It's been a tough summer. I'm unemployed and have been suffering with major mental health issues because of it, not least a really bad relapse of an eating disorder I've harbored for almost all of my life. It's gotten to a point where if I don't get help for this, it's going to kill me — it's already killing me — but I'm just about at the end of my grad student insurance (graduated in June) and have absolutely no money, very little insurance (possibly insured through my state's version of Medicaid), and as much as I hate it, I need money for my living expenses and money to meet my health insurance deductable, which is thankfully pretty low ($1200). I've talked to my mom and she's given me a little bit of money to make ends meet at the moment, but she's also losing her job, which really just leaves my dad as my best option.
Here's the complicated part of this: my dad and I haven't had an emotionally vulnerable conversation maybe ever. He has an idea that my siblings and I, all of whom are of course suffering in our own ways after our beloved and very involved grandmother died last month, have no issues whatsoever. Every time (every time!) I see him, he talks about how happy he is to have all three of us "off the payroll" and how proud he is that we're all off doing our own things. It feels like a massive step backwards, and one that won't be rewarded, to ask him for help, and I'm worried that this is something he'll want me to pay him back for, or something he won't understand at all and won't be able to help with simply because he doesn't think it's that important (cucumber-lover, why won't you just eat?). He has a lot more financial means than both my mom and I. I guess my real question here is: how do you ask your emotionally unavailable dad for money when you know it's disappointing him? How will this change our relationship? What will he think of me knowing that I'm, I guess, falliable and human and flawed?
TL;DR: I need to ask my emotionally unavailable dad for rehab money and don't know how to do it/don't know how to cope with being the Fuck Up Kid