Hey lovely people,
I (35M) have been in a long-distance relationship with my (25F) girlfriend for two and a half years, and I’m really struggling with how things have been going. I’m starting to feel undervalued in the relationship, and I’m also beginning to have serious doubts about her sexuality. I could really use some advice.
Throughout our relationship, I’ve always put in a lot of effort to show her how much she means to me. Whenever I’ve seen her, I’ve sacrificed anything else just to be around her. I’ve planned secret picnics, created scrapbooks chronicling our relationship, made a song for her, buy her flowers when she comes back here, and cooked her favorite meals every single time we were together. I’ve supported her through stressful periods, especially during her dissertation, and I’ve always tried to cheer her up with unique dates and thoughtful advice. I’ve even gone the extra mile by studying anatomy and following sexologists to help her with sexual difficulties because she never came to an orgasm by a men with oral sex or penetration, and I’m proud to say that I’ve achieved that multiple times and helped her become more open in bed.
Despite all of this, I feel like I’m constantly the one giving, while she rarely reciprocates. One of the biggest issues I’ve noticed recently is a lack of communication and flirting. In the past, we used to exchange texts throughout the day, whether it was sweet, silly messages or just checking in. I understand that during particularly stressful times, like when she was working on her dissertation, communication could be limited, and I didn’t expect much. But now she has a stable job with minimal hours and plenty of free time, yet we barely talk. Even when I reach out, the conversations feel short and unengaging. There’s no more playful back-and-forth or flirting, which used to be a huge part of our connection. It feels like that spark has faded, and I don’t know why.
In addition to the communication issues, there are small things I do out of care that she seems to brush off. For example, I always walk on the outside of the sidewalk to protect her in case of oncoming traffic. I know it might seem trivial, but to me, it’s a gesture of care. However, she finds it ridiculous. Similarly, when she goes out late, I ask her to text me when she gets home safely—not because I’m controlling, but because I genuinely care about her well-being. She views this as overprotective and something she has to do just for me, which makes me feel like my concerns are dismissed. She is Western European and many women here tend to look to these things as very old school and not relevant to today.
Another thing that’s really hurt me is the lack of interest in my passions. I’m currently developing travel podcasts and documentaries, and I’ve had some incredibly interesting guests and amazing opportunities. Traveling is my absolute passion, and it’s something I’ve been really excited about. However, she never asks about it. Instead, when we talk, she often goes on for 30 or 40 minutes about mundane things like what happened on the bus or at work. Meanwhile, I’ve been planning big expeditions and having exciting moments in my life, but she doesn’t seem to care or ask about them. This has left me feeling like my interests and achievements don’t matter in our relationship, especially since I always make a point to ask about her day and listen attentively when she talks but when I have important things happening I’d expect her to ask about them first.
On top of all this, I’ve started having doubts about her sexuality. She exclusively watches lesbian porn, finds flaccid penises repulsive like they aren’t naturally part of our body, and has often mentioned wanting to have an experience with a woman. We even talked about potentially allowing her to explore this, as long as it was a one-time thing and not with someone she knows or continues seeing. I’ve tried to be understanding and supportive, but these things have me questioning if she’s truly straight. We’ve discussed this, and while it would hurt me to lose her, I told her that I want her to be true to herself and not feel confined in a relationship where she doesn’t belong.
At this point, I feel like I’ve put so much into the relationship, but I’m not getting much in return. The lack of communication, affection, and even basic consideration like cooking a meal when I couldn’t has left me feeling emotionally exhausted. I love her, but I’m starting to wonder if we’re really right for each other anymore, or if there’s something deeper going on that neither of us wants to fully confront.
I’d really appreciate any advice or insight you could give. Am I overreacting, or is this relationship on shaky ground? What is your opinion?