I’m 32F and at this point I genuinely want to see if my small consensus is aligned with the true average or if I’ve just messed with the wrong dudes.
Why do so many guys seem to be more into rough sex and where the hell are they learning it? I don’t understand the appeal. If a girl is flat out all about it then more power to you guys, but I’m not and I run into situations where they try to push it on me.
I don’t understand what is so hot about treating women like objects when they are clearly not into it. I’m tired of being treated like I’m boring and at this point I’m almost self conscious about expressing what I like because of that. I typically do not hook up with people unless there is some form of a connection. I haven’t had to be in love with someone to still have sex that’s more on the intimate passionate side of things because of the general connection made.
The guy I recently saw which I’ll admit was very much more of a casual fling, he pushed my limits. He talked all about consent but then I’d say I don’t like this and that, but then do it again. It might seem like minor things and that’s why I tend to feel stupid about it but I don’t like my hair being pulled like they are trying to rip it out of my skull. I don’t want to be choked at all (grabbing my throat has been fine but not anymore after this guy because he almost choked me the first time, then did it harder a second time after I told him NO).
Because of this guy I want nothing to do with anything along the lines of rough. I don’t know what effect that night had on me but now I can’t shake it and I don’t even like it when guys try to talk about what they’d want to do to me. But again I feel so alienated for not being into that. I had sex the same way for over 5 years with my ex and we had an amazing sex life all because we just had crazy chemistry. All the great sex I’ve ever had didn’t need all this extra shit that kink brings into the picture.
31 comments
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Early 30s.
I default to vanilla/gentle but have tried being rougher when my partner specifically asked me to. I don’t believe in doing anything the other person doesn’t want.
The answer is always porn, most of these guys probably jackoff too much while watching it so the actual act of sex is not as enticing anymore. They need to add ways to make it exciting for them again, sadly most of the porn women are treated that way so they mimic what they see.
I don’t think this has much to do about sex, and everything to do with people not respecting your boundaries. The only responsibility you have there is to yourself: when they push the first time, you cut them loose. Good people don’t push or test boundaries, they respect them.
What is “rough” is always a question. I prefer intimate, but occasionally like the dominant “take what I want” love making as well where I’m moving her where I want her, but what we do in those times is far short of what I’d call “rough.” The occasional spank is as rough as we get.
it really depends on the situation, both can be good
Porn. They are learning it from porn.
Ppl have ideas that rough sex is what girls want from a lifetime of watching porn. It’s not rough sex that they like, it is dominant sex. There’s a diff.
I am 45F. My preference is rougher style sex. I adore the lost of control of my partner because it means I can lose control also. There is no more of a turn on to me than being with someone that it feels like he needs to take me.
I find intimate love making does not allow me to shut off my brain. Which means random thoughts will come in and I will have to concentrate to come back to reality. Worrying about if I paid the phone bill, or what the kid needs for school, or if the kitchen is clean will not result in an easy orgasm and definitely negates the multiples.
I am not into anything that would require a safe word either. I have also never been with anyone that I wasn’t completely comfortable with more than once.
I’ve only started to recently explore it in the last year because so many women request it. It’s like a dance though and you read the signs and adjust accordingly to the partner you’re with, I assumed everyone was that way. I hope you start to express strong boundaries regarding this and don’t allow it to happen again
My first gf was into rough sex (choking, CNC, throating, etc.). I was a virgin before I met her and I mostly just tried to give her what she enjoyed (though apparently I had trouble being rough enough for her). It can be hot, but only if the girl is into it.
My next LTR was with my (now separated) wife. She was as vanilla as could be. I was fine with it.
My current girlfriend is somewhere in between — she doesn’t like to be *hurt*, but she likes to be gently dominated (usually, sometimes we switch it up a bit). I love giving her what she wants and my favorite part of sex is getting her off.
Bottom line is that different people like different things. If you told the dude you didn’t like something and he kept doing that, it’s a huge problem. And if that’s the only kind of sex he’s into, then you’re not compatible. Be upfront about what you are and are not into. Ask questions of potential partners and try to suss out whether they care about your pleasure or just their own.
I’m a 37 year old male and I prefer intimate sex, I always have. But there was a period in my early to mid 20s where having sex semi regularly was a new thing to me and I wanted to try all the stuff I was seeing in porn.
Nearly all of those things would result in the girl I was being like “uhh why do you wanna do that?” But some of these girls were growing up with porn too so some of them were more game to act out the dumb shit we were seeing.
Today I’m married to a woman who has never been interested in porn and it’s certainly changed the way I view sex and porn.
