Hey, this is my first reddit post and I just need advice. So, my boyfriend and I got into an argument that wasn't very deep (it was about my dog lol). Well things escalated and eventually we just gave up trying to talk about it. After we gave up talking about my dog that night, my bf said to me "I'm scared for where our relationship is going."
The last few days before that argument we had been arguing about not very deep things every day, so i understand why he was saying that.
I responded with, "it is what it is."
I understand that what i said could be taken negatively, so I said it very calmly and not in a blowing off what he said kind of way. I took some time before i responded with that and thought that i didn't want to say that i'm scared too because i wanted to comfort him.
There was definitely more to my statement that just saying "it is what it is" but right after i got those words out my bf stood up(we were laying next to each other) and started yelling, not raising his voice, he was yelling. He yelled at me that I shouldn't have said that and that I should have tried to comfort him and should have said that everything was going to be okay and we can work things out instead.
Since he started yelling at me so quickly after i said "it is what it is" i knew that he took it the wrong way, so while he was yelling I was saying "now, it is what it is right now. I didn't want to invalidate that you were scared because i trying know that the way we had been arguing and its not good for us and that we have things to work on".
He didn't hear any of that since he was yelling.
He then sat down on the edge of the bed and yelled at me "that's it, i'm breaking up with you. We're done".
I just stared at him. Said nothing. Got up, grabbed my car keys. ATP he had gotten up to and was trying to block me from leaving, yet he didn't say anything. I made my way out to my car and he followed me to it without saying anything.
Once i was at my car i couldn't bring myself to get in since I was in shock.
We have been dating for a year and a couple months and friends since middle school so i was in shock that it was ending like this. I didn't understand how he could break up with me over one thing i said and he didn't even try to get clarification on it, the yelling part too really got to me.
I leaned on the front of my car and he finally said to me "i don't want to break up with you, I didn't mean it"
I told him that i just needed a second to myself. He walked away and i sat in my car for 30 minutes crying.
It was so late that i couldn't drive somewhere (my dad lives 1 1/2 hours away) so i came back inside and went to sleep.
The days after all i could think about every day was what he yelled and reliving the moment all day from waking up, at work, to seeing him and going to sleep. my bf was apologizing for saying he wanted to break up and anytime i asked him why he yelled that or even thought it he told me it was because he was angry and said it impulsively.
That Friday i called my dad and was feeling awful. My dad reassured me that i didn't deserve that treatment and that when people truly love each other the thought of breaking up shouldn't even be a thought (especially given the circumstance).
After talking with my dad i told my bf that it hurts me so much that he broke up so impulsively while yelling and that i've never even thought to break up with him and i was hurting. He begged me to stay.
I decided to drive to my dad's late that Friday and the next day i called my bf.
That next day i told my bf that i would come back to get dinner with him. My car's battery died overnight due to a faulty fog light and my dad had to jump it so i could go see my bf.
My bf and i went to dinner and i just wanted to see him since i love him.
I stayed in the apartment with him for the next few weeks.
Those weeks that followed i felt really uncomfortable. I didn't want to kiss him. Being touched by him made me hurt thinking about how quickly he threw it all away. I was worrying everyday that something could happen and i would be told to leave.
I didn't feel the same anymore. I love him so much so i tried to figure out a way to make things better.
I had been having thoughts every once in a while that maybe it would be better for me to move out from living with him and stay in the relationship while creating some space for the trust to be healed.
After a week and a half of feeling like i should move i realized that it would be a good idea to move forward with that idea. So i approached my bf two Fridays ago with my idea to move. He was really upset Friday, but he told me that if it would help me he would stick with me through it and hopefully we can live together again. I thought sweet, he is willing to hear out my concerns and how i feel i can heal the trust and vulnerability that was damaged.
Then literally the next day i got home from work and asked him to meet me in my car so we could get french fries (lol i had been craving them all day). He told me to just wait a minute since he was on the phone with his friends.
Once he got into my car and we were heading to McDonalds he started telling me that he "doesn't agree" with me moving out.
He said, "you moving out is more deteriorating to our relationship than what i said to you". He then went on to tell me that "actions speak louder than words".
I was in shock the whole time. He completely flipped. He didn't want to hear me out and instead was saying that my reaction to him hurting me is worse than the hurt he did. He has said to me so much that actions hurt more than words and so i tried to explain to him that his words were an action… he broke up with me. When i said he broke up with me he immediately denied it and said since he didn't mean it then he didn't actually break up with me. So i had to explain that from the moment he yelled that he was breaking up with me to the moment he took it back when i got to my car… He broke up with me. It happened. I was driving myself crazy in the car pleading that even though he didn't mean it, he broke up with me.
