Advice questions at the bottom of all this.
As I sit here and think of how to formulate this I'm becoming aware that this whole thing is going to sound like a r/thathappened . Or maybe it won't, and my experience is more common than I'm imagining. This is to the best of my memory 100% true.
Some background about me: I travel for work, and occasionally end up in cities by myself for a day or two. This is enjoyable for me as I love exploring by myself, but I also struggle with anxiety, so I have been trying to do at least one thing that pushes me out of my comfort zone on my travels as a sort of self-administered exposure therapy I suppose.
Last night I was taking a walk around my hotel after getting some food when I came upon a "Gentleman's Club". I had never been in a strip club before, and the idea of going in there alone and uneducated terrified me. Recognizing this discomfort, and also, admittedly, being incredibly horny from a week of travel, I decided to grab some money from an ATM and go in.
Another detail about me, which is going to sound vane but is the honest truth, is that I am very attractive. I could write a book about this aspect of my life and how it has effected me, more negatively than I'd wager many people would guess, but suffice to say that I am good looking enough to have essentially lived my entire life letting women approach and hit on me rather than the opposite. Now, this is important for this story because I strongly believe that it is the reason that I have a fetish for sex workers. Something about the idea of paying a woman to have sex with me has always driven me crazy, though I have only ever fantasized about it. I think it has something to do with the idea that my looks aren't being judged. The person isn't using me for my body or looks, I don't have to live up to some "hot guy bravado" that women seem to want me to have, and there's no chance of unwanted attachment. Admittedly, the idea that women sex workers might be surprised and pleased by my good looks in comparison to their regular clientele also excites me. There's probably something to do with my strictly religious upbringing in there too. I digress.
Here's what happened:
I walked in and for the first 20 minutes thought I was going to have a panic attack. Full on heart pounding, sweating, feeling like I was gonna puke. I had no idea about strip club etiquette, and felt like I was sticking out by sitting by myself at the bar. I figured I would make myself sit there for 20 more minutes, tip some more, and then get the fuck out. It was a small place, and I quickly learned that girls would perform for a song, and then take a walk around the room collecting tips, and each time that happened I would fumble over words and act like a nervous wreck. This, combined with the fact that I was a good 15 years younger than anyone else in there and like I said, maybe "too good looking" to be there made the strippers give me curious looks, and I could feel a hesitation from them which only added to my anxiety. This was a non fully nude club, so girls were clad in nipple pasties and thongs.
Finally I got a couple IPAs in me and decided that rather than having a heart attack trying to look like I knew what the fuck I was doing there, that I would just be honest with the next girl that came around and tell her that it was my first time, and I had no idea what I was doing. The girl I spoke to was young too, only 21 I found out, and genuinely sweet. We'll call her Ava. She gave me the rundown on how it all worked there and told me to relax, and it really helped me calm down. Then she went and sat at a table with a big man in an – honest to god – pink (he would later insist it was 'coral') three piece suit who was sitting with maybe 4 other girls. Like out of a fucking movie.
I watched as he whispered something in her ear and looked my direction. Then she did the same. I quickly looked away, but suddenly heard him yell "Hey you! Get over here!", and just like that all my anxiety was back. Thinking (ridiculously in hindsight) that I had maybe flirted with some pimp's favorite girl and was about to get kicked out, or worse. I walked over and he met my eyes, saying "is this your first time in a strip club?". Nervously I replied that, yes, it was. Then, shockingly, he said "sit down" and asked a waitress to grab me another drink.
I came to find out that, yes indeed, I had been acting like a complete noob, and that my good looks and my age combined with the fact that I had been switching between nervous fidgeting and unblinkingly staring at the women dancing made Pink Suit think I may have been a seriel killer. Great. But after he mentioned this to Ava she had rose to my defense saying that it was my first time and that I was actually really sweet. I was correct in assuming that Ava was his favorite, because befriending her turned out to be a complete golden ticket.
Pink Suit first started out by handing me about 50 dollars in ones and told me to go throw it on the girl currently dancing. So some things are like the movies. Fucking check. I think I apologized while I did it.
He kept buying me drinks and we continued talking, all the while Pink Suit had about 10 different girls come over to me to "give me a hug", i.e drape themselves over me, put their legs over mine, grab my thighs. Some of them took the liberty to shove my face in their tits. This guy was spending serious money on me.
The girls seemed excited to talk to me as well, probably first and foremost because I had a direct line to Pink Suit's pocket (don't get me wrong, I think I spent $240 that night as well), but also because I "looked like Austin Butler" and they thought it was cute that it was my first time.
