Hi everyone – I’m not sure if there is a clear point for this post, but I’m not looking for comfort from what happened, I think I just want some feedback on whether my current status is normal.
My wife left me a year and a half ago – it was unexpected for me, and it threw me off completely. I’ve felt guilt over what happened, though my therapist has noted several times that even if I had done everything right, the outcome would have likely been the same. She somewhat re-discovered herself, fell out of love with me, and realized her concept of happiness didn’t align with mine – she went towards a more hedonistic and polyamorous lifestyle. We had been in a relationship for just over 5.5 years, and married for just 1.5 of those. We had to live together for 6 months after that, and during that time I was confronted with her moving on to the next thing, including with her telling me how she was much happier now than she had ever been, noting that one day I’d be happier too. That really wrecked me – I felt so much guilt because in my mind it began to sound like I had kept her away from that happiness, that our relationship was hurting her somehow, that I was to blame for everything. I got called out for being lazy, for not hitting the goals we had as a couple in due time (have kids, move out of where we were, etc). I later learned that I was already mildly depressed due to my job and work environment, so the procrastinating pattern that gave me so much grief, was indeed a symptom of something more complicated than it seemed. But this breakup pushed me over the edge into a major depression, and I’m still dealing with that.
I’ve kept contact with her only for the strictly necessary, my replies are always short and to the point. But I think about her every single day. I am so tired of that. It’s like there isn’t a day of complete silence. I even think about her when I’m with friends, doing things with them or talking about other things entirely. Occasionally, it brings me to the brink of tears, but now I’m able to reel myself back in and stop me from crying. This morning, I woke up thinking about our fights post-breakup, and how I used my words to try to hurt her the same way I felt her hurting me. I once again felt guilt and grief. I burst out crying, and once again reeled myself back in, got up and went about my day. Is it weird that this reaction of mine scares me? This sudden switch from deeply depressed to “okay” afterwards makes me wonder if this is me getting over it, or me repressing it.
I want to rebuild, to move on. But the other part of me is convinced I lost the person that I loved like I’ll never love anyone else, and I live with the fear that I will grab on to that belief and never let go. I don’t want to live a life where I don’t set out to discover something new because I’m in this constant, romanticizing nostalgic haze. My therapist told me it’s already a good thing that I am aware of this, but I honestly feel hopeless to stop it.
Has anyone been through something similar? Is it expected that I would be this way, or do you think my concerns are justified?
Thank you for reading!
Edit: Thank you all for the replies – I'm having trouble keeping up with them! Just wanted to clarify a few things that seem to be resulting in some confusion:
1. I am already seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I am medicated.
2. "Strictly necessary" contact means we only exchange text messages if we have to due to the legal bindings of marriage. It's not like we're keeping each other up to date on whatever either of us is doing, and our socials aren't connected.
3. I have been keeping physically active and I am working on creative hobbies.
23 comments
It’s gonna take years and even then it’s not going to go away. Your life is an assemblage of lived experiences, you have some control over what you choose to prioritize in your life going forward, whatever distractions you can muster, but whatever your past is will always be your past and your duty is to identify some method of living that is most well aligned with what you want out of life going forward.
Best way over one woman is on top of another. Go back and ride that horse and find someone you can be happy with. This is what happened to me, and now I don’t even think about my ex or her happiness anymore.
As with anything, the only way to move past something is to move on and stop dwelling on it. Way easier said than done when you’re in the murky shit of depression, I know, but it’s the truth.
The depressive fog is clouding your mind and making you ruminate. Your therapist is right, if she wanted to be polyamorous, that was likely something that’s been a long time coming. Not everyone is built for monogamy, it’s a shame that you had to be there when she figured it out. Love doesn’t change the core parts of us without our own investment in believing something’s wrong with our perspective, which is why she couldn’t stay. You might have helped her come to the realization faster by not being a solid partner, but you didn’t change the outcome, only maybe the timeline in which it occured.
Focus in on yourself and what you need, you’re not in a place to consider your next relationship yet while you’re hung up on her. Utilize that regret to make yourself into a better man. Learn better communication patterns, like walking away before things get heated and coming back later. Find better procrastination busting habits by root causing what caused you to be avoidant of the tasks you needed to do. Work on getting yourself out of a depressive funk and refining the man you want to be, not just the person you used to be when you had crutches available to pick up your slack.
After a string of good boyfriends before I met my husband who were only incompatible because of life path issues, I don’t believe in there being only one person you could love the rest of your life, I believe whole heatedly the grass is greenest where it’s watered. Work on filling your own cup so you have the water you need to help water the grass in your next relationship.