I was raised to believe that watching porn and jerking off was just a part of being a man. Today I see porn as a distraction and a bad influence that only affects my sex life with my wife in negative ways. Not only is sex better when I’m following my impulses and hers as opposed to acting out stuff I’ve seen in pornos, but I’m more present in all aspects of my life as a result. I still backslide sometimes but it’s less of an issue now than it’s ever been.
All that said, if you’re with a guy and he is ignoring what you want or don’t want during sex, that’s a huge problem and you should never settle for it. Yeah porn affected me negatively, but I never did something that I was explicitly told not to do. That’s crazy.
32, female. A lot of people on here saying porn. Men who watch a lot of porn are the worst in bed, I swear. I like rough sex when it’s done correctly- meaning a man who knows what he’s doing (not just jackhammering his dick in and out). Trust is a must for rough sex to be enjoyable. Someone who isn’t respecting your boundaries will make it impossible to relax enough to enjoy the experience.
33 here. Chocolate and vanilla are both nice but always going with one tends to get boring.
But I don’t think that’s what you’re really asking. It seems it has more to do with why guys are not respecting you and/or getting all of their ideas about sex from porn. Can’t be of much help in that department I’m afraid but I think it would be better for you if you just communicate your preference in advance or nip it in the bud as soon as it happens
I think they get it from porn
You’re going to get all kinds of answers, and I’ll say I’m somewhere in the middle.
People have different definitions of rough/intimate.
A lot of men learn their moves from porn, and porn has been batshit crazy with people slapping faces and getting into step-sibling role playing. A lot of the porn industry is propagating sick kinks.
I don’t get my jollies from slapping faces or choking. If I wanted to fight someone, I’d join MMA. If the only way someone can get off is by borderline assaulting someone, something might be wrong with them—regardless of consent.
Anyway, you had a rough experience. Learn from it and establish clear boundaries before sex, and make it abundantly clear you’re serious about those boundaries.
I understand you told him no, and he did things against your will anyway. (He might have even got off on your feedback, and that’s why he kept doing it.) That’s technically assault, but it becomes a he-said/she-said scenario. **Understand that there’s an inherent risk to casual flings. Not everyone has honest intentions, and some people might harm you—whether by assaulting you or even knowingly infecting you—no matter how careful you are.**
I’m not trying to scare you, but I hope I’m sobering you up about reality. If you’re putting yourself in the most vulnerable position, naked in a bedroom with a stranger you met on Tinder, you’re at their mercy.
Answer:porn and desensitization probably.
42 year old here. I like a little bit of both. Most of the sex with my wife is intimate, but we will occasionally have a few glasses of wine and really let our inhibitions go.
31M
I don’t really mind either rough or gentle sex, but I’m more submissive and that sort of dynamic (submissive/dominant), who is in what role, etc. matters way more to me.
Also, whoever you were hooking up with? Yeah, no.
If she says no, and you proceed to continue with the thing, only do it even harder? That makes you, at minimum, edging way tooooo close to rapist in my book.
Unless you’re doing some predetermined and agreed upon role play, you were with a bad partner regardless of roughness or gentleness
That’s a boundary issue and the person you’re with not respecting you or your personal boundaries.
As far as which I prefer, I’m 39 and prefer it to be more passionate than intimate or rough. There’s nothing really wrong with fast hard/rough sex or the more gentle and intimate side with someone you love, but there’s something so much more appealing about passionate sex. It’s that overwhelming desire of wanting the other person and knowing they want you just as bad. It’s more exciting, more intense, more fun, more of a rush, more fulfilling, and because it’s more of that deep attraction to each other it generally lasts a lot longer leaving both of you sweaty and completely spent afterwards.
Intimate (>50, didn’t live in the age of porn on your mobile device, which I think could be relevant)
For me it’s actually the opposite I like it when the woman is rough on me and bends me over
(M 35) It’s strange because my partner of 11 years and I have always had very slow gentle sensual sex for the first 10 years but in the last year, she started asking for me to go harder. I’m not sure where it came from. Also, I’m not the kind of guy who does the jackhammer thing lol. It’s not all the time but occasionally she asks me to really give it to her. We both enjoy it, I’m surprised we even had it in us for that kinda thing.
So I like that our sex is more dynamic now than just a one-note thing. I don’t pull her hair or anything like that, I’m still very respectful and intimate but just kinda going hard when she asks me to or being somewhat dominant. People say consent is hot and that’s the key is that she’s in control and she initiates it. Also, you can have rough sex without treating your partner like a sex doll. Sorry, I’m just rambling now.
I like rough sex (and some of elements of BDSM). However, what you’re describing as rough sex here is just assault. Rough sex is still consensual sex. Anything not consensual is just assault.
If you don’t like the hair pulling or the choking and you’ve told him to stop and he didn’t stop, that’s no longer having rough sex. They get ONE chance to listen. If they don’t, run like your life depends on it. Because it very well may if you stick around long enough with someone like that.
