Hi, my partner (25F) and I (30M) are going through are difficult time. In fact, I am not even sure how to describe our current status. We're long-distance. We met a few months before I moved to another country but I do come to visit about every 4 to 6 weeks (and then tend to stay for at least 1 week). One of the biggest challenges in our relationship is probably best illustrated via a current example (because it is fresh in my mind but the circumstances are of course especially difficult):
Recently, her father passed away. He didn't play a role in her life up until a few years ago. Since then they have built a relationship (talking on the phone about once a week, seeing each other for special occasions). He was sick but the death still came as a surprise. When it happened, I was in the country but not in her city. She called me and was of course devastated. Having recently experienced a close friend's father's death, I knew not to try and soothe her but to just give her pain room. And I think I did that. She got mad at me though saying things like: "Why does nobody else feel my despair" and "Don't try to take away my pain" (which I am pretty sure I did not do considering that I spent a lot of team researching how to talk to somebody that is grieving just recently). She seemed to want me to feel the same feelings as herself. I felt and still do feel tremendously sad for her and am pained knowing what she has to go through but I didn't know her father, so I do not know if I could possibly feel the same way as her. Basically the same thing happened again when she called me an hour prior to the funeral (which she said I shouldn't come to because I had already booked a train back to where I live -which I would have been happy to just not take). It basically ended with her saying that "she is so fed up with having to deal with men" and that "they never know how to be empathetic".
Now these circumstances are of course extreme but the underlying issue is one that keeps coming up in our relationship. She is upset about something or angry at somebody, I tell her that it's really understandable and really try to feel her anger too but it never seems to be enough. She tends to criticize me for how I respond in these situations which makes it only harder for me because I am now often afraid that I might "react incorrectly".
Should I be able to mirror her emotions more? Am I not being empathetic enough or is what she expects of me akin to wanting me to have no boundaries?
I am very confused about this issue. At times I think she is right to criticize me, at times I think she expects something of me that isn't healthy. Any thoughts are appreciated!
**TL;DR;**: To be empathetic in a relationship, do I need to mirror my partner's emotions (more) or is that an unhealthy form of not having boundaries, of not being separate people?