1. It will take many years, and you’ll laugh about how much you didn’t think you’d get there.
2. Cut off all contact.
3. Get hobbies and goals. Make a list and stick to them.
4. Build and maintain a healthy lifestyle, a good friend and family circle.
5. Speak to your therapist more often if you can.
6. Focus on yourself, make a list of what you want in your life now.
7. Understand that throughout mankind, someone else has felt this way as well and gotten through it.
Same. The worst part is now around 5 years later I’ve still not separated that relationship/marriage from the reality of relationships in general, or maybe my feelings are right and all relationships are doomed. We had 17 years of marriage a 20 year relationship and it all ended when I went back to school and I got very anxious and depressed working full time and doing school again like 15 years after undergrad. Many years of perfectly fine mental health when she was getting her two masters, but when it was my turn for all the stress it turned her right the heck off. I no longer trust intimate relationships. I’m not depressed or anxious anymore. I’m over her and I’m done putting my heart in other peoples hands to break. I’ve tried a few relationships since then and am still friends with the people I dated but found very quickly that the people I was dating were not trustworthy enough to borrow a peace of my heart. I have plenty of friends to do stuff with and am happier than I have been in years. To be clear, it is not that women suck, I’m pan and I think men and women rock. It’s just that people in general suck at relationships nowadays. Anyway I probably have a jaded attitude towards love now, but I’m no longer crying over the past. The damage is done, but I’m sure if you stick with therapy you will be able to find some kind of happiness again.
I haven’t personally but I have know quite a few people who divorced in their 30s and they all- particularly the men- describe what you described. One guy told me the mood swings- like what you described with waking up, bursting into tears, then going about your day- sounds exactly like what he was going through.
I don’t know how helpful it is, but it sounds normal if awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I’ve been seprated/divorced for a bit over 2 years now. I’m just finally getting over my ex-wife.
When I married her, it was for thick and thin, til death do us part, no matter what.
I had been supportive to her, helped her grow her business and came up with money to do all the things we wanted to do, since I’ve been saving since I was 23.
Then I fell on a hard time and she completely abandoned me and let me down and left. I had thought that, all the years of me supporting her, she would really be there for me if I ever needed it. Boy was I wrong (and realize how stupid I was).
She’s not a terrible person, just a bit selfish and keeps her life overtaxed in all directions, so there is no room for anyone to have needs outside of her.
Now, a few years later, I can look back and see other problems and realize that, for all the good things, I don’t know if we were a good match at the end of the day.
Here’s what I did to get better
– Started going to therapy, took a few tries to find someone I really clicked with.
– Took 18 months off of dating and just focused on myself.
– Renovated my house (learned from scratch, never renovated anything before and have never been handy. Just started with one thing at a time and used youtube). Took a long time but I was really impressed with my work. I sold the house and paid off most of my debt (which, was from her business failing during COVID).
– Quit drinking and joined AA. I found an AA group with a lot of great people. I got a sponsor and did the steps and it really changed my perspective on life. I made a bunch of new friends. I still meet with a group of 8 guys for coffee every morning. I feel supported for the first time in my life.
– Spent more time with my parents to build a better relationship with them.
– Started trying new things. I was always afraid of failing and putting myself ‘out there’. I bought a drum kit and took drumming lessons and I’m having a lot of fun. I bought a paddleboard for the lake by my house and take my dogs out on rides, all the time.
– Turned off the TV and started reading. I’m on track to read about 100 books this year, which is crazy as I haven’t read 1 book in years. I sit down in the evening, get cozy and read, it’s nice.
– Went back to the gym and got in great shape. I also got on TRT and feel like I have more energy.
– When it was time, I started dating again. I met some great women and I’m currently dating someone and the sex is the best I have ever had in my life. We literally rented a hotel room where I pretended to be her boss and the only way she would get the big promotion is if she showed up to the hotel wearing bunny ears, high socks and black underwear. This girl is blowing my mind and I never would have had this experience if I stayed married.
Those are just some of the things I did. There is a time for wallowing and being sad, I slept on the couch for a full year after my divorce, with the TV on, as it was too hard to sleep in bed. You just have to start making changes.
For what it’s worth, I can’t believe your wife was out dating while you were living together still and rubbing it in your face, even if it wasn’t intentional. What a terrible thing to do to someone you claim to love.
When you feel grief, feel it. Don’t believe the voice that says there’s anything to be “done” about it. Feel the feelings, let the thoughts around the feelings go. They come up, let them go again. It’s done and over, and the future is up to what you decide to do with your pain.
