It seems like when a lady is faced with a crisis like a lost loved one or pet, she will get an influx or texts, etc. from people offering support.
This doesn't seem to be the case as much for men when they lose someone.
This has led me to the conclusion that men are truly on their own. What made you come to this conclusion?
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There have been many such points. Having my baby alone for example.
Going through my divorce that started last September. (Still not over)
There was a LOT of trauma the last couple of years on my side of the family.
My mom passed unexpected from a hemorrhagic stroke (sort of) when my newborn son was only 3 months old. He had a few heart and breathing issues but is OK now.
We had a gnarly custody battle for my youngest half sister to protect her from being moved across the country because of my mom passing.
My aunt was diagnosed and passed from cancer shortly thereafter.
My oldest brother took his own life.
I guess COVID was technically a thing during all of it, but yeah. Anyways. As soon as it felt like things had started to calm down…… My wife hit me with the “she isn’t happy, and doesn’t want to spend the next decade of her life unhappy” and left.
It’s taken a lot of processing, and a lot of hurt. She actually came over the other night asking if we could fix things, and as much as I miss my family I have to have more respect for myself. I didn’t get a free pass during all of this, I kept working, providing, and doing the things I needed.
It’s mostly acceptance of the divorce knowing that I truly am alone. And it’s going to be OK.
Edit: for people reading, when I say this is the moment in which I knew I was truly alone in comparison to my family members passing, it’s because in my mind our vows were a commitment to each other. Through good and hard times, including the passing of others. I knew I had somebody to lean on when these things happened, and now I don’t.
When my father died.
I was 19 and came home, where I lived with my parents, and my key didn’t work.
I could understand that, I was drinking and partying a ton, coming home at 4 and 5 am, working a menial job with no intention of improving.
But the real kicker was when my older brother came to the door and said “You’re not allowed to be here!!” and called my mom to rat me out. She said they had changed the locks, and while I was welcome home if they were there, I wasn’t allowed to sleep there anymore. She told my brother to stop being such an asshole.
I’ve always had this amorphous feeling of being alone, like there was a piece of plexiglass between myself and the rest of society, but that moment made it obvious.
I came to the same conclusion for the same reasons, however I discovered that conclusion was incorrect.
I used to think that if someone couldn’t give me what I wanted at a specific moment, it indicated that they didn’t care about me. What I discovered was that just because people don’t offer sympathy or support unprompted didn’t mean that they wouldn’t provide it if I did ask.
I needed to learn to be ok with asking for and accepting help. I still struggle with asking for help and still struggle with accepting it, but I’m grateful for what people are able and willing to provide, even if it’s less than they were capable of or less than what they had received from me in the past.
It’s a hard lesson for a lot of men when we learn we have to build our own support system. I’m fortunate I’ve built a great one and I learned that lesson in my formative years that it was the only way to have one.
Long story short, my brother was deployed 3x in the span of 2 years into Afghanistan and Iraq, every close person I reached out to for help dismissed my emotions. In the middle of that 2 year span, one of my closest friends since elementary school nearly died in a car accident and was in a coma for months. The people who should’ve stepped up for me didn’t.
> she will get an influx or texts, etc. from people offering support.
This doesnt happen by default. Most women spend a lot of time nurturing these relationships and helping other women out when they are struggling.
Speaking as a man, most men generally dont place a high value on nurturing these kinds of relationships and that’s one of the reasons we dont get an influx of support
This is a false narrative. You get what you give in personal relationships. Show your friends and family that you care and they will show you this in return.
I’m an engineer and got a PhD. I AM the support.
Seven years old. I started to understand how off my family was from the norm, and I realized I would have to build my own foundation. Obviously I couldn’t at that age, but it led to me working hard in school, college, and giving up my 20s and 30s to my career just to build my own safety net.
I’m 46 now, and _finally_ starting to relax a little.
What happened? For what it’s worth we’ll listen here.
When after my mom died, my wife still went to go be with her friends for the weekend, leaving me home alone.
I haven’t realized it yet. When my mother died, I got emails and phone calls from my friends who were thousands of miles away. One friend and his wife visited me around then and brought flowers (of condolence) with them.
I’ve had other difficult times and have leaