Title pretty much covers it.. it came out during a fight but we discussed it in great length after the fact and curious what other people would think of something like this.
Some context –
I am 37. He is 32. When we first started dating 7 years ago now (we've been married for 2) he told me he kept in contact with an ex. I don't remember exactly what was said but I was upset to learn this because he had been somewhat dishonest about another matter around the same time so it bothered me probably more than it should have. I do remember presenting him with the ole 'well would it bother you if I still talked to my ex?' And when he said 'yes', I was like 'well there's your answer' and it seemed he understood. I think he stopped messaging her for a while after this but then I think she reached out to him again a few months later and he told me about it. I was like 'if you are with me and I've established that this bothers me (not to mention the whole double standard shit) you gotta make a choice and if you want to be with me, this has to stop. He agreed and blocked her. I consider this matter ended.
His ex became a touchy subject for other reasons as well as she was pretty much his only ever girlfriend and he compared me to her a lot when we first started dating and it was very difficult for me to feel inferior to this woman… or their relationship. I don't think anyone would like this but the nature of their relationship made it worse somehow.
Their relationship, based on what he's told me, was incredibly toxic. She had bipolar disorder and seemed a bit 'obsessed' with him and not in the good way. She would text him in the middle of the night because of such and such drama and would demand to see him unexpectedly because she was having a mental breakdown and her mother would get involved as well and call him too and they would both guilt him into seeing her. Like wtf! She would 'hurt' herself on purpose to manipulate him, cutting herself and what have you.. she even tried lighting herself (or a part of herself) on fire in a restaurant bathroom..like wtf x2. My husband told me that he wasn't happy and wanted to leave but was afraid she would kill herself because im sure thats what she told him she would do. He finally found his voice though and left her and took space because she wouldn't let him go. I am not sure how much time passed, but eventually they were able to talk and just be friends according to him. The gap between her and me was well over a year.. again I am not sure but it's not like he rushed between relationships.
After almost 7 years, he's been harboring some kind of regret and guilt over cutting her out of his life because of me and my insecurities (his words). He even started to cry a bit when he talked about her and he regrets how he left her too. He doesn't regret leaving her.. just 'how'. This was all very frustrating to me because I thought the matter was resolved and as an outsider looking in (and someone who had an abusive partner before him) I just couldnt really understand what the fuss over her was all about! She is very pretty but she also did terrible things so i dont really get why he cant let her go. He says he doesnt want to get back with her, he doesnt even want to talk to her now, he just regrets that he cut her out of his life.
I wanted to understand where all of this was coming from and he told me that while looking for vacation photos from a family trip a few years ago, he found some videos of from when he and his ex went to Cuba (i should mention he keeps every photo/video he has ever taken). He told me about this trip and he said that it was a very bad one and they fought constantly. Well he watched the videos and I guess he felt like his memory was wrong because she didnt seem as bad as he remembered and he looked like the one causing the problems. This made him really introspective, more than usual because we are in marriage counseling and i guess he is seeing things differently now (more patience and understanding type vibe) and he started to go down a rabbit hole. She ALSO just happens to work for a vendor that the company he works for buys stuff from sometimes.. she's like an influencer for them or whatever and he admitted he went looking for more information and found her instagram page. I personally think he's been looking more into it than he cares to admit to and for longer as well.
I wanted to see her page too because i am an idiot and it became clear that her looking good was definitely a factor in all this. At least it feels that way to me.. I feel pretty low because of all this but my husband said he's gonna talk to a therapist and flush out these feelings of regret because it isn't just her, it's also him feeling like his life hasn't worked out the way he wanted or something to that effect, he lost his spark and regrets not having more friends or more going on in his life and that it directly parallels our marriage because he's missing a friend in me and wants us to have more fun. I can totally get behind some of this as i feel it too and want these things too.. but I guess for me, I didn't have to think about an ex to want these things..
I cant seem to reconcile his feelings.. I just don't get the appeal or how someone that did those things could be on your mind in a favorable way after all this time. I was in an abusive relationship too around the same rime he was dating her so its not like im ignorant or something. I think about my exes from time to time but I have never wished i still talked to the abusive one.. Apparently when they broke up, she became really nice and i guess he liked having a female friend in that way.. but my abusive ex tried the same shit so all I see is someone toxic trying to wiggle their way back in and he is not dismissive of this, he agrees its probably for the best he stopped talking to her.. he just.. regrets it.
I am probably missing some details but that about covers it, from my perspective.
This all breaks my heart because my husband is a sweet man and I know his heart is in the right place and it kills me that this woman still has even the slightest hold over him.. it honestly feels like he can't help it and he did tell me that he doesn't like these feelings he is having and does not want them to be there.
This is becoming kind of a rant at this point.. but I am also just curious how you would feel to learn this about your husband/wife/partner? Aside from additional therapy/counseling.. how would you handle this? What would you do?
Sorry for the length and any typos.
Thanks everyone!