We’ve been together since high school and living together for a year. After spending nearly 1/4 of my life with him, I’m officially fed the fuck up with this man child.
I do all of the grocery shopping because I can’t trust him to go. We used to alternate but he would either come home missing items or call me 5 times for help. This is after I write a detailed list for him including brands and sometimes color of container. Once he even asked for aisle numbers… like I might as well just fucking go myself.
He can’t remember shit to save his life. Every vacation we’ve ever taken, I’ve had to tell him the dates 3-4 times. He has forgotten to ask off for important events several times. Even dates for his side of the family, I usually have to text his parents and ask. He won’t know.
The issue at hand involves our dog who has a procedure next week. I will be dropping her off at 8am because I work evenings. BF, who works normal hours, has to pick her up between 5-6pm.
I made the appointment in July and casually mentioned it to him. Over the past weeks, we’ve discussed it several times. It’s been on our white board calendar since the beginning of the month. We had a conversation LAST WEEK where he asked where the vet is. I told him the area, nearby landmarks, and even sent him a screenshot of the place on maps.
Today I mentioned it over text, and he asked “what day is it again”. Typing with gritted teeth, I reminded him of the day. Then he asked about what time pickup is and where the vet is located. I snapped.
I told him that it was time to grow up and be an adult. He got defensive and said this is “just how his brain works” (I literally have ADHD so if I can do it then so can he). I brought up using the calendar feature on his phone. He said no, he doesn’t want to. His solution is that I just start telling him things right before they happen because he “won’t remember if it’s two weeks in advance”.
It ended with me saying that this makes me less confident about having children with him. I don’t want to be the one managing all of the doctor’s appointments, play dates, school and sport activities, etc. He basically said I was overeacting and that it doesn’t correlate to being a dad at all (ironic). He also said that this is just how his brain is, and if it’s a dealbreaker I can move out.
I love him so dearly, but fuck… this is exhausting. I’m wondering if there’s any way to work through this, or if I’m gonna be kicking myself in 10 years when I’m a married single mom.
Please please, someone older and wiser than myself, give me some advice.
TL;DR- boyfriend can never remember anything and I have to remind him of important dates several times. He says this is just how he is, I’m begging for hope that it gets better.
Edit: I wrote this post in my car before going into work so I haven’t been able to keep up with all of the responses, but I want to thank everyone that offered such kind words of advice. I don’t have much family nearby so I felt really alone in this. I know now that I have a lot to think about. I will be able to read more and reply to any questions when I get off tonight. Much love 🫶🏼
28 comments
He’s giving you a gift to move on without having to act like his mother. Take it. Find a man who is your partner, not your child.
You’re going to be kicking yourself later when you’re a single married Mom. Take this as a sign and leave. You do not want to be the mother to a grown adult man that you’re supposed to love, he clearly does not love or respect you if this is how he acts. Just be happy you’re finding out now and not after you had a kid.!!
You’re not his mother. I’m sure even she doesn’t want to manage the minutiae of his life
Yes, you will be kicking yourself in 10 years when you’re a married single mom. This is who he is. Find a partner who can actually be a partner. Trust me, it’s so much better.
How does he like….function at work?
I dealt with the same till I finally left. He figured out real quick how to remember things. We also had a daughter by this time.
The advice is that when someone shows you who they are AND then tells you who they are…. Believe them. Not only that, he said he is not going to change.
You will be kicking yourself LONG before 10 years if you stay with him.
He just told you the relationship you thought you had is over and he’s unwilling to work through basically anything.
Basically, he freed you. Free yourself.
Untangle finances, plan your exit, be ready to change your number.
Your boyfriend has mastered the art of weaponized incompetence. Sure, he might be forgetful. But, he also knows you will do everything for him. Do not have kids with this man-child. You’ll just have an extra baby to take care of.
This is called weaponized incompetence, and if you already envision a life as a “married single mom” you might as well end it now.
You can love someone and still not able to live with them.
He’s shown you what he’s like – he’s not going to change. Man-baby isn’t becoming an independent adult anytime soon as he’s had you doing everything. There is not incentive.
You be less stressed and have more free time if you’re living together
lol, you’re gonna be his mom, manager and life coach for the rest of his life.
Find someone who has their shit together.
