My bf (23m) and I (23f) have been together for 4 years. At first, I was genuinely happy that he desires me, I did even try to adapt to his fetishes and did my best to provide to him. Now, I hate every single sexual thing that I'm expected to do.
In our 2nd year, he introduced new fantasies and fetishes to our sex life. I was fine with them at first, I just thought "If they make him happy, who am I to judge, and he's your dearest, if he's happy you'll be happy too".
I wish I said no from the start, the things he requested from me, drained the hell out of me. The more I provided, the more he asked for things.
One time, he wanted me to tell him every single sexual experience that I've had before him. The enjoyed it so much during it, but after he finished, he made me cry, he shamed me for every single thing that I've said.
I lost trust in him, I don't trust men anymore because as he said to me before; "every men think the same things as I do, you just happen to learn it from me." I lost my desire to pleasure myself because he somehow manages to make my pleasure about himself. He's incredibly good at sex but I don't even want sex anymore. His sexual actions disgusts me, who masturbates AT LEAST four times a day??? Anytime he asks for something sexual, I start to cry at first, then get emotionless and do whatever he wants.
I don't know what to do anymore. If you have any advice, please tell me.
TL;DR: My boyfriend's libido is too much for me and I can't handle it anymore.
32 comments
>Anytime he asks for something sexual, I start to cry at first, then get emotionless and do whatever he wants.
Leave.
>I don’t know what to do anymore. If you have any advice, please tell me.
Leave.
First of all, not all men are like him. In fact, few men are as disgusting as him.
What you do is leave him, and end the toxic and abusive relationship you are in now. Get therapy if possible, and realize that most men would never dream of treating you like this.
>I don’t know what to do anymore. If you have any advice, please tell me.
Leave him.
That’s it. There is no other solution to this.
> he said to me before; “every men think the same things as I do, you just happen to learn it from me.”
That’s a lie.
Even *before* he got abusive, the two of you had a fundamental sexual incompatibility that meant that there was no healthy, workable path forward for the relationship.
Add to that the abuse and the lies, and you should have walked away long before now.
But since you didn’t, the *next* best time to walk away is: right now.
Leave. You are being abused, and it will *never* get better. He told you that all men are like this because that way you’ll think he’s the best thing you’ll ever find.
He’s wrong, he’s lying; not all (not even *most*) men are like him.
Walk away and never look back.
You SHOULD NOT FEEL LIKE THAT in a relationship. He sounds manipulative and sick.
And for future reference, you shouldn’t feel anything but loved, cherished, respected, and taken care of in a (sexual) relationship.
He obviously has no healthy boundaries, and you shouldn’t be around him.
I think it’s just a matter of time until it escalates to something worse. Stay safe!
Get the fuck out of this relationship. There is absolutely no chance anything good comes from this man.
Leave. Leave. Leave.
And in the future, don’t go along with sexual fantasies/acts just to please your partner.
Break up, BREAK UP!!!
It’s enough reason to break up that you are sexually incompatible, that part is no one’s fault, but the fact that he specifically wanted you to tell him all of your sexual experiences and then shamed you and made you cry about it is bad, and “every man thinks the same things as I do” is untrue and stupid, everyone is unique.
Most abuser will convince you “we are all like this” to keep you in their grasp. My ex had me convinced every man watched porn and constantly fantasized about every woman he found attractive and that I should let him eye fuck every woman he sees in public because it’s “normal”
Leave. In my experience, the more drained/disgusted I felt, the more I pulled away, which in turn resulted in him hounding me even more for certain sexual things, which made me more disgusted, etc. Once you’re disgusted at the thought of sex with your partner the relationship is dead imo.
You’re a fuck toy to him, not a human being. This is narcissistic abuse. Please, for your own well being, run away and block all contact with him. I am so sorry.
He’s creepy. No, most men are not like that. That’s just what he wants you to believe. Please leave him.
> One time, he wanted me to tell him every single sexual experience that I’ve had before him. The enjoyed it so much during it, but after he finished, he made me cry, he shamed me for every single thing that I’ve said.
That has nothing to do with libido or fetishes. That is just abuse. Plenty of people with high libido and lots of fetishes do not do that.
