This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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I’m feeling a bit insecure. I had surgery (plastic) after loosing about 60 pounds that I gained during the pandemic due to a chronic illness going unmanaged because the world was in crisis. And I was able to get proper care again once everything settle down.
I got an arm lift, back lift and my breast implants revised. I have scars on my arms and back. But scars on my body usually darken. I love that I’m back to my pre-pandemic body, have my workout schedule on point and engage in physical activities that bring me a lot of joy and a social circuit (burlesque, and looking into Pilates). I don’t know how or when to share this with men I’m dating.
On one hand I’m super proud of myself. On the other I’m embarrassed that my health took a backseat during the pandemic even though it wasn’t because I didn’t seek out care, it was because (again) world in crisis.
Hey, something I never wanted to happen is going on – I’m settling into a new routine as a single person. And my hatred for this life situation is slowly diminishing as I’m growing more happy with my life in general. Which is also a bad thing, in a way, because getting out of my comfort zone is getting harder.
Many of the coupled up people around me appear to be living the same good day on repeat, no new people, no new threats. Argh.
Got Hinge premium recently.
Said I had “ran out of people in my area” after swiping for a day or two.
Literally as soon as premium finished all of a sudden here are these very beautiful and attractive women.
These apps are so frustrating and the gamification due to the monopoly they hold on dating online means they have free rein to be really evil.
But, unfortunately they are a necessary evil for a lot of people. For me, it’s like ultra consent to message someone and all that. I hate the idea of bugging or annoying a lady out and about, and I would say in the UK where I’m based the cold approach just isn’t really a thing.
I’ve joined social clubs and tbh a lot of the time they haven’t worked either, firstly for platonic same sex friends, let alone any sort of budding relationship.
I suppose ultimately I feel like another 30 something person who is a bit lost and completely unsure how I’d ever find a partner.
On the apps, I keep seeing a recurring theme of men posting pictures that vary in date range. By that I mean, it looks like a whole other person and I can’t identify which one is the most recent. I usually swipe left because I don’t have time to be looking through a line up and trying to decipher who is the real (current) McCoy.
Broke up with the gf. Both of us taking it hard, but I think it had to happen.
I’ve written before about some struggles we’ve had, but what pushed it over the edge was her letting me know she’d changed her mind about having kids — while she would like to be a parent, she doesn’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to use a surrogate and adoption doesn’t seem like a practical route unless you’re willing to adopt an older child through the foster system — a heroic choice, but not for me. I’d truly be willing to carry a child myself or to use an artificial womb, but unfortunately those don’t seem to be viable choices yet. I completely understand and respect any woman’s decision to avoid pregnancy — it seems extremely dicey to say the least — but I want to be a parent and I just don’t see that there’s another good option.
So we broke up. She wrote me a note saying that I had made her feel like less than a whole person and less than a woman, and implored me to decide against ever making a woman go through the trauma of pregnancy.
Bioethical debate aside, the last three women I dated before her also told me awful things about how our breakups made them feel:
1. her sister messaged me after I broke up with her to say “she got her spark back with you and now it’s gone again”
2. started depression medication and checked herself into an intensive therapy program after we broke up and told me I was the reason
3. I ran into her recently and she told me it took her a year to start thinking of herself as desirable again
I feel like a horrible person who should never date again because I keep having such a negative impact on truly wonderful people.
At any rate I think it’s time for an extended break from dating. This is (or should be) the last year of my PhD and it’s time to go full monk mode in order to prepare for the job market. There’s also a real possibility I’ll be moving to a different city this time next year, which would make dating for an LTR difficult anyway.
Thanks for the downvotes everyone, means a lot
There are days where I feel cute and days where I just feel gross and ugly and there’s nothing in the middle. I honestly don’t know which one I am.
On days I feel cute, I feel more motivated to go on a date or schedule something. On off days, I feel like I must stay indoors all day. Sigh.
Just bought plane tickets to visit his hometown and meet his family for the first time in November. I’m both very nervous about meeting them and very excited that things are going so well!
Freshly single after 7 years. Hit it off with a girl on FB Dating and after a day of stimulating discussion and seeming chemistry, she stopped responding fairly abruptly. Going on 16 hours now no reply.
I definitely got overinvested at first, and that’s on me. But I am learning to not fight what I can’t control, and those who want to get to know me will make it easy to do so.
Good luck everyone.