I use the calendar, notes feature and google maps to keep organized, it’s not that difficult.
No, because he isn’t interested in being an independent adult. He wants you to keep being his parent.
Oh honey, I’m exhausted for you.
When someone tells you who they are – BELIEVE THEM.
Dump him. Just because you have been with him since highschool doesn’t mean you have to be his caretaker for the rest of your life. Staying with a man who refuses to be responsible is self harm. Stop sabotaging your life by staying with a deeply selfish and entitled manchild who treats you like his mommy. Stop harming yourself and dump the user.
I’m going to be blunt- he is correct. He isn’t interested in changing, he doesn’t care what you want, and he’s telling you to move on. PLEASE listen to him. There are so many people who marry someone before they realize they’re a man child. You already know and you’re unhappy now. Get out! Find someone who will give you what you’re looking for. You are young and have plenty of time. Don’t waste another second on this.
I was a married single mom. It was freaking terrible. He was usually laid off for half of the year so he was in charge of the kids. Ha! One time I worked 12 hours only to come home to a kid STILL in the diaper I put her in 13 hours before (I used the last of one design. He didn’t even open a new box). Or I’d come home to find him zonked out on the couch, a fire going in the fireplace with the grate wide open and two toddlers zooming around. It was not worth it. Save yourself the hassle of a divorce
How can he say “that’s just how my brain works” and “I’ll be different as a dad” unless he *can* change it and just chooses not to?
You’re not his servant.
No. You can accept that this is how he is, and respect yourself enough to tell him to kick rocks. And then later, remind him to eat dirt.
Leave. He will not change soon, if ever.
Don’t fall for the ADHD stuff – things like calendars and post-its are tools for people to use if they need and him refusing to do anything other than depend on you like an unpaid personal assistant says a whole lot.
You got all the relevant advice and assurance you need, but I’m just adding as someone “older and wiser”: You are still VERY young and have LOADS of time to find a better **partner** (in all senses of the word).
[FWIW – my kids are in their 20s and never been partnered… so I hope you don’t feel like this manchild is your “only chance” and that “all your friends” are partnered, etc etc. And my first spouse – we met at age 25 and lasted 25 years… and he did a lot of forgetting, dropping the ball and yes, I did have to pretty much sacrifice my career and big chunks of my life to be an occasional married single mom.)
I can tell you from experience that he is never going to change. You won’t be his *partner*, you’ll be his *parent*. Think long and hard if you’re willing to sign up for a lifetime of this,
Knowing what I know now, if I had the chance to go back and change my mind, I might have taken a different road. However, in my case, everything was good for the first couple of decades, but this behavior slowly crept up and I didn’t realize how awful it had become until it was too late.
He’s doing this because he doesn’t care. If he did care, he would put it in the calendar. He would write things down if this is TRULY just a memory issue. It’s just laziness. He’s used to being “mothered” and everything being easy for him. So.. he doesn’t want to change.
You’ve got upset enough times for him to know that it’s an issue for him. He just thinks you’ll keep putting up with it.
Men like this don’t change. Stop wasting your good years on this guy. Move out, let him figure shit out for himself. Find yourself a man that WILL prioritize something when he knows it’s an issue.
This guy isn’t the one.. and for context, I’m 13 years older than you. I’ve seen it all. Lol
>like I might as well just fucking go myself.
I’m sure that was what he was aiming for. Weaponized incompetence.
I, like you, have ADHD, and would imagine he does too, but he’s developed a different coping skill. His is to just let you take care of everything.
Unfortunately I don’t think it will get better.
He’s counting on you not leaving. Just go. You’ll be happier alone, and later when you meet someone you’ll know what’s important to you. You are not stuck in this relationship.
Think about it. You are asking STRANGERS to give you hope that he will change when he himself has told you he will not.
You have a child, not a partner. A child with zero desire to turn into a functional adult, I mean why should he? He’s got his BangMaid to do it all for him! I know it’s 1/4 of your life – imagine when it’s 3/4th and you’ve given everything to him & have nothing for yourself. FREE YOURSELF. It doesn’t have to be like this.
I’m 50, and I have kids your age. If you were my daughter, I’d tell you that I’m coming to help you pack your stuff, and you’re moving out because that man is wasting your present and your future. He wants a mommy. Yuck. Please go.