> I lost trust in him, I don’t trust men anymore because as he said to me before; “every men think the same things as I do, you just happen to learn it from me.”
This is not anywhere near correct and it’s another abusive tactic to isolate you. If you think all the other options are bad then he doesn’t have to worry about you wanting to go to another man or even thinking that life could be better. Most men like sex. Most men will have some sort of kinks they’d like to try. Most men will not want those kinks to make their partner sad, uncomfortable or to cry.
> I lost my desire to pleasure myself because he somehow manages to make my pleasure about himself.
If he can’t pleasure you, you are free to not involve him in the process by pleasuring yourself or by finding a partner who cares about you. Why does he get a say? If he makes it about himself, ask him to leave so you can finish.
> He’s incredibly good at sex
How?!?!!?! You said he makes you cry, makes it about himself, makes you not want to pleasure yourself, shames you, etc. That sounds like he is terrible at sex.
> who masturbates AT LEAST four times a day???
While that’s probably on the rare side and might start to interfere with his life balance, hormonal balance, etc., high libido is really the least of your worries. The thing to prioritize when looking for a decent partner isn’t their libido, it’s that they respect you and care for you. Everything you have said indicates that he does not do either of these. In that case, it wouldn’t matter if he masturbated 0 times or 10… it is that he doesn’t respect you or care for you.
> Anytime he asks for something sexual, I start to cry at first, then get emotionless and do whatever he wants.
If he makes you cry, you shouldn’t reward that with “doing whatever he wants”.
If you crying doesn’t cause him to stop everything and make you feel better, he’s not the partner for you. I can’t imagine continuing sex if my partner cried and then turned emotionless.
> I don’t know what to do anymore. If you have any advice, please tell me.
Find one of the many many many partners out there who respects you and prioritizes you feelings. And probably give them a heads up that you were emotionally and sexually abused, so you want to take things slow and carefully. Take some time to make sex about yourself so you can make up for whatever he has done to you here. Go to therapy so you can unpack things.
As we get older we realize how much we betray ourselves for others, and in the end that always builds resentment and will ruin any relationship if its not stopped early enough. One day you will find someone who will never ask you to betray yourself because you will know what would betray youreelf and know how to tell them your clear boundaries. In other words they may ask you for something but you will know how to set boundaries and they will respect them.
You’re in an emotionally, and perhaps sexually, abusive relationship.
And even if you weren’t, I kind of think it’s pretty difficult to recover from being sexually disgusted by your partner. I’m not even sure it is.
While I think it can be healthy to sometimes take part in sexual acts that aren’t your fancy to aid your partner’s experience, you should never feel compelled to engage in sex acts or sexual activities you don’t want to or disgust you. Sex should be as much about your pleasure as it is about your partner’s, and do yourself a favor, don’t compromise that in the future.
This relationship is dead and not worth saving. He’s a worthless and scummy individual, and he’s lying when he says all men think like him. Men that don’t just know better than to engage with your trash boyfriend, but good men do exist and you should not accept anything less from the men in your life, just as you shouldn’t from the women.
The fact that you cared so much about him that you gave every part of yourself to him is proof enough that you’re too good for him. And he pays you back in disparaging remarks and unending demands to you – you gave him your love, and he took advantage of it and gave you nothing in return.
RUN!
Don’t walk away from this disgusting creature! RUN away from him!
Leave and NEVER LOOK BACK. You are you and have your whole life ahead of you TRUST ME.
Break up with him and find someone who treats you with respect, dignity, and compassion
What the fuck get out of that goddamn relationship right now! You are 23 you have the world in front of you do not tie it to this man who is lying to you. Also just work on yourself and be happy with yourself for a minute. Please be in a relationship from 19 to 23 not really a great time to be tied down, you do you learn to experience sex and love for what it is which is amazing and this relationship is anything that
You’re not sexually compatible with him, break up.
Emotional abuse, get out.
This is the easiest fix ever ….
Just bloody leave the creep
Unless, of course, you’re addicted to him and his dick
Just 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️
People change, you do a lot of maturing between 18 and 25, you’re different people who want different things… He just so happened to change to a fucking asshole. Leave.