I have this guy friend that I’m attracted to and he has said before that he’s attracted to me too. As of this past winter, he “doesn’t want to ruin the friendship” or whatever though so I try not to act on my feelings. So this weekend I’m having a bad time mentally and not sleeping well, and he has said before that I can hang out with him if I need to when I’m struggling. I text him and he takes me out all day to go hiking and eat and watch the sunset and whatnot. Perfect fall day too. We get back to his place and start saying goodbye and he’s hugging me for a long time and sort of rubbing my back a little and I think at one point kissed the top of my head and making that content sighing sound I only associate with people I’m dating. I got kind of nervous because it was unexpected (even though I definitely liked it) and thought “oh this is happening” but then I started saying I just need to get some restful sleep when I get home. He said if I get home and start feeling bad or can’t sleep to come back and we’ll figure something out. I don’t think it all sank in either being sleep deprived but I didn’t go back and now I’m kicking myself. wtf is wrong with me lol
Think of single friends who you believe are a ‘great catch’. They’re attractive enough, not socially awkward, kind and interesting.
Why do you think they’re still single? They may not be aware of their own blind spots but what do you, as an outsider, think is holding them back?
This past week has been really hard.
I posted here last week about how my ex of 6 years (broken up for 1.5 years) called me up to talk about getting back together and basically promised me everything that he withheld in the past, apologized for what he did, and said he knows this is probably too little too late. He said I was his best friend and that he misses having me in his life. We broke up because after 6 years he decided he didn’t want to marry me or have kids with me after all. We talked for almost 2 hours and went over a lot of what happened and what he’d been thinking ever since.
I also stated on the call that I am now seeing someone new and that I had been dating him for several months. We got off the call and I was very shaken, but knew what I had to do. A day or two later, I sent my ex a final message saying that due to our differences I feel strongly that we are incompatible and that this won’t work and then I blocked him on everything. The next day I told me current partner about what happened.
The following day, my ex found one site that I had missed blocking him on and sent me a long, honestly very nice message there thanking me for the happy memories, wishing me the best, and expressing hope that one day we can be friends. He uploaded photos and videos that we shared and I did the same. I have no doubt that I made the right and best decision for me, but this whole process over the past week has made me feel very sad.
I spent these past 1.5 years processing everything and moving forward and I am quite happy with the man I am dating right now. However, I feel like I have come undone a little in these past 6 days since my ex called me. I’m just very sad and I’m crying multiple times a day, just like I was in the early months of our breakup. It isn’t my job to make my ex feel OK about all of this (and the initial breakup was his doing), but I am struggling with strong feelings of sadness and guilt right now. I know that this will pass with time, but I’m a bit emotionally exhausted. I thought I made it to the other side of this last year. I hate that I’m still struggling emotionally after all of this time.
Didn’t mean for this to get so long, but here we go. For those of you who took time after a breakup to make sure you were ready to date again, what did “being ready” look like to you?
My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me at the end of July, so it’s been about a month and a half now. His reasoning is that I didn’t prioritize him. With time and reflection, I DO think there are ways I could have initiated more and communicated better. However, I think that 95% of the breakup was just because we have incompatible lifestyles. He had an extremely lax job, no real hobbies, and a small family. I have a very demanding job with a management position, a high-energy dog breed, 12 people in my family, and hobbies that involve getting out of the house. I let my hobbies fall by the wayside, but tried to find compromises for my time between him, work, my dog, and my family. He didn’t like that. He wanted to be #1 at all times, and I didn’t think that was always reasonable. (Without going into detail — some of his expectations were well beyond absurd.)
While we were dating, I constantly felt wracked by guilt and anxiety. I never felt like I could do enough. I felt like I was being pulled in too many directions and used to fantasize about being in a field somewhere with no cell service where no one could talk to me.
I recognize now that I could have communicated better. I also could have set firmer boundaries, like “I can’t leave work and come have lunch with you. My job is too busy. During the work day, I need to just be focused. We can spend time together in the evenings.” Instead, I’d tell him “I’ll try my best” and then work would get busy and I’d be like “Sorry, not today” and his hopes would get crushed. I never should have tried to overextend myself in the first place.
I don’t want to wind up in the same situation in my next relationship. I recognize the things I did wrong, and also the things I can’t take responsibility for. (Mostly, his reaction to yell, demean, and belittle whenever I disappointed him.) Does that acknowledgement mean I’m “ready” to date? Acknowledgment somehow doesn’t feel sufficient. Has anyone else been through a similar situation?
I got some mixed messages after the person I was seeing told me they wanted to stop dating. We had a mature, amicable conversation where he told me he needed to focus his energy on an impending relocation. He said the ball was in my court if I wanted to stay friends, which I did. We agreed I’d text him in October to maybe catch up. I thought it was heavily heavily implied we wouldn’t speak to each other between now and then.
Then, social media happened.
