I (32 F) will be 34.5 weeks pregnant for my SIL's upcoming wedding about 5 hours away in about two weeks. This is my husband (32 M) and I's first baby! We have been married for 3.5 years, together for 6.
For backstory: My inlaws and I do not have a good relationship. I especially do not have a good relationship with my SIL's fiance. Since we got engaged, his mother and the fiance like to get drunk and then just basically nonstop insult me, my family, my education, my interests – anything they can find to mock. It gets so destructive that for the last 4+ years I have not been able to interact with them without having panic attacks. When we saw them last fall, I ended up blowing up at my MIL and begged her to "just stop insulting me to my face – you two can do whatever you want behind my back, just please stop doing it in front of me" to which she responded that my husband is and always will be "her son first", I am "replaceable" and that I am "ruining her perfect family." When I ended up with food poisoning the next day, she demanded my husband not leave the dinner table to check on me puking my guts out so she could "have one nice family meal without [me] ruining it". I have been through therapy, my husband has been through therapy, and we have done couple's counseling. Yet there seems to never be any resolution. His mother's behavior is just "how she is and how she always will be," and he has said absolutely nothing to his sister and her horrible fiance about his behavior. He does recognize that there are major issues here (multiple counselors at this point have said that his mother is emotionally abusive and has way too much control over him and his life), and is committed to "standing up for me and our marriage" to them. We had one joint conversation with his mother about "boundaries" earlier this year, but she refused to listen or respect any of it. At my own baby shower recently, she basically held court as if she was the one having the baby – even saying to my friends that she was "so happy her son was giving her a boy so she [mil] could carry on her family legacy." …
Anyway! My SIL and fiance have been engaged for 2.5 years, and are finally getting married. My husband and I weren't necessarily trying for a baby, but we weren't trying to stop one either – our mentality was always "when it happens it happens" and it happened! However, the timing has been an issue, naturally, with my inlaws family because I am uh, at this point, in the advanced stages of pregnancy. They only discuss our child as it relates to themselves, are certainly not excited for us to be parents, and use the "health interests of our baby" to berate me for continuing to exercise through pregnancy. My MIL discusses this wedding as if it's the royal wedding -In her words – "to miss this would be an unforgivable offense." She recently had a meltdown because my husband's 94 year old grandparents couldn't safely make the trip.
Today we had a doctor's appointment where I was point blank told I absolutely should not go to this wedding. I have been having some preterm labor symptoms that are concerning (though not immediately a problem), and my OB was honestly shocked it was even a discussion. I explained that there was drama, and I outlined the various scenarios I saw as possible outcomes:
If I do go and go into labor, I'm trapped 5 hours from home for the duration of the baby's inevitable NICU stay. The closest NICU from the wedding is 2 hours away, closest hospital is 30 minutes. And let's be real: there will be an enormous meltdown about how I "upstaged" her daughter and the gutter troll's wedding. At this point, the only reason I would go is to support my husband.
If I DON'T go and my husband goes, the inlaws win. This is precisely what they want – to prove to themselves and their friends that my husband will always choose the "Family" over our family – even leaving his extremely pregnant wife alone for a weekend. If something happens, he would even miss the birth of his first child for his sister's wedding he's THAT committed to his mother and her needs.
If we BOTH don't go, I am "controlling" her son and forcing him to abandon his family of origin. To be frank, I don't really care about her opinion on this. My husband and I have a very solid relationship (EXCEPT when it comes to his family!!) and removing their drama from our marriage is what we both want (at least, that's what my husband communicates to me) – we both want healthy separation from them without necessarily cutting them off completely. I don't care if she thinks I'm behind that to the fullest extent lol she already hates me.
My husband on leaving the ob was extremely upset and insisted he just "wouldn't go and that will be the end of it because they will never forgive me." In counseling yesterday, he brought this up and the counselor said it was not a good enough reason to go just to make people happy, to which he responded that it would be his "last opportunity to prove to them that he chooses his wife over his family," ostensibly by "standing up" to them when they say their nasty comments, and generally talk about me positively (?) While I think that's completely irrational on their behalf, he's probably right. Making the ultimate decision between his family of origin and his wife is going to result catastrophic drama – but I think the message is better sent by him staying home vs doing exactly what they want him to do which is go to the wedding – even if he does spend the wedding I guess defending my honor?
I suggested – as much as it would suck – that he leave early in the morning the day of the wedding, attend the ceremony, then come home. That would suck incredibly, but to me it would 1. reduce the amount of time he is away 2. allow him to participate in this important family event 3. demonstrates that he is committed to his wife and child first, while respecting and celebrating his sister's major life event. He thinks this doesn't solve the problem, and that it will have to be all or nothing (he goes the whole weekend or he doesn't go at all) – either he caters to the MIL in totality, or he burns the bridge permanently.
So, internet, what your thoughts. Am I irrational? Is there a secret third option we're not considering?
Tl;Dr: Should my husband go to a wedding with his family who treats his wife like garbage, 3 states away, leaving the very pregnant wife at home. And if so, what is an appropriate amount of time to spend at said wedding?