Jesus dude, I’m so sorry. You gotta bail. This is only going to get worse.
Hi, man here. This post starts out fairly typical and then gets worse… and worse. He wants you to do all these sexual or fetishistic things, then shames YOU for your sexual history? If you shut down or even cry when he tries to get you to do these things, he’s aware of how you feel and that you don’t want to do them, even if you don’t say it. That’s not just having a higher libido than you, that’s not even just pressuring you into sex, that’s abuse.
Not all men are like him. I have not and would never do the things you described and I would hope to God none of my friends would either. I left a relationship a bit ago where my libido was much higher than hers. You know what I never did? Force her to do things she wasn’t comfortable with or ever pressure or keep going after she told me no or, Jesus Christ, started crying! This is not “libido mismatch” this is sexual abuse.
I’m not saying that to be “not all men” or anything. He says all men are like him because you’ll think there’s nothing better than this, so you might as well stay with the devil you know. Sure, there’s plenty of men with issues with porn addiction and toxic concepts of sex, but that’s far from everyone and you need to know that. If you believe him that all men are like this, you’ll stay, and he knows that. Make an exit strategy and get out ASAP.
LEAVE!
Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive towards you and he only cares about himself.
Ask yourself one single question. Do you feel any love, affection & warmth when you’re with him? Answer it truthfully, and if you’re taking a second longer to answer, LEAVE!!
My boyfriend has an insanely high libido. He masturbates that much if not more and we have sex 4-10 times a day, on average…
But he is extremely respectful, kind, thoughtful, and has never made me feel uncomfortable or sexualized in an unwanted way. He makes me feel extremely safe and loved even while having very rough sex.
What you’re describing is so gross, abusive; and disrespectful. It has nothing to do with his libido, he’s just an asshole who is using you. I’m so sorry ❤️🩹
I promise that fulfilling, respectful sex is possible, as much or as little as you desire!
I’m sorry you’re going though this. M25 here. When I was 18 to 20 I had a girlfriend of the same age who had a very high libido to the point it was exhausting physically and mentally, it was abusive and made me very uncomfortable with sex for ages. One time she made me have sex with her whilst I was healing from a circumcision because she couldn’t go a month without sex and pressured me into it. It was either I have sex or she was going to look for someone else.
These people for real are not worth your time. They really are just using you for their pleasure, sex is an act between two people and that should be inbraced. An important part of sex is being comfortable and having genuine and respectable lust for the other person.
Had a one night stand last night after a date (22F). Had a great time with this person, great sex, partly because we were just really into eachother and the date was so good. Honestly the best sex I’ve had in a long time, way better than the awful experiences from my ex. This sex was “vanilla” compared to the stuff I’ve done, but that is still very good and I have found can be more passionate because you’re not distracted by delusion of fantasy or trying to make sex into something instead of actually just having sex if that makes sense.
It can be hard to normalise sex after the experiences that you’ve had. Took me a while too, but I’d say there are deffos people out there that aren’t like your current bf and can provide a real and healthier sex life.
You are in an abusive relationship. There is absolutely no way out of back. Time to leave. He’s gross.
That is not a problem with your boyfriend’s libido. He asked you to tell him you experiences, wich is okay if you wanted to, he enjoys it and then he shames you?!?! He is an asshole. That is abuse. Leave him. Run out of there.
I am sorry you are in that situation.
Leave him. He’s abusive and your about to totally lose yourself. Every minute you stay with him a piece of you dies. Leave!
Your framing of the situation is off. Your boyfriend’s libido is not the issue. His kinks and fantasies are also not the issue. The issue is that he’s an asshole and emotionally abusive.
Masturbating 4 times a day is a lot but whether or not it’s a problem will be based on whether it impacts other things (like school, work, relationships, etc.)
A “hot past” kink is fairly common (getting turned on by hearing about your partner’s past sexual experiences). However, the issue is that he ignores your boundaries and pressures you. He also shamed you afterwards which is incredibly fucked up. So again, the problem is not his libido or sexual preferences, it’s that he’s a terrible partner. You should refocus your attention on that (and dump that MF).