Just sad I guess. We were best friends throughout college, lived together, and have been close since graduating and moving to the same nearby big city. We'd see each other at least 3-5 times a month, go out clubbing, text all the time, etc.
But over the last year she's been slowly drifting away and turning into a different person. Which is totally her prerogative, but I just feel… lame, like I'm not cool enough for her or something. For example:
- She opened up her relationship (of 3 yrs) and is now going on a bunch of dates/getting into situationships with people she meets off apps. Her boyfriend is not doing so well in comparison but is also working so much he has less time for it. Truly, I don't know how healthy this actually is or how happy he is with it, but she tells me it's all good.
- She is similarly making a LOT of new friends by going to local meetup groups posted online
- Moved apartments this year to a spot really close to one of her boyfriend's friend groups (who all share an apartment). She's tried to integrate us with this group before but they straight up don't like me and my bf, which makes me feel just… super uncool, like we're just not putting out the "right" energy for them despite us being nice and friendly. They have an intense vibe. This one girl in particular just radiates mean energy, and anytime we've been alone together she just does these subtle body language/tone of voice things to indicate her personal distaste of me. Anyway, my friend is now walking distance from all these people and is hanging out with them all the time. She showed me a video they all recorded of them doing a TikTok dance, which is something she's never done before or showed interest in, she's always been an artsy and reserved type of girl. But in that video everyone is just having so much fun together. I don't know why she showed me. I felt so left out.
- On that note, she's starting to post funny-but-really-is-a-thirst-trap type content on her close friends story. Like I just watched a video of her shaking her ass on the street while another random girl blows a vape cloud through her legs. I'm not a complete prude here, I've been out clubbing in all sorts of states of undress, it was just shocking to me because she's never done or posted anything like that before. It's close friends story, but y'know.
- We've been seeing each other significantly less, like 1-2x a month, and she's been dodging a lot of my requests to hang out. Especially on a weekend. Then I'll see on her story, or hear from her later, that she was out till 5am with a bunch of names I've simply never heard of before. She tells me every detail of these things she does with other people, which I think is her way of normalizing it so I don't get sad? Like it'd be worse if she hid it from me? So instead I'm having to offer really positive feedback while feeling like shit.
Typing all this up makes me feel sad. It shouldn't. I'm a people-pleaser and she's a narcissist, like actually, so our entire friendship has been lopsided since the beginning, which was 10 years ago. Like, she doesn't know the amount of siblings I have or what any of their names are. She never asks how I'm doing, or how my weekend went, or shows ANY curiosity about my life. But she has info and trauma dumped on me since day one. I know every single thing about her life, her childhood, her memories, her family, and meanwhile it took her about 6 years to commit the name of my hometown to her memory.
I have a bad habit of making friends like this. I know this, it's apparent from my track record. I have very little self worth, so I try not to take up space in conversations, making me a "great listener who gives the best advice." People like her latch onto people like me, because I sit and listen to them for hours and hours and hours. Seriously, in college, I used to stay out till 12-1am in the hopes that she'd be asleep when I got back to our place. If she wasn't, we'd always have a 1-2 hour standing conversation in the living room which consisted of her telling me every detail of her day and asking nothing about mine. She'd hold me hostage. lol.
But it was that very fact, the fact that she chose me and wanted to hang out with me so much, that made me feel validated and good about myself. Even if I got little out of the friendship and would have to perform a lot of emotional labor.
So seeing her drift away over the last year has been unexpectedly tough. I don't feel like I have value as a friend. And I have no close friends other than her. Plenty of other friends I've picked up throughout school and life, but the thought that I have to work 10x harder to fully develop those relationships now in my later adulthood… I just feel exhausted. And sad. And rejected. And uncool.
And no, it's not possible to talk to her about any of this because we literally never have talked about anything serious or had a real argument before. I am conflict-averse and so is she. I don't even know how I'd approach the topic, or if I'd even want to, because clearly she's doing what she wants to do anyway.
What am I going to do, change her back? She's over me. She's different now.
I just feel like I don't know what to do next and I'm struggling with so many feelings of inadequacy in literally every respect of my life. I hate that this has shattered my confidence but it has. I'd really appreciate some advice or commiseration.
TL;DR: My closest friend has drifted away from me and I don't know how to handle this friend breakup.