For context, we've been together for 4 years as of last month.
She hasn't always had the greatest health, up to and including throughout our relationship. At least since we started dating, she had been in the hospital for various ailments, with the first major one happening last year, when she got into a car wreck that left her needing spinal surgery.
After that, she really didn't have much in the way of other hospital visits up until this spring, when she had to go in for 2 weeks. She had an organ removed but she seemed to make it through alright, at least up until Memorial Day weekend. That seemed to be about the time when everything started to fall out. After her and one of her best friends fell out, she went through a funk. She also noticed something else about her wasn't right, so she went to see a doctor about it. That led to a month of searching for answers until she found out she had cancer. The next month was all about a hospital stay to remove it and her recovery. Once she was finally discharged at the end of the month, she and her mom decided to move in with her grandmother, initially for her own recovery, but also because they felt bad she was in that house all by herself for that entire month.
The first few weeks were great. She was in high spirits and was super positive about beating it. Our relationship also seemed to be trending in an upward direction. Then the bottom fell out. I can't recall what happened, but she left the house for a day or two and made a new "friend". I was quite weary and expressed my concerns to her, but she wouldn't listen. This will also be partially addressed below.
The next week is when things seemed to become unraveled. Later on in the week, she had an appointment at the hospital where she sought her cancer treatment and we booked a hotel the night before. There, we had an argument that led to her storming out of the hotel room. In retrospect, things could've been handled differently, but what happened was her mom and I stayed behind and figured we could've let her cool off for a few minutes. That turned into about an hour. I finally went to go look for her and found her outside of the hotel. She had apparently walked around and met some homeless people and told me she wasn't planning on coming back to the room. I called her mom and told her she needed to come talk with us to try and squash it. She didn't, so eventually we just went up to the room. Girlfriend told her side and how she felt betrayed by her own mother and kept calling on both of us to apologize to her. Her mom did but I didn't, and this will also be addressed below as well.
The next day, we returned home after her appointment and since I had work the next day, I figured I would head out and go get some rest. This is really where things started to unravel. The next day, I texted her several times. I saw she had read the messages but some of the stuff I said to her, she'd normally respond to but she let them go unanswered. It wasn't until later that weekend when I finally heard back from her. She had really changed. I can't give details on what she said, but she just hasn't been the same person since then. I had talked with her mother about how much she had changed in such a short amount of time and she noticed it too.
This was followed by her becoming even more distant from me to the point where she stopped wanting to talk as much as she used to and the communication was becoming more one-sided from my side. See, this is a problem that I've had myself over the past few years. It's sad to admit, but she's my first girlfriend. I was never used to the attention until she showed it to me 4 years ago. Several times throughout, she would always bring up that I need to work on my communication and that she can't keep doing this. It was also around this time that I started to do some self-reflecting on my own self. From her texting me all the time to her only texting me when she wanted to. How. The. Turn. Tables.
That led to last weekend, when she had me get something of mine from her, which led to us seeing each other for a few hours that night. It was the first extended time we saw each other since the fallout. I helped her out around her grandmother's with whatever she needed and took her to the store for a few things. I kept talking with her and telling her things I was willing to change and every now and then she had responded well, but she's also going through a lot herself. At some point, her and her mom got into it, which led to her running out the front door. Not wanting a repeat of the hotel, I expressed my concern to her mom and gave her a couple of minutes to come back. She didn't, so I went after her. She hadn't actually run off but she texted me and wanted me to leave. She had threatened to run away and not come back but decided against it because of her kid. I thought I'd stay by the front door but she caught on and yelled at me to go back in, but then I went back outside after another minute or two. I told her how I felt and that I wish this "new" her would go away and that I wish she'd see that things would get better. This then led to her expressing her own concern about me and my issues.
The main ones she listed were anxiety, depression, and trust issues. I'd been struggling with the first two (admittedly) for at least a year before we got together. It would come and go naturally for about a half year, with an old friend having been my main support through that time, just by talking and being there for me. There was really no mention by her of me going to see a doctor for my problems but I started to feel better, ironically around the time the pandemic changed the world. A few months after that is when I met my girlfriend. Things seemed to be going well for that initial honeymoon stage, up until several months into the relationship. That's when my issues started to come back. This was about '21 or so. This was when she started suggesting to me that I needed to get in and see a doctor about my issues. I kept telling her I'd be fine but really made no effort to get in to see one. It wound up culminating into one day, when I shared a video that talked about unaliving oneself. I had said something about wishing life was better, then posted the video, then mentioned not wanting to become another statistic. After that, and after we worked out some issues, she had slowly still mentioned getting in with a doctor but again, I still ignored her.