So i left that night again.
That Sunday i didn't see him, but we talked on the phone a lil, nothing major.
Then Monday i saw him because it was labor day and his grandma invited his family over.
We hung out before his g'mas and he told me that he really loves me and wants things to work out and that he wants me to heal with him. I was telling him that i love him and that it hurts that it happened but i do still want to be with him. His gma asked me when i said bye to her if everything was okay between me and my bf and i asked her if she would be free to chat tmw, she said yes. My bf took me home that night and i stayed in va till the next day.
The next day when i saw his gma i explained to her the situation and she reassured me that people say things they don't mean in relationships and that since I've articulated how being told I'm being broken up with is such a hurtful thing for me that if my bf says it again i should take it seriously and leave.
Talking w his gma helped me understand that my bf probably grew up around ppl who say things like they're breaking up with their persona and don't mean it, so i took that as a reason to give my bf grace.
That night i went back up to see my bf, since it was our monthly anniversary and we had dinner. Over dinner we talked about what i had realized while talking with his gma and we agreed that we both want things to work out.
I stayed the night with him and the next day he was reassuring me that he will never say that to me again. It was nice to hear, but deep down i can't trust him.
I brought up the convo we had in my car that Saturday and told him that i was upset that he felt me moving out was worse for our relationship than him breaking up with me (which is the cause of me wanting to move out). I explained to him that i still don't feel comfortable being intimate and my trust for him is still damage and i don't want to keep feeling like this. He then said to me "if you move out, then i'm breaking up with you".
.Bruh.
So i said "why?"
And he explained how he has a boundary in relationships that if the other person has to go away instead of fixing things "together" then he doesn't want to be in the relationship. I understand where he's coming from but i cant stop thinking about how he said that. I told him that i understood that night.
That brings me to today, thanks for reading if you are still :).
So up until today i had been living with him and just dealing with the fact that i need to fix the trust thats been damaged, but i know that i can't move out to do that since he'll break up with me for doing that.
I feel like i've been fawning. Ignoring my feeling of discomfort and anxiety so that our relationship will get better.
Tonight i told my boyfriend that it makes me upset that he told me he will break up with me for moving out. I reiterated that i want to move out to create some space for the trust to be rebuilt and that it's hard to do that when i'm living in an apartment with him and i can't trust that he won't throw me out of it impulsively(he's in the military so he's getting his rent paid by bah rn so i don't have any part in paying rent, i moved into what was already his apartment)
He responded that since he has self respect he wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship where i need to move out to fix the issue.
Like i said earlier, i understand and agree with that sentiment that you should always confide in your partner and work things out with them to make a relationship better. The part that bothers me is that i've never said that i was moving out and breaking up with him. I want to work on the relationship together just not living together.
I responded to that by saying how if i had used the same argument of needing to have self respect then i should have left the moment he yelled at me and said he was breaking up with me.
To that he said,"then leave".
So i walked into my dad's house and he drove to his apartment.
I am heartbroken. All i have been trying to do is make how he hurt me heal. I don't want to worry if things will impulsively go away. I can't even be around him now without worrying since he yelled at me. I tried to express what i need and his response"if you move out, then I'm breaking up with you" is saying the thing that caused me to want to move out in the first place.
When i expressed that i pushed my "self respect" aside for the sake of our relationship his response again was to tell me to leave. This all just feels bad. I realized when he said "then leave" tonight that even now after all of this he still has breaking up on his mind. Even when i probably should've broken up with him, i didn't. When i brought that up i was trying to explain to him that i didn't just leave because i want this relationship to work out. The fact that after all of this he still says to me that my reaction to him saying he will break up with me(moving out) will make him break up with me and mean it this time. I am just so confused and feeling like that last "then leave" should be my sign to walk away. Any advice would be so sincerely appreciated. Thanks for reading<3.
:::::TLDR:::::
My BF yelled at me he was breaking up with me and then said he didn't mean it after following me to my car. I was so hurt that being close after that felt off, so i suggested that i move out for a while. His response to that was saying if i move out, then he will break up with me fr this time, because he has "self respect".
My whole need for moving out is bc i want to heal from the hurt that breaking up is even in the air. I have never said i wanted to break up with him, even when things have been really hurtful throughout our entire relationship. I can't handle being given an "if, then" statement and feel like i won't be able to heal knowing he still thinks about breaking up with me. Any advice is sincerely appreciated, thanks<3.