My husband (29M) and I (20F) have been together for two years. We met at work, and I was drawn to him because he was patient with everyone. I’m naturally pretty aggressive and stubborn, so his calmness was refreshing.
A few months into our relationship, I got pregnant. I had an abortion scheduled, but my friend who was supposed to go with me flaked, and I ended up talking to my mom instead. My mom, who’s always been kind of a narcissist, convinced me to keep the baby because she wanted a grandchild. Being 18 and still idolizing her, I agreed.
I moved in with my then-boyfriend, and soon after, we bought a house together right before our son was born. We eloped not long before that. He was wonderful during my pregnancy; kind, patient, and supportive. I had no reason to believe we wouldn’t spend the rest of our lives together. But things changed after the baby was born.
The first night in the hospital, I let him sleep for seven hours while I cared for our son. When I asked him to take over, he only handled it for an hour and a half before waking me up again. I got barely three hours of sleep. He laid on my hospital bed with our son while I sat in a chair, and somehow, he thought that was okay. This set the tone for everything that followed – he’s consistently selfish. He always says things like “Well, you let me do it!” as if he doesn’t have a mind of his own. It feels like I’m his conscience, and it’s exhausting.
When we got home from the hospital, he would yell at me for asking him to change diapers, even though I was breastfeeding exclusively. He’d call me lazy for not doing more around the house, even though I was contact-napping all day with our newborn. He’d play video games for hours while I was left caring for the baby. I had to beg him to help, and when he did, it was only the chores he “liked” doing, never what actually needed to be done.
Things have somewhat improved—he’s a better dad now—but never as a husband. He’s still at the same job he had when we met, while I went back to work as a server after my maternity leave. I make more money now, but he still refuses to leave his job because it’s his “childhood dream,” even though it’s not enough to support us. We argued about this for over a year before he finally admitted that sometimes you need to let go of dreams to support your family, but now it’s harder for him to find a new job in his field.
A few months ago, I went to Colombia for two weeks with our son and my parents. All I asked of him was to clean the house and get his learner’s permit while we were gone. He spent the two weeks weeding the yard because that’s what he “likes to do,” and didn’t even try to take his learner’s test until the last day—he failed, and hasn’t tried again since.
He has two chores: doing the dishes and taking out the trash. He never does them on time, and I end up cleaning the entire house while he uses the excuse that he’s “spending time with the kiddo.” It frustrates me because when I was with the baby 24/7, I was labeled lazy for not doing more. Now he’s suddenly a good dad because he’s spending more time with our son while I work and clean.
He’s called me horrible names in the past, like a “lazy, useless piece of sh*t who won’t get a job” when I was still on maternity leave (we’re Canadian). Now that I’m back at work, things are a little easier, but I’m growing resentful. I’m doing everything—working, cleaning, taking care of our toddler—and while he works more hours than I do, it doesn’t feel balanced.
I don’t want to leave because I’m scared of what it means to be a single mom. I make enough money to pay the mortgage, but I wouldn’t have many of the luxuries I have now. My parents are supportive, despite their own issues, so I know I wouldn’t be alone. But socially? I feel like having a man by my side gives me some sort of shield. People look down on me less, despite being a young mom, because I’m married. I’m scared of how I’d be treated as a single mom.
And what if I want to date again in the future? I know I wouldn’t want anything serious right away, but at some point, I would want a partner. But who would want me? I’m 20, with a child, working as a server, and with all this baggage. I know I have goals, I’m working toward my paralegal diploma and have plans for myself and my son, but I also know I want companionship in life. But I'm also very well aware single moms are commonly known as "used goods" and I'm worried it would make me unloveable or unwanted.
What can I do, how can I fix our relationship? Are my standards too high? Is this just how marriage is? And what if I can't fix it, will I be alone if I leave? I’m not asking if I’ll be ostracized, because I know I will be, but I guess I’m asking what others would do in my situation.