I'm not in the mood to be called an idiot or be berated over this, I've gone through enough to get it by now, I just want advice to be able to fix what's broken and help her live a worry-less life in our relationship. she has set many boundaries in the past three years of our relationship and I feel as if I have broken all of them to the point where she can't even trust me anymore. I'Il try go through as many as of them as I can.
To start she has set boundaries regarding use of pornography and stated that it isn't to be used within our relationship due to early on in our relationship where I had used to during intercourse to be able to help myself finish faster as it had used to be hard for me. At the time she at thought I had been recording for personal use. This caused insecurities and poor self esteem, and as a result, she had told me to stop use of it completely, to which I had agreed to. Despite this, there have been occasions, though rare, where I have used it behind her back. Guilt on its own is simply not a good reason to help her feel better, additionally she struggles to believe that guilt was there and struggles to believe I am attracted to her at all when I truely do feel it.
secondly there have been multiple occasions in which she has pointed out that I have made inappropriate comments to and with other people. There has been multiple, so I'll go over all of them as best I can. One time was with an online girl from Canada, lots of our conversations had been regarding me and my girlfriends sex life, and as a result of being fairly new to sex, made many remarks about how I struggled to finish In bed. Additionally there were many comments made on genitalia size, breast size (including a comparison size between them), and other things like that. Though despite me not having any intention to pursue her romantically, I can understand how these would of came off.
Another thing Is prior to our relationship, I had been with someone else, though closer to the beginning of the relationship with my current girlfriend, my old relationship was growing unstable and I knew it wasn't going to work out in the end, but only stopped talking to them after I started dating my current girlfriend. And out of embarrassment of the entire relationship even happening, I deleted all messages from myself that were sent to my ex. My girlfriend had recently found out about this and was able to determine what had happened using only my ex's messages. There had been tons of sexual and flirty messages that sent back and forth. This obviously had made her reconsider whether or not my love had been real or not especially since I took so long to fully cut them off, told my girlfriend I loved her during the time I was with my ex and never told her about them because I convinced myself it wasn't real. And only recently I had texted them again so they could remove a post that had been put up online when we were together. Though my girlfriend hadn't taken it lightly when I didn't directly tell her that I had sent that message before she had found it, however I didn't stop her from looking at it as I hadn't thought she would feel strongly about it.
there was a friend of mine who told me they had hypersexuality, one of the ways to cope that they utilise is to vent her thoughts all onto a private twitter account she chooses a select few to be on so they can see. I had been one of these people, and after being allowed onto the account, i didn’t think a whole lot about it. i wouldn’t reply or acknowledge the posts being put out, which contained many posts about their sexual interests. i had mentioned to them that due to our age gap, them being 14 and me being 17 at the time that maybe i should be taken off before i had turned 18. but after turning 18, i again, didn’t think too much of it and stayed on the account until my girlfriend asked me to take myself off.
and lastly there was this one person I had met on an online game who gifted me with a lot of in game currency, they began to chat with me via direct messaging, tho they began to say a lot of out of pocket sexual remarks despite only knowing me very briefly. my girlfriend had asked me to block her multiple times and it took me a while to finally do it after many ignorant excuses from my end. Then she asked to see the messages multiple times after I showed snippets of them to her making fun of the remarks, though I had removed the message channel and the full conversations weren’t able to be found through normal means. this had gone on for 3 months and over her birthday but over a year later she only recently found a way to recover there data and saw the messages but only the ones from me. and from what she has shown me there are a lot of messages of me initiating and making similar remarks. meaning i unknowingly had lied to her about the things that had been going on making her lose trust in me even more
she had set many boundries and i broke all of them and made her think everything was ok and i feel awful for it due to how it has made her feel recently and all i want is for our relationship to heal because i don’t want to leave her and she doesn’t want to leave me so i need advice on how to fix what’s broken