My girlfriend \[25f\] and I \[27m\] have been dating for almost 3 years. We live about 1 hour away from each other currently. I drive to her place every 2 weekends and we spend time together. Outside of that we watch shows online together once a week. I’d kinda like to spend more time together, but she’s always busy and this amount of time together is enough for me, just on the low end of enough which makes that time really important to me.
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She’s started playing games (an MMO) during our once a week show watching which kinda bothers me because it feels to me like she’s only half spending that time with me and half playing games. She says she can do both just fine and follows the plot of the shows and I believe her. But it still kinda bothers me because her attention is going back and forth between her game and me/what we’re watching.
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This past week while we were watching a show that she was screen sharing to me she switched to a tab with a spreadsheet for info about her game for like 10 seconds while the show was still playing the background. This bothered me a lot so I decided to talk to her about it.
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I asked her if she enjoys watching stuff with me and she said yeah. I told her when she plays games while we watch it bothers me. She said that she needs to be playing games while we watch things or she’ll fall asleep and she doesn’t want to do that. I asked if she’s getting enough sleep and she said she never gets enough sleep. She said there’s nothing she can do about how her multitasking bothers me and that I have to work on it myself.
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To me it doesn’t seem like a big ask when I want her to put her game down, but at the same time I don’t think her falling asleep would be a big improvement. I’m not really sure how to proceed or if I’m underestimating how big of an ask it is for her to put down her game. Thanks for reading.
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tl;dr: Girlfriend wants to play games while we watch things together. This bothers me, but she says if she isn’t playing games she’ll fall asleep.
19 comments
When you’re together in person does it bother you if she’s on her phone etc..? As a person w really bad ADHD I definitely understand her – sometimes it’s easier to focus when you’re focusing on multiple things rather than just one.
If you’ve been dating for 3 years and want to spend more time together is there an opportunity for you guys to move closer to each other or live together? Then even if you both are busy you get to spend time together either way.
Overall though it sounds like you really appreciate quality time, and maybe should see if you can work out seeing each other a little more
Sounds like ADHD. I have to have something to do while watching TV myself or I get bored and antsy.
She could try something else besides an MMO though like a mobile game.
You could try to redirect her behavior and get her a switch or something similar so she’s not messing with your screen and preventing you from seeing the show.
If she’s adamantly against that sit may be MMO addiction.
If she knows what’s going on in the show and is engaging with you as well, you’ve got nothing to complain about IMO.
People are just different. My spouse can walk through the room and effortlessly absorb a show like it’s a scent in the air she just breathed in. She will often read a book on her Kindle while we’re watching something together.
I personally don’t like to just sit and watch. It feels like a waste of time so I often knit while I watch. It doesn’t distract me. It actually helps me sit still, keep my concentration and be patient. And eventually I get a pair or socks or a sweater out of screen time.
Just to clarify, I’ve got a couple decades on you so I don’t know what an MMO is, but if this is a game where she’s playing live with another person during her time with you, that’s rude and a hard no.
This kinda stuff drives me a little nuts too, can’t pretend that I can even rationalize it (if they’re following along why should I really care? It’s not like we’re having a conversation, I’m also ‘just watching’ a show? etc). It’s just a bugaboo.
What works for me is a trick of changing my mindset, like pretending I’m watching a show and another person is just gonna be hanging with me. Then it feels like it’s all upside when they actually follow along and we can chat about the show after, but not disappointing that it doesn’t seem like they’re paying attention. I’d try that
I am like her. I took up crochet and jigsaw puzzles to do while watching shows. I cannot just sit still and watch a movie.
I was thinking adhd too. Something called ‘parallel play’ 😊
Something that hasn’t come up, though everyone has pretty well covered the “some people focus differently” angle pretty well, is that a tv show is *not you* and watching a show together is not itself a conversation. It cannot bare the depths of your soul, it’s a product of a writer’s room and a studio and a big corporation that just wants lots of eyeballs and lots of ad/streaming revenue.
If your girlfriend doesn’t click with some series 100%, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t click with you.
And it’s just an excuse to be together and a catalyst for conversation, right? If you’re like “I want you to absorb this thing with me as I absorb it at the same time and we will not interrupt each other and by the end we will have connected meaningfully”, that’s missing a whole lot of talking. You might as well do it at separate nights in separate time zones and send each other one-paragraph summary and a thumbs-up/thumbs-down to prove you both watched.
I can be kind of an annoying person to watch TV with because my connecting instinct with my partner is to riff on the show and make dumb jokes that break the dramatic tension and maybe even pause to have a conversation and geek out about something, and I *will* straight-up fall asleep if I have to watch a big shooty military spectacle – and needless to say, my partner and I don’t watch a lot of Serious Television together. We save that for our own time and watch and silly shit like Star Trek together, because it’s a better jumping-off point for having a good fun. Which is a roundabout way to get at… attention isn’t everything?
