Hey everyone I need some advice.
Sorry this is a little long but I don’t want to leave out details.
(Shorten version at end)
So recently due to sad circumstances a former sneaky link and I (F/30) have been talking again. Let’s call him Chris (M/29). Chris is so handsome, ambitious and giving but hes also been a womanizers and his disposition is sometimes unsettling. Chris and I haven’t talked in over a year because of a bad falling out but i have been dealing with him on and off for over 10 , however I’ve known him and his family sense we were kids. So we sorta grew up together. During this last time that we weren’t talking I’d developed a srxual relationship with his brother (let’s call him Quan (M/26). Quan has known about Chris and I. The whole family did. Like said I’ve grown up with them. Quan turned out to be a lot of what I wished Chris had been all these years. I only made these comparisons when I wasn’t around him but when I’m with Quan Chris is the furthest thing from my mind. A few weeks ago Quan l0st his life. I’ve been heavily grieving. Chris and I have really been there for one another during this time. We haven’t been having srx again just yet cause his mind is still not straight but I’ve been with him nearly every day since even if it’s just for an hour or two before or after work. Idk if it’s the grief but Chris has been talking more and more about how he wants us to finally be together (we’ve never been official). I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been thinking about it too lately.
I dreamed of having a family with Chris but we’ve never seemed to be able to get it right. Let me say that we dont have a perfect history and we’ve both cheated on our partners numerous times with each other in the past. Now for once were both finally single. Ofcourse the big problem is now he doesn’t know I was sleeping with Quan up until a week before he passed. I feel so guilty. Yes before you ask I feel like I’ve genuinely loved them both.
TL;DR: was sleeping with sneaky links bro before he passed and he doesn’t know.
Should I tell Chris about Quan and I or let the past be the past?
Should me and Chris even try to pursue a relationship atp?
6 comments
Sounds like trauma bonding. I don’t think you two should date right now.
If you do decide to date then yes, you should tell him.
Also, sounds like your relationship with Chris has always been toxic. That’s not going to change. So dating him sounds like a bad idea all around.
At the moment? No. You’re both grieving, him heavily.
In the long-run, I’d highly suggest you get therapy before attempting it. Your track record is very bad, and habits can be hard to break without outside help.
My real answer is I think you should take some time and find someone new so you can start from a blank slate and not cheat. That would require going no contact with Chris. You’re in a new decade of life now so it’s a good opportunity to try to change your patterns. (I’m only 2 years older than you).
(edit:Also, therapy, obviously.)
But I don’t think you’re going to do that. I *do* think you should come clean about Quan if you want something serious with Chris. Maybe not today but, like, don’t wait a year. There’s not going to be a good time to tell him, he will most likely be upset, you just have to ride through it, even if he stops talking to you for a while. But if you don’t tell him and you try to have a real relationship with him, that secret will eat you up inside until he eventually finds out, probably from some other way.
Consider that you guys have been seeing each other under the table for so long, you might be really disappointed when trying to have a normal relationship, without the excitement of transgression and secrecy. But it might be worth trying, so you can see for yourself if you are not actually compatible with each other as real partners, see for yourself if you end up cheating on each other because you got bored like you did with others. You know the saying, “If they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you”.
It might be worth trying that first. If it doesn’t work out with him, it would give you some closure with Chris so the romance goes away and you don’t go back to cheating on your next partner with him.
Also, you’ll have a harder time dating in your 30s, especially if you don’t commit to changing your patterns. Nobody wants to put up with a serial cheater even if they’ve promised they’ve changed – except for other serial cheaters.
Whichever way you go, make a commitment to start living in honesty and stop hiding and sneaking around. Take every action as if everyone you know would find out. “If you want to get healed, you gotta reveal the truth.”
How would confessing help him? It sounds like it would only ease your guilt and would be a selfish thing or it could be you aren’t strong enough to say no and it would give him reason to break things off for good. Or what do you expect his reaction would be to that news? It feels like you’d be confessing for yourself and not for his benefit.
Grief is hard and confusing, but this doesn’t sound like it would work out long term. On and off relationships are best left off.
I think you should leave Chris alone. You are projecting your wishes onto each man. First Quan, now back to Chris. You are grieving, give yourself time to really get to grips with your feelings and either move to a new man, but if it is Chris, then allow time to heal him and you. Quan is between you both right now, so let Quan have his moment in your heart. Chris isn’t Quan. When you are ready, let it be for the right reasons if you seek each other out, and let there be truth. Anything else would disrespect Quan’s memory.
You’re both awful people.