Think of your emotional wound as a physical one – your job is survival. If you feel pain, tend to your wound, but don’t remain sitting there staring at it, hoping it gets better through thought, or by picking at it. Don’t ignore its care, but don’t dwell on it either. Do what you have to do to survive physically, mentally, emotionally. Think of yourself as a child you’re raising – give yourself what you need and reassure, but don’t coddle or spoil or allow yourself the indulgence of self destruction. Once you’ve learned, guilt is a useless emotion. Feel it but don’t believe it. Let yourself heal by letting go. Life will begin happening again with each step you take in that direction.
It’s gonna hurt for awhile, that’s ok. Keep living.
It’s not going to go away, but you will be able to handle it 100% and let it not interfere with your future life and future happiness but only so long as you allow yourself to be happy. For me, I found myself having good moments but then immediately felt “guilty” which caused me to continue to dwell on things for years. Allow yourself to have those happy moments. Personally, I think a year and a half is enough time to reflect on the relationship and what happened, your shortcomings, things like that, but at this point forgive yourself and your ex and move on.
Hey I’m in a similar boat. Together since age 16, married at age 27, and now divorcing.
It’s crushing. Awful. It’s mind bendingly hard.
I’m working on being still. Being alone. Not having anyone to send funny things to or updates about my day is really hard. I miss just being with her.
But I’m being cliche and putting all my effort into myself. I wasn’t a bad partner; I was honestly pretty great. And now? Ima be even more great. Gonna get jacked and healthier than ever.
Right the hurting energy inside me with healthy physical movement and food. And over time, I know it’ll slowly get better.
And like other comments here have said, another woman will be the ultimate help. But you can’t rush that (or at least that’s what I tell myself). I tried going to a bar this weekend to see how I’d “fare”, and I left after 10 minutes and cried my way back home .
Felt just awful. But life is hard as fuck. We have to soldier on.
The strongest swords are forged in the hottest of fires.
I know this sucks. I am in the same awful place with you. I hate it. It’s fucking worse than cancer (I’ve had that at age 16); it’s worse than drug addiction (been there, too).
But we gotta stay strong and be sturdy .
I lost 2 months of my life to depression and grew a really awesome divorce/depression beard. Didnt leave my house at all and dove into work.
Divorce is the same as death IMO and follows the same grieving steps.
Couple of things.
You’re feelings of loss and longing are completely normal, it sucks to lose someone that you once had happiness with. That part is going to take time to process similar to losing a love one due to illness or accidents.
The part you need to focus on is your guilt. Just like you made the decision to be with her, she made a decision to be with you. You didn’t take time away from her, she chose to spend time with you. Ultimately you guys weren’t meant to be but you should look at the great times you had with her, and the lessons you’ve learned along the way.
You’re not responsible for her happiness from this point, only yours. Take care of yourself OP.
This is actually pretty common. Many couples I know are moving in different directions these days. You can’t control what another person does or feels but only what you do and how you react to it. Read about stoicism.
Now is the time to define your next chapter in life. Are you going to let it be one of struggle or being lost. Or is this your comeback era which will make her question why she ever left you and will leave you with other dating and marriage options in life.
If there’s one thing for sure is that life is tough no matter what you do. We can choose to let it push us down or we can get up off the ground and create a new path that we and others will be proud of. It’s your choice.
I’m sorry you gone through this. My ex that I dated from 2010 till 2013, switched up on me and left me, it took me 2 years to fully heal from that relationship. I went on a few dates during the healing process. When a person leaves you it hurts, I want you to know it’s not your loss is more their loss. She clearly wasn’t sure of her feelings towards you, granted no relationship is perfect, from the looks of it she didn’t want to put in the work and effort. She might be living her best life now, but I guarantee that happiness she has gonna crash down.
I suggest you see a therapist, hit the gym, if you got hobbies, take the time out to master your craft on those hobbies. I also recommend traveling when you have free time even if is a weekend getaway. Healing is gonna take time, you just have to trust the process
> she went towards a more hedonistic and polyamorous lifestyle.
Marrying a closeted slut will always bring heartache. It’s not your fault she wants multiple men, and women. You didn’t “keep her from that,” she lied to you and herself about what she really wanted.
