. It has gotten to the point where it is now spilling into our family time. We share a son and often we try to have a day when we share a day off to go out and do a day trip or do something together. Well now some of our plans include bringing him along in order to make up for a time my husband didn’t hang with him. I honestly don’t know if it’s because my husband doesn’t want to be alone with him or what. It’s a bit awkward because there is a language barrier and his English isn’t great. My son also thinks it’s odd that he tags along as my son and I don’t know him very well.
**It should be noted that me and my husband work opposite schedules, I work day shift (10-12hr shifts) and he works graveyard (12hr shifts) so the days that we are both working i only see him for about 30 mins in the morning when I am trying to rush out of the house. He often works weekends which are my days off so our time together is already limited as it is.
Anyway, a couple days ago I was having a conversation with my husband and his friend got brought up somehow. I made the comment that my husband should help him find a boyfriend. My husband responded that his friend says he isn’t looking for that right now (he got divorced just before him and my husband became friends). And I playfully said, why would he be when he already has you. My husband responded with “don’t start with that” as if someone else has said something similar. He goes on to say that his friend is really annoying and it’s too much for him. But he wouldn’t explain any details and didn’t want to talk about it any further.
[Full Disclosure] Naturally, I got curious. This guy texts my husband everyday and so I thought let me see what they actually talk about. Nearly every message from the friend has some type of affection to it. My husband just kind of ignores it. He tells him that he loves him constantly, that he cares for him a lot, that he wants to hug him, kiss him, eat him. He invites him
to come over and lay in bed with him. That he thinks about him all the time and that my husband wouldn’t want to know what he is thinking. When he doesn’t get a chance to talk with him at work he gets upset. He gets jealous when my husband talks with his other coworker friends (other males) at work and doesn’t make time for him and he makes sure he knows how he feels. Which concerns me that he is becoming possessive of him. He has also made references to me. That I am toxic because I text my husband asking him when he will be home when they are together. And that I should leave him alone. In addition, he refers to my husband’s mother as his mother in law.
Of course because I am reading all these messages without my husband’s knowledge, I am stumped on how to approach this. I know I am totally wrong for snooping but I just had a feeling something wasn’t right. I wish my husband would open up to me and tell me all of this when I ask but he does not. Any advice on how I can move forward? And any advice for my husband to start distancing himself for this guy without upsetting him? I am even concerned that my husband is okay with this behavior from him.
We have plans with him this upcoming Friday and after knowing what I know now I just don’t know if I can remain silent about it.