I’m writing this post mainly to get some things of my mind because I’m trying not to keep things in too much. So this is pretty much just a rant.
I’m a 21 y/o female living in London and I’ll give you all some details on myself so that things may make a bit more sense. I’ve always been really shy and found to open up to people and make friends really hard, like I’d literally freeze if people tried speaking to me or I’d say the wrong thing, I’d get really in my mind about initiating conversations because I don’t know what to say to people — my mind goes absolutely blank. And I’m just really quiet. I’m terrible at voicing my thought, I’m scared what I’ll say will be ignore or sound extremely stupid.
I don’t want to be this way at all and I’ve been trying for years to come out of this shyness or fear of speaking for years and it has gotten better but about 2 years ago I became extremely depressed from university, friendship and self image issues and just stop talking to people and now I’m pretty much where I started. Even though I’m a lot happier now and have gotten better at dealing with my emotions I still find it hard to come out and speak to people and make friends.
I always thought I could make friends based on common interests but I’ve lost so much interest in things I use to like like gaming, anime and reading but now I don’t have any interests and mainly scroll through instagram. I tried going to a volleyball club but the distance was really annoying and I felt so anxious around the new people that I just stopped going (though I’m thinking of going back). I want to join discord groups to make online friends but I don’t even know where to start with joining them or how to find them. I want to pick up new interests but I don’t really have the time because I’m always working, nor the money because some many activities require money and London is stupid expensive.
Friendship wise I feel like people are going on the bigger and better things (which I’m happy for ofc) but I also feel like people are maturing and drifting away. And by “maturing” I don’t necessarily mean that I’m “childish”, I mean they’re all experiencing stuff like partying and travelling in groups and creating stuff and graduating and I feel like I’m stuck behind. Like I want to go out, go to parties, go travelling with friends, take pictures to post on Instagram, have FaceTime calls with friends, and actually celebrate my birthday how every other 20-something year old does (like I’m literally turning 22 next month and I’m probably not going to celebrate because I truly don’t think people would even want to celebrate it with me).
I’m not entirely sure of what I want to do with my life, what I’d like to contribute to the world, I don’t know how to go out and present myself in the best light, I’m not sure about how to be a better friend, I don’t know how to become more likeable, how to rekindle or initiate friendship, and I’m not sure how to become a better version of myself.
Tbh I know what to do to change but I’m scared that I’ll fail and be rejected, and I don’t want to fail and be rejected so I end up not messaging people back for days and weeks, I don’t follow up on plans, I don’t go out to meet new people, I don’t have fun, and I don’t think all to protect myself from failure and rejection.
I don’t feel sorry for myself nor do I want others to feel sorry for me, I just need to rant because it’s something I feel sad about and have no one to talk to about it. I just want to reinvent myself and I feel like acknowledging what I want to change is a part of that.
I guess my real question is: how do you get over being afraid of trying to be better?
And how have other people been navigating their 20s? Is it normal to feel like an uninteresting, friendless loser, or is it just me?
Sorry if this is super incoherent, I’ve been crying whilst typing this and I just want to get this out.