I had great conversations with the girls at the table. It's so cliche to say I "found out they're just people" but it was genuinely eye opening talking to those women. I spoke to a Russian woman about the honest, "say what you mean" social culture of Russia vs American pretty lies. I talked to Ava about the challenges of working as a stripper. I talked to a young skater looking girl about skiing and EDM culture.
Then, Pink Suit tells me to "pick any girl" and he'll get me in a room with them. I was hesitant, mostly because I had genuinely no idea about what went on in those rooms. Did they sit on you? Did they just dance in front of you? Would I feel grossed out and demeaning? Ava informed me that it was completely up to the girl.
Sensing my hesitation, Pink Suit chose for me, picking the skater girl who I talked about music with. If you're still with me, here's where it started getting a little crazy. We go back there, and she tells me that we're just gonna hang out for 10 minutes. She sits on my lap, then promptly gets on her phone. I suddenly felt like a complete fucking loser making this poor uninterested girl sit on my lap, until she asks me for my number and instagram. That doesn't seem normal, right? Then, just like that, she straddles me and starts making out with me, and I mean really getting into it too. Telling me to touch her all over, to bite her. Like, full blown hooking up. A bouncer yells through the curtain that my time is up, then she asks for some of my drink, takes a bump of coke, tells me not to tell anyone about the coke or the kissing, and leaves. What the fuck.
I stumbled out of the room with an unwieldy erection and probably pink as a rose. I felt like chasing her down, but that wasn't real, right? Are all her private dances like that? So I sat back down.
More time passes and I decide its time to go home. Pink Suit has been very generous but the more I look at him, the sadder it makes me. Plus I just watched him grab a stripper by her throat for making a snarky comment. Gross.
But somewhere deep down, I'm completely thrilled. My body is electrified, this whole experience with these girls is completely, deeply, and utterly turning me on. I have just enough money left to pay for my own 10 min dance, so I decide I'm going to do that and then dip. Something about the intimate way that me and skater girl just hooked up made me really not want to go find her and try to pay her for more, I'm not sure how to explain it. So instead I asked an Asian woman who had been hanging around us if she would be down. She replied with "fuck yeah", which I took as a good sign. I learned she was 35, which was incredibly hot to me, but spoke very broken english.
We went to a room and she immediately straddles me and starts putting her tits in my face, telling me to touch her. Then she starts getting like really, really into it. And I am too. Before I know if we're kissing, and she's full on grinding on me, biting my neck and ears, rubbing my dick through my pants. I'm licking her all over and biting her too (a stupid, unsafe thing to do). The bouncer peaks in and yells a warning to her and she gets off, but not before telling me she would actually fuck the shit out of me. She pretends to dance at a distance until the bouncer walks away and then full on pulls her pussy out. Like spread eagle, playing with it. At this point i come to realize that she may be a little drunk, but fuck so was I and also possibly the most turned on i've been in my whole life. She came back over to sit on me and grind and hook up some more, and after the bouncer yells that I'm out of time she reaches in my pants and starts jerking me off. Full on bare peen wrangling. At this point I tell her that I'm only here for the night but that she should come home with me. Again, stupid, but I'm like an animal at that moment. She honestly seemed to considered it before a truly tired look crosses her face and she says that she's drunk and needs to sleep.
And just like that, I'm deeply ashamed. Of everything. For hooking up with skater girl who's obviously got addiction issues. For enjoying the way a woman touched me after Pink Suit essentially assaulted her by grabbing her throat and telling her to go over to me. For asking to fuck this drunk and tired sex worker and meaning it.
I got up, thanked Pink Suit, genuinely thanked Ava, and then walked home.
Today, I don't know what to think. Even now, despite some of my disgust, I still feel that deep attraction to what happened. It's powerful. I want more of all that, and I want it all the time. It scares me. I think about lonely men who marry and need hookers to feel alive. I think about the girls, some younger than me. And the way they all seemed to be drinking or doing drugs just trying to get through the night and make money, just like anyone. I think about Pink Suit's ridiculous pimp masquerade, and the way that girls ever so slightly shied away from his touch, and the deep emptiness in his eyes. "They'll break your heart", he had said to me. I think about the intense Russian stripper who looked at me in what I can only describe as a motherly way and told me not to come back. To not end up like Pink Suit. That these girls "will take all your money".
And I think about how badly I want it again. The attention for my looks. The enthusiasm from the girls. The heart pounding risk and and the dirty, filthy nature of it all. The hookups. It drives me crazy. Sets me on fire. I'm terrified that now that I've walked that path that I won't be able to say no.
So, dear Reddit, if anyone has made it this far, I need some advice. Is it bad that I like it all this much? Is it unhealthy to partake in? Are there more healthy outlets I could explore that could "scratch the itch"? Does anyone have a fascination with sex workers like I do? And finally, is this a relatively normal way for those girls to have acted?
Thank you for reading.