I finally decided the next year would be a new me… at least up until I started to set up appointments and shit. What really turned me off was at the time, I was really financially struggling, and the initial appointment was way beyond my price range. She was understandably upset about me canceling and kind of gave up. The only times she mentioned it after that were during arguments.
As for my trust issues, that can be traced back to the beginning of my adulthood, when people would ask me for money and promise to pay me back. More times than not, they wouldn't come through, which had me feeling so burnt. That would happen several times in this relationship, but it was so different. It wasn't a handout she was asking for, she legitimately needed my help on several occasions. At first, I was genuinely happy with helping her through whatever. Then it got to a point where I felt like she went from needing help to using me. That then led to her starting to say that if it came to money, she'd pay me back. She didn't more often than she did, but I decided to pass most of those off because it was usually smaller amounts. That being said though, that didn't mean she NEVER paid me back, but it was the times she didn't come through that irked me. Looking back on it now, it was fucked up of me to put my own trust ahead of her needs. That's been something that I've been massively regretting all night.
Going back to the one night last weekend, she had mentioned how she didn't want to see me sink any lower mentally than what I gave, and thought I needed the help. I told her I'd do it for her this time, but also for myself. It was the first time I had really listened to her on the subject and decided to take it seriously.
Monday came and I made the first call to the tribal health clinic closest by (I'm Native American btw) and tried to get the ball rolling on getting my mental health in check. That first call could not have gone more awkwardly. The first lady I talked to tried her best to explain what I needed to do, but there was such a disconnect that she wound up having to get someone else to help me. The old me would've gotten extremely flustered at this point and hung up the phone and given up. Not the new me that's willing to accept the help. Anyway, she broke down how the process goes and told me what info I needed to gather to start getting my chart filled out. That was the call I made the next day, to get it set up, since it'll go across the board rather than simply just "mental health." Now, I have an appointment set for the 30th, which will be with my primary care and then see where to go from there.
Throughout the week I did try to reestablish a line of conversation between me and her went nowhere, aside from her insistence that she be given more space to figure herself out. During this time, she stopped saying "I love you" to just "Love you" and I feel like that's on me because as much space as she's needed, I've constantly kept texting her and trying to talk with her. I'm not making excuses, but I've just simply held so much in my own head that I'm still searching for a healthy outlet between now and my first doctor's visit. A lot of it has been me apologizing for ways in which I've wronged her and other messages have been about me declaring how in love with her as I am.
Also throughout the week, I've been updating everybody on my progress until the doctor's visit, from letting everyone know I'm acknowledging a big issue with myself to different quotes that seem to hit home with me. In my mind, I'm letting go of the toxicity and not letting it stay bubbled up, but it doesn't seem to be the case at certain points. Which led to tonight.
A few times throughout each day, I had been posting on Facebook, my first few actions in my own journey to better mental health as well as any thoughts I had on my own. And I've had A LOT. Really quite overwhelming from the other side. But chief among them are when I'm gonna see a doctor and a daily countdown with a reminder to keep staying positive. However, due to me keeping my thoughts bottled up for so long, I've also made the choice to let my thoughts also flow out. Throughout the week, I've even shared my own thoughts with her, to which she snapped that she needs her space. I thought I'd take my time and not say anything but apparently a few hours or so isn't it.
Just tonight, I brought up how I brought her a couple of things to her grandmother's last night and that led to her revealing she took me off her Facebook. It hurts me and then I explained why I was posting so much. She then took it as me trying to take pity for HER situation and that I was entertaining other girls who'd listen to me. That was never my intention at all and the fact she thought I'd dismiss her own issues for mine… I reassured her that I hope she can make it through everything she's going through and that she remains strong through it all, but I just wish that she could understand that despite everything she's going through, that sure she's first and foremost, that it's also affecting those around her as well. My eyes have really been opened to some of my own problems and how I need to correct them.
Well, this sub is known as advice, so I guess I need to ask: How is it possible for me to have a sit-down face to face with someone to actually apologize to someone for things I've done wrong to her when she does not want to have that with you? I've had a lot to say and a lot to discuss, so much to atone for, and the one person I was hoping to hear me out, as understandable as it is that she's going through her own struggles, isn't willing to speak with me on these issues and try to work through them, so I'm stuck.