I posted some photos on a Thursday which he messaged me about, saying he was glad to see our memory (it was a stunning sunset I’d taken a photo of on a walk) made an appearance. I was a bit surprised at the message/tone but replied warmly.
Then he posted a story of a bar the next day that I had taken us to – it’s a hidden bar that he didn’t know about prior – and I very nearly took my friends there that same night. I probably shouldn’t have messaged him but I replied to the story asking if it was in fact the bar I thought it was and it was.
Then he messages me late at night on the Saturday inviting me to an event hosted by someone he had met at a party. I said yes because the event host is actually a friend of mutual friends, but then on Sunday he said he was having drunken chats with the host and he’d need to check when the event is. I took this to mean he was both backtracking but also that the invite/messages was a drunken one.
We’ve now stopped interacting, but I’m annoyed that he gave all these mixed messages and I’m annoyed at myself for engaging and even initiating some of my own.
What does ‘not feeling a romantic connection’ actually mean?
The same thing just happened with 2 guys in a row now and I’m struggling to make sense of it. Met them both through friends, went on 4-5 good dates over 3ish weeks where they had seemed pretty keen- we have similar interests and values, physical connection, and mutual friends. They were the ones who pursued me- planned fun dates, had a great rapport in person, and would text a few times a day, all of which I reciprocated. Both of them came on pretty strong physically and seemed attracted to me, and it felt pretty sparky.
And then both times where I think things are going well and it’s starting to develop into something, they just lost interest. Said they didn’t feel like there was the romantic connection they were looking for and didn’t want to waste my time/lead me on by continuing to date. But both said I’m so wonderful etc and insisted they want to continue to hang out as friends (and the first one has followed through on that, the second one is more recent so tbd).
I know none of you can really name this secret missing ingredient from afar (neither could they when I asked) but it is confusing me. Obv we were still getting to know each other and feeling things out, like it didn’t feel like we were immediately soulmates. But it seems like friendship + desire is the basic recipe for wanting to date so idk what was missing other than more time for it to grow. I know it doesn’t always click and maybe there was some secret dealbreaker for them that they won’t share, but having the exact same scenario happen twice in a row is kinda messing with me.
Feeling tired emotionally. Been talking to a guy for 4 months long distance and it’s always been casual. I sensed that he was emotionally unavailable by his lack of curiosity about me, my life, etc, and I went along with it because I wasn’t ready for anything serious and I really liked him. I needed a distraction from my recent breakup and he was that.
Well, I got back from seeing him yesterday and, while my physical needs were met and there was lots of intimacy that I was missing from my life since my last relationship ended earlier this year, I feel disappointed and sad. This is what I wanted and yet I lied to myself again, thinking that I can be OK in a casual relationship without getting attached.
There were expectations on my end that weren’t met. I had hoped that if we spent the weekend together he would open up to me more, ask me more questions about me, and feel like there was a genuine interest there. I got none of that and honestly not sure if it would’ve helped to tell him this and ask why he hasn’t been all that curious, but I wanted it to come naturally from him, not feel like I’m forcing the interest out of him. I’ll always enjoy our banter and how easy it is to make each other laugh, but I want more substance. I can’t feel close to someone who doesn’t care to feel close to me. I want to go deeper. I want the emotional intimacy, not just the physical. Now that the trip is over, I feel like the relationship has naturally ran its course and I will be ending it with him this week. Haven’t decided whether to do it over the phone or through text. I don’t see the point of us continuing to talk if this isn’t going anywhere. Even though I was okay with the arrangement in the beginning stages of this relationship, I’ve now recognized why I don’t do well with casual flings. I always want it to develop into something more serious. I’m taking this as a sign to end things and to fully focus on myself. I need to grieve and heal from this.
Thank you all for helping me walk through this whole situationship I’ve had to process. Y’all were right, for longer than I wanted to see.
The further out I get the more it seems he wasn’t over his ex and too emotionally unavailable to handle it when anything went less than ideally that might lead to a conversation.
It’s a shame but I can do better.
Feeling burned out from OLD!
Had what I thought was a good first date last week, only to get the “don’t see this moving forward romantically” text after.
Damn that rejection hurt. More than it should.
Too many times – either they are into me and it’s not mutual, vice versa, or there is a connection that just turns into a situationship and goes nowhere.
Trying to put myself out there and do more in-person activities versus online – any suggestions what has worked for you?? So far I’ve signed up for tennis round robin events, run club, REI classes, going to a concert solo this weekend (eek)…
Trying to stay hopeful but it’s frustrating.