My first question is how old are you? Or the other person? And my second one is, how often in your relationship did you feel love or care from the other person? Did they try and make you happy, do things for you, think of you often? Was it a 50/50 relationship, or were you working overtime to make someone happy that just isn’t? It seems like this person is a mind changing, sporadic, person who is always looking for the next “new” thing to make them happy and fulfill their lives, yet they can’t see the good things they already had. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years now, 6 of them married. We both agreed very early on in our relationship that we wanted to be together for at LEAST five years before getting married, which was the one thing I never thought anyone else considered but me, until I found him,and we did. I think too often these days, people move in, get married, and start lives together with others way too soon. If you can’t be together for five years, then you definitely won’t be married that long(I know not everyone feels this way and it’s true that you can get married early on, and last, this is just me), but often marriage changes at least one person in the relationship. It seems that you are going through a normal grieving stage, as you lost someone you love dearly, but I’m here to tell you, you need to try and move on. Even if you aren’t looking for another partner, or another relationship, you need to find what makes YOU happy. Also, why are you still communicating with this person? If you have no kids, then bills and other things can be separated, and you both go your separate ways. I have no clue why anyone would keep in touch with the other person, if you don’t need to. They are just keeping you more depressed by continuing to invade your life, after they’ve decided the path without you has made them “much happier” than being with you. Everyone argues in a relationship at some point, to some degree, over something. Don’t relive those, and keep forcing yourself to think “what if” you have made different choices. You made them, and they are done and over. I’m all for cutting ties, and finding what makes you happy. Distraction from this seems like something you may want to do for a while. I hope things get better!❤️
I took a relationship class after mine and the therapist said on average it takes 3-5 years to fully transition.
Also it’s very akin to a death. You’re grieving. It just takes time.
Dude, break-ups of long term relationships are traumatic loss events. You are suffering from PTSD. It will suck for a long time but you are doing everything right and you will be okay.
You need to accept.that.you will be thinking about her for at least 50% of.the time you were together.
Look at it as a massive cruise ship having to change course. It cannot just.do it. It will take time, proportional to the speed/time they were.on that course and how big is the change.
You gotta cut her out of your life completely dude. You won’t recover at all still talking to her.
>I got called out for being lazy, for not hitting the goals we had as a couple in due time (have kids…
>she went towards a more hedonistic and polyamorous lifestyle.
I know it doesn’t feel that way, but you dodged a bullet here. The last thing you want is to be in a situation where you have children and your spouse then decides they want to party and have multiple partners.
There’s a lot of good advice in here, but something seems to be getting danced around is not advice, but a simple fact.
There may have been things you could have done “better” or sooner, but without the kick in the ass you got from this break up, let’s be real, they likely would not have happened. They likely truly weren’t important to you, until you saw how important they were to the person you were with.
Same goes for her. Especially off the simple “polyamorous lifestyle” comment. I have no stake in that lifestyle, but if that was on her “things I want to do” bingo card, then you simply weren’t the right choice for her. (A glaring example of what I’m sure are numerous)
My ex and I were kindred spirits. Thought the same way, prioritized the same way, had the same hobbies and friends, preferred quiet time equally, and it still just didn’t jive. We both ended up with polar opposites to much greater success in our love lives.
It will likely, and unfortunately, take you finding someone else to really drive the final nail in that coffin, but just know it was never you. You were never “not good enough”. You were just a square peg in a round hole, and the subtlety in that simple fit, can be difficult to see until years in, once you’ve both fully become your own people.
This may help or it may not, but I want to share with you my experience with your dilemma. I have had many broken hearts in my dating years. I was never lucky or good with the opposite sex, which is my I think I hold the record for Broken Hearts around the world. On a good note, I learned that AFTER each broken heart, rejection and disappointment, there was alway the next one. One hour, one day, one week, one month or a year later… there has always been a next one AND NONE OF THEM KILLED ME. Not too many experiences down the road, I realized that my broken heart, always disappeared when my focus was on the next person that caught my eye and that same person was the only person that scared me. People are just people, but when your heart wants someone, that is the only someone that scares you. Being insecure and a coward about approaching my new and latest INTEREST, I didn’t have time for a Bleeding Heart or Depression about the last Loss, Disappointment or Rejection. My focus was on HOW TO MEET THIS NEW PERSON and DATE them. Like I said, I was never good or lucky with the opposite sex, so I had many, many, many practices. My self confidence started to build thru conversations with people of both sexes and I’d learn that THEY HAD THE SAME INSECURITIES I DID. My point is, there is no one that you are too good for and no one that is too good for you. We are all just people trying to find a way to fit in and be accepted. Some of us have just got our asses kicked more than you, because we have done more than you, but none of us have physically died. Your Fears, Discouragements, Depression and Hurtful Memories will disappear when you are SCARED, trying to meet the opposite sex or whatever your heart desires. WANNA KNOW A LITTLE SECRET?? My way of Breaking the Ice with people, is to ALWAYS make them Smile and/or Laugh. You do not have to be a comedian, just smile and be pleasant. Pay compliments on something a person is wearing or give recognition for something that impresses you, about them. If you enjoy being around people that make you feel good about yourself, wouldn’t you want to spend more time around them? If you made people feel good around you, DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD BE IN A HURRY TO GET AWAY FROM YOU?? Life and People are FUN and SIMPLE… enjoy as many of them as you can, before your time is up. I’d like to hear from you if this helped, if you don’t mind.