I cant watch tv without my hands doing something. And I LOVE tv. So I knit or cross stitch. I could never play a game or read or something and watch at the same time, but thats just me.
I have ADHD and I always do something else while watching tv, play games on my phone or colouring in or put pointless plaits in my hair or just anything that keeps me busy really, I 100% wouldn’t remember anything about the show I was watching if I had to just sit and watch because my brain would just go anywhere and everywhere and I would feel very restless, maybe it’s something like that
What is she like in other areas? She sounds immature and disrespectful of your needs and desires. If you’re unhappy, she expects you to adjust to her, rather than her making an effort to change behaviors. This is a red flag and not a quality long term partner. I’m married to someone like this and trust me, it doesn’t get better.
My current and past girlfriend both had to do things while watching TV as they both had ADHD type stuff. It wasn’t noticeable in life, but some people just can’t sit down and watch a whole show.
When I asked my current girlfriend why she was doing it she explained she just couldn’t focus that long and it helped to do other things. Fair enough.
What’s important is that we’re actually sitting down spending time together. If I wanted closer quality time I would be talking to her not watching a screen, so I’m happy if she wants to doodle or do whatever while we’re together
ADHD here, and what worked for me is having a simultaneous attention to the craft of the show – acting/editing/cinematography. I usually only hang with people who also like to talk during shows, so we talk and notice these things as we watch. (Totally understand that drives most people would, so might not be a solution for you.)
I kind of agree with her. The vast majority of TV just plain isn’t interesting enough for me to spend any length of time watching it and doing nothing else. As others have said, try to think of it like the two of you hanging out while you’re watching TV, rather than watching TV being the activity.
also, worth considering that asking her to give her entire attention to the TV is effectively the same as her asking you to fully devote yourself to playing her MMO instead of watching TV. Whatever the reason you don’t want to do that is (I assume there is one or that would be a solution) her reason for not wanting to watch the TV is likely the same
Maybe she doesn’t consider tv time quality time like you do. I don’t really love tv in general, but I’ll watch near my husband kind of passively and play mobile games or go on Reddit. If she played while you were having a discussion, that would be different, but I think there’s no reason for her to have to devote her clearly limited time to an activity she isn’t that invested in. She’s clearly investing enough energy into it to make it something the two of you can discuss.
Why don’t you try playing the game with her? I bet that would be much better quality time.
A lot of people have covered ADHD and multitasking, etc. I have a hard time just sitting to watch a show and I don’t have any attention problems. I just get bored. I’ll read, play a mobile game, etc. My problem with your gf’s behavior isn’t that she’s doing something else while watching with you. It’s what she’s doing.
I get that from your point of view you are trying to spend time together and connect with her. Watching the show together, talking about it during, etc is a way to do that. If she was knitting, playing a mobile game, etc but still talking with you and giving you attention, I would have no problem. However, MMOs take a lot of attention. It’s also interacting with other people whole you’re essentially trying to have a date night. She’s doing the equivalent of inviting her group of friends on your date. For those that have never played an MMO, that is what’s going on here.
I would maybe ask her if she could play or do something else (like knitting or a mobile game, etc.). Something that takes less attention away from you and your time together. Just tell her that right now time together is precious to you and you feel the MMO takes too much away from the time and activity you’re supposed to be doing together. Ask her if she can please choose a less consuming option. That way you get the attention and date night you need, and she gets to split her attention the way she needs.
You should just buy her and urself an xbox and you guys can play together. Sounds like a way better way to engage with someone rather than forcing them to watch a show.
I think it’s disrespectful to how you spend time together.
I have ADHD myself and if I get the urge to do stuff like this and act on it I’m not connected to my partner emotionally and it means I’m giving up on the connection with the other person.
If games become more important, same.
This doesn’t sound promising. Especially if you’re moving in with each other. How is she in other situations where you spend time together? Eating together, shopping together, having conversations, etc.?
I would also feel upset if I was in your shoes. But also don’t forget to have compassion for her: she said she never gets enough sleep. I have struggled deeply with insomnia and know first hand how hard it is to be constantly sleep deprived. Perhaps she needs help
Since 2018 until early 2022 I’ve been playing an MMO on my mobile which used to take too much of my time/ attention daily. I was even allocating a monthly budget for the in-game stuff. Part of me wanted to stop playing because I know it was as an addiction. What made me finally stop was when I realized how much it was affecting my relationship with my wife, with work and how much money I was spending towards it.
If you force your GF to stop playing she will resent you for it. What my wife did was she bought me a Switch on the condition that I quit the MMO which I did and honestly my life is better.