Every day gets a bit better. I think the fantasy image of him I created in my mind is losing its spark. He’s really just a dude who knows how to talk well but rarely follows through on any of his promises. The “intense” emotional connection between us was mostly my own projection, combined with the sunk cost fallacy that happens when you open your heart to a person. If he really cared, he would’ve been more reliable, taken action, and put in effort instead of all the excuses, lying, and leaving me waiting.
Tonight on ABC News: high_on_hopium sees things for what they are!
He left today ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
The man who has been the biggest green flag for me. Has treated me with so much respect, showers me with affection, listens, talks and cuddles me like I’m going go run away from him in the middle of the night 😂
Has left the country today do go on his travels in a different continent.
When I went out with him initially, I didn’t think we’d make it this far but we spent the weekend tangled in each other and I didn’t want it to end.
I will see him again next year but for now I’m heart broken a little
We went to a movie on Saturday night, and while we were waiting for the concessions person to bring us our Buick-sized tub of popcorn and soda fountain cups, I noticed a promo flyer next to the cash register. It was an advert for Emagine’s showtime schedule of classic movies for the next few months, and the lineup includes Psycho, The Shining, and The Exorcist. Ngl, I spazzed out with excitement and was like, “Omg, we have to go to at least one of these!”
Cut to about four hours later. We got into bed, and he pulled out his phone and said, “I’m going to buy tickets now because I bet they’ll sell out fast, especially The Exorcist since it is showing Halloween week,” and got us seats for all three films. (Note that our agreement in re movie dates is that I get to purchase the concessions.)
He is really excited that we are going to see them – and on a giant screen! – together, and I’m all in my feels about it because like… yeah. That’s all anyone really wants and needs in life, right? To have someone who doesn’t hog the popcorn and is excited to let you cut off the circulation in their hand, arm, or at the knee during the scariest parts of The Shining and The Exorcist.
*sniffle sniffle happy tears sniffle sniffle*
I am in a long distance situation with someone I adore. Our connection, chemistry, career goals are all aligned. It’s like we’re made of the same stuff. But I need clarity
WTF are we and are we really doing this? Where do we meet next? He’s been physically, emotionally and logistically unavailable as he’s in the midst of some super amazing career stuff after 20 years in our impossible industry. I want to know where I/we fit.
How would y’all start the convo? With someone who is basically in the midst of their own epic Barbenheimer?
How do you all move from talking about fun/goofy stuff to talking about sex on early dates with new people? Is it just something you have to feel out? I’m struggling to transition from talking about tv shows to “oh what sort of stuff are you into” 🙂
I’m considering moving to a different city and I’m just so lonely. Online dating isn’t getting me anywhere and the cost of living is crushing me. I’m 35 and I worry I’m broken, I have so much to give but I’m struggling to figure out what I even like anymore because so many of my decisions are just for bare minimum survival.
Have a second date planned for this week! Going to a baseball game with him Friday 🙂
Something I do overthink is how much I should text them throughout the week since we’ve only been on one date. On one hand I want to keep talking him but I also don’t want to come across overbearing or too much
I thought I was doing well with a break up but I cried last night, missing my ex intensely. It’s so hot where I am and my AC cannot handle it. I was just thinking of how he’d have me probably stay with him at his place until this heat wave was done. I miss his cats and their little meows and the way they got so focused on flies that would manage to get in.
I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything. I also missed my first virtual therapy appointment today for oversleeping because is so sleepy from not being able to sleep. They charge$100 for no shows! 😭
Had a bad start today and I have a first date later. I don’t have any expectations. I feel like if this doesn’t go well, I’ll definitely pause on dating in general and just let myself go through this funk. But I also feel like my life is just passing me by, tired of having to go through it and of missing him.
I’m feeling really bummed. I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and trying my best to be patient, because he says he needs to move slowly. We spoke the other day about making plans for this weekend and surprise, surprise, he texts today as if he completely forgot to tell me about plans he made with his friends instead… where I am not included. I understand guy time is important but I go out of my way to make sure he knows what my schedule is looking like (ex. if I have a family event coming up) so we can still find time around it. Meanwhile, he plans with his friends and often forgets promises/plans he made with me. The most egregious was when he celebrated one friend’s birthday for 3 days in a row instead of mine, lol. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds… it’s not like we had concrete plans but he was straight up busy my entire birthday weekend and the week after it.
I don’t expect to be the biggest part of your life after 4 months but my heart hurts. I know that I need to end it but it sucks when things seemed so bright at the beginning. I really care for him and love the time we do have together.
