TLDR: I wish I was horny a lot more often but I'm not and it's starting to affect my husband's self-esteem and our relationship.
My husband (38M) and I (31F) have been together for 9 years. When we first started dating our sex life was extremely active. It was the fun new honeymoon stsge. Sex and other activities were daily; and a lot of really explorative, experimental stuff. We had/have the same turn ons & kinks.
But of course, almost a decade later, we now have two kids (12 and 6), and we're busy working full-time and being parents. We have a good marriage. We work well together, we communicate well for the most part, we have fun together, we consider each other our best friends, lot of the same interests. We talk on the phone on his way home from work every day, we watch a lot of TV together, sometimes play video games together. Dates are rare, maybe once a month when we can find childcare. No major fights or conflict. Sexually is where it falls. Because yes, same kinks, and our bodies work very well together. I love sex with him. (I often joke "I found the guy who could make me finish and married him.") But… unfortunately, I'm at the point where I can go long periods of time without sex. It just isn't something that I prioritize or think about much. I'm not walking around wanting it all the time. I'd happily have sex daily, but I don't initiate because I'm not thinking about it, and if we went weeks without I wouldn't notice.
We went through a lot 2 years ago and nearly split, but we have made a big effort in the last 2 years to work on ourselves and our marriage. My husband got and stayed sober, I've gotten medication for my mental health (depression, ADHD), we both got new jobs that pay better and offer more consistency/stability. We communicate so much better.
My husband and I also have split childcare, housework and cooking so it's not all on me anymore and has not been for a while. And I recently got sterilized because we're done having kids (tube removal, didn't mess with my hormones, if anything it made me more likely to want sex because there's no longer a risk).
But I just don't desire sex that often. I would guess that I have a lower-than-average sex drive for a woman in her early 30s, but Idk for sure.
I told my husband I get really horny during ovulation and right before my period, I know that much. Obviously my hormones surge and I want it, so it doesn't seem like a hormonal issue? Right? (I'm supposed to get blood work done soon so maybe that could help)
Unfortunately, by the time the kids go to bed and we're finally alone, it's late and I just want to go to bed. He will ask for BJs/HJs if I'm not in the mood, which I will oblige. That's maybe a once-a-week occurrence. Sex is maybe 2-3 times a month.
My husband is not happy with this. He feels undesired, unattractive, unwanted. He wants to feel like I want him. He wants frequent sexy fliration and random touches throughout the day. He knows we can't constantly go at it because of the kids, but he wants the build up throughout the day and have it pay off later when we're alone.
But again, I don't have sex on the brain a lot, so I don't remember to grab his junk when I pass him in the hallway. I do tell him I love him multiple times, randomly throughout the day, I text him sweet things, pull him in for long hugs, etc.
I asked if we could have days or certain times a day where we sit alone and just connect/engage without TV, phones or kids. Like just 15 minutes in our room when we get home from work and just have a moment of intimacy together and then maybe that'll lead me into feeling aroused? But when I bring up any form of "making the time" he turns up his nose. He doesn't want to have to schedule sex. But I do better when I have a goal and expectations to meet. Idk. I'm a visual learner, I live out of my calendar. I love a to-do list. If I don't have a visual reminder for something, a lot of the time I just forget.
Idk. I wish I could just be a ravenous little thing like I used to be but I'm just… not. I feel like it would be different if the kids weren't around, the kids destroy ANY kind of sexy feelings I have. The minute they walk in the room I'm basically a nun. But clearly we can't make them leave, they live here, so Idk what to do about that. Or he'll come up and try to fondle me in the kitchen with the kids in the next room and mentally I'm like "Ew, the kids are right here. I'm so not even close to turned on. Stop."
And no, my husband is not and will not ask for an open relationship. He wants me. We have talked about that casually and that's just not something either of us want. Not because of jealousy or anything, but it's enough to meet each other's needs without adding ANOTHER person's needs. Feels counterintuitive.
Idk what to do. I don't know if there are things I can do on my own? Or if there are things I should suggest to him? I know that there needs to be compromise. He wants it all the time, I'm indifferent, so I should be the one to meet in the middle because he accepts me not being turned out a lot. This is important to him, so it's important to me… but how do I get horny and WANT to do it? Having it be begrudging isn't going to be good for either of us. He knows when I'm not all in and a big issue is him feeling desired.
Idk. Any thoughts/ideas appreciated. I just don't know what to do.