Guess I'll try to start at the beginning, and keep this as concise as I can. I'm 28 about to be 29 soon, have no career but working towards one.
At 17 I ended up homeless in highschool because my mother is a violent drug addict and alcoholic. I was living out of friends couches and the occasional park benches, malls etc. I powered through highschool with alcohol and drugs; my abusive father offered me a place to live in return for working on his house and helping him with his side business. So I did, was trapped in another abusive household because it was too expensive for me to live on my own. Didn't even get my first actual job til I was 21. But anyway, 6 years pass and I saved up 20k over a course of 3 long hard years of busting my ass at warehouses so I could move out of state due to the cost of living and my shitty father. Then right as I'm getting jobs and apartments lined up my father suddenly had a stroke and he ended up in the hospital. He died a few months later. It was surreal. I couldn't process it even happened.. and then 5 months later my asshole aunt and uncle kick me out of my family house and gave me half the money the house was worth. The other half they gave to my poor disabled aunt who has dementia and schizophrenia. My gf at the time let me move in with her and her folks.
Cut to now and I'm completely broke, have a phone trial today for debt I absolutely cannot afford to payback, I'm fighting withdrawals from alcohol every single day, have multiple severe injuries I'm recovering from without adequate medical care because my shitty job doesn't even pay enough to cover food so now I have to apply for food stamps.. I went from riches to rags within the span of 4 years all because of a shitty relationship, shitty circumstances, and my shitty family and my substance abuse problems I couldn't get support for cause my ex is a cunt.
Here's the small amount of good. I've quit smoking all together, only drink occasionally to balance out the withdrawals so I don't die from DTS; I've lost about 70 pounds in the span of about 8 months, and I somehow got myself into college but I'm barely making it week after week. I can barely afford to keep a roof over my head right now and I feel hopeless. I know God is putting me through all this because I made bad decisions and chased the world; but I'm beyond exhausted from this Job season. I almost shot myself 4 days ago, haven't really told anyone or talked to anyone because I don't want to get labeled or stigmatized already more than I am. What little family I have left is dying or already gone. Had to bury my grandfather last year and he was my father not my deadbeat pos dad who fucked my life up even from the grave. I just… I'm so tired of struggling, of hurting, of toughing it all out. I pray every day for deliverance.
Any advice would be welcome at this point. I know I'm half responsible for all the shit that has happened to me but honestly my dad was a failure at life and failed to teach me how to be an adult and my mom was more like the torturer at Guantanamo bay. To this day I still remember the pain, the beatings, waking up to my door being kicked in and getting screamed at inches away from my face, being blamed for every single thing that ever went wrong. All the horrible shit I went through in school and all the near death experiences.. idk how I've even made it this far. It seems to me like this shitty world has done nothing but try to kill me since I was born.
If I could die and give my life to someone else, someone who could actually do something with this mess and in return I get to go to heaven and just sleep for eternity I would take that deal in a heart beat. I don't know how much more I can take.