I need to stop talking to this girl, for my mental health. We’ve been dating since June, some time apart with travel but collectively, 10 dates (dinners, bowling, pickleball, nights in, sporting events). Chatted on phone Thu night, suggested we do something Sunday and she said she’d confirm by Saturday. Saturday night, she texts me about my golf tournament earlier in the day, I replied and asked how her day was…no response still, but will reply to my IG story. It’s so up and down and no she never did get back to me about Sunday. I left my Oakleys at her place after our last date…I think I just chalk that up as a loss.
Was listening to a podcast that 100% validated the human need for physical touch, intimacy, being desired and seen etc. and how fundamental and healing (and validating) it can be, and was also simultaneously the most painful thing to listen to knowing I don’t have/have never had that. Now have to try to recover from that and get some work done…
It’s also hard to hear when people casually talk about timelines (e.g., “when we first experience this as teenagers”) and it just ends up being a reminder of how, again, “not me.” I’m just trying to listen to a podcast on my morning commute and I get hit by all these emotional blows 😭
Yesterday I asked if anyone had any tips for meeting someone in a group workout class.
Does anyone have tips on how to be chattier towards that person in the class?
There is a guy who I’ve chatted with a few times and I think he’s at least attracted. The last class we actually didn’t get a chance to chat, but I noticed he was always nearby to me…I wonder if he’s in his head and nervous.
I think it might be as simple as me saying, “Hi [name]” when he’s close enough, but then I get into MY head and get nervous lol.
A win!!
Meeting the mom went well!! Oh man I was so nervous. But she was really welcoming and we had fun chatting over dinner. It was nice. Could I over analyze it and pick at each sentence – sure. But my boyfriend said it went well and his mom is easy to get along with. What a relief. And he liked his birthday card and little gifts.
Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable women? Stay away from me! Why can people be honest from the jump?
I think someone I know is dropping hints. If I’m right, she’s (understandably) getting frustrated. I’m not opposed to dating her in the slightest: she’s cool, smart, pretty, and easy to talk to. (What she’d see in me I have no idea) Problem is, I was quite wrong the last time I thought this about someone, and it took four months to get over that awkwardness. Now I’m gun shy.
I am seeing the appeal of the openness of OLD for the first time.
The thing stressing me out about this guy I like is that he can be randomly unresponsive. I don’t mind taking the lead in asking him to hang out and stuff, but if I send him a message (even for example a neutral message asking about a logistical thing related to hobby group) and don’t hear back for several days because he’s too busy with ??? life things, I don’t feel like he’s all that interested. I’ve stopped being as anxious about him being unresponsive because at least he’s consistently unresponsive, so I just expect to not hear from him. But it’s hard to convince myself to ask him out or tell him I like him when I’m clearly a very low priority for him at the moment. Maybe that would change if I asked him out and we were actually dating, but I’m not sure, it might also just send a message that I am accepting him with his current state of low communication/availability (which, to be clear, would make me pretty anxious if it stayed this way and we were dating).
It is VERY hard to manage my emotional state when he’s so hard to get hold of but then when I do see him, it’s like the most lovely conversation I’ve had in weeks. Like on the one hand, I want to tell myself “he’s so unavailable and not making time for me – I should just completely forget about him.” But on the other hand I don’t want to lose those moments of feeling connected with him that I don’t have with anyone else.
A couple posts recently on one-message-a-day matches. That’s the norm for women I match with and it doesn’t bother me, but I’m happy to report I had my first ever sub 1 hour match to date planned (preliminary depending on a cold…). Yay! Stuck to my asking them out on my 4th set of outgoing messages rule and it still works without the delays! Fun!
I met this absolutely wonderful, sweet, and caring guy in January. He is madly in love with me. He’s very invested, wants to have kids, the whole package. But I’m not sure if I’m in love.
He is emotionally intelligent, never hesitating to express his emotions and needs, and always meeting mine. He is extremely supportive. He is very loyal, with a strong moral compass, and is actively involved in politics, working to make things better.
However, he can be quite socially awkward around others. I even hesitate to introduce him to some of my friends because of it. He often doesn’t get my jokes, and I miss that conversational flow I had with most of my previous partners. We do laugh together at times, but I don’t find him very funny. He’s currently unemployed and also needs a new place to live, as his rental agreement is ending soon.
I don’t feel excited when I imagine us traveling together, or even doing activities. I feel most comfy when we’re at home, making dinner, cuddling up. It’s so nice to share everyday life, but is that enough? We spent A LOT of time together since we met, most nights every single week.
Our sex life is amazing, which is a big deal to me because I’ve struggled with attraction in past relationships.
I’m 37(F) and have a history of breaking up after 6-12 months, multiple times. I don’t want to repeat old patterns. But if I don’t feel excited about the idea of traveling or do things with him, maybe he isn’t the right guy for me after all?
Sigh…