As a 28M, good, intimate missionary beats just about anything else in my book. Prone is great, too, but less conducive to eye contact and boob contact (both of which I’m partial to).
Not to get too in-the-weeds, but as a man I definitely *feel* more sensations where it matters when I go slowly. If I’m trying to last longer, or if my partner just wants it, I do increase tempo and fervor.
The high propensity of roughness you’re talking about almost certainly comes from a mix of porn and social expectations of men (to be strong and gruff and domineering). When you’re looking at porn it’s always “GIANT MAN DESTROYS HER” or whatever. If you want more tender videos, you generally need to seek that out.
I’d venture a guess that cis-het men are more likely to click what is served to them, rather than to search around for their specific thing. Over time, that default becomes a preference.
I’m sorry you’ve had so many negative encounters. I have found that great chemistry and communication is really important even in casual flings. In my mind, I need to have some **serious** trust in my partner in order for me to feel comfortable getting rougher. Specifically for the reasons you call out. Plus, aftercare is vital and you might not be so likely to get that with casual flings.
Rough sex is still CONSENT.
His man doesn’t respect you and quite frankly seems disgusting. I’d rather never have sex again than do things I’m uncomfortable with.
Edit: nothing you described is right. That’s being rough to me and sounds degrading.
> Why do so many guys seem to be more into rough sex and where the hell are they learning it?
Porn, and Porn, probably?
> He talked all about consent but then I’d say I don’t like this and that, but then do it again.
That is an abuser. He was abusing you and I’m very sorry about that.
> It might seem like minor things and that’s why I tend to feel stupid about it but I don’t like my hair being pulled like they are trying to rip it out of my skull. I don’t want to be choked at all (grabbing my throat has been fine but not anymore after this guy because he almost choked me the first time, then did it harder a second time after I told him NO).
These are not minor things. You were legit abused. And I fear that he’s going to do this behavior for the rest of his life. (Because who is going to stop him?) 🙁
> I want nothing to do with anything along the lines of rough.
And that’s ok! Your preferences are your preferences. You don’t “owe” men anything in the bedroom. Sex should be a jolly fun experience for both (or all, if more than 2) parties. And it should have discussion and consent that is actually respected (otherwise it’s not consent at all, it’s abuse).
I’m very sorry OP and I hope that your ex plays in traffic and that you are able to find a man who will respect you and treat you with humanity and empathy.
Sadly some people prioritize their own pleasure over the pleasure of others. They do as they like, and part of that is ignoring their partners wants, needs, and of course limits.
I believe most peoples tastes when it comes to intimacy fluctuate based on mood, stress, relationship status, and other issues. You may want intimate, sensual, slow, gentle sex when you are trying to connect on a deeper level. Some people want rough, aggressive, more primal sex for various reasons.
In the end it should always be consensual, if you are with someone who doesnt respect your boundaries it is best to stop the situation as soon as possible. If someone doesn’t value your boundaries it is unlikely after being confronted about it they will suddenly respect them, they will just find other boundaries to push.
I am 39, i have been with people who like especially rough sex, some that like to fluctuate back and forth between sensual and intimate to rough, and ive been with people who have very specific kinks and likes that would be hard to put in either category.
Communication is important, but if you feel you have communicated well and they still dont respect your decisions then best to cut them loose.
I am reminded of the discussion of people playing hard to get always end up in the worst relationships because if you play hard to get then the only people you will end up with are people who dont respect your boundaries (this doesnt mean i am assuming you play hard to get).
I hope you have better luck with partners in the future.
Rough sex doesn’t mean dehumanizing sex. But what you’re describing is likely something guys have learned from porn.
Personally, what I’m into depends on my mood and my partner’s mood. I like different kinds of sex in different situations, but always with respect for my partner.
I’m 40, so I definitely had access to internet porn in my teens but it wasn’t as prevalent and took a little more effort to get than it does today. Having somewhat less access to it probably helped keep me from being poisoned by porn tropes.
42m. It’s not so much that I don’t like rough sex as it that it just isn’t me. I’m kind of a gentle giant, so I’d have to pretend to be something I’m not and that’s just not my approach to relationships.
36M, I prefer sensual intimate sex. Moving slowly and passionately is so much hotter to me – it really lets us emphasize our connection. As passions rise we can get more intense but no matter how rough it gets, I always make a point to remind my partner that she’s more to me than just a sex object.
After 10 years in a dead/vanilla bedroom, I’ve experimented with a variety of kinks, but to me, nothing’s hotter than consent and enthusiasm.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced that kind of disrespect; being violated in the bedroom can be deeply damaging given how vulnerable it is both physically and emotionally, and you deserve a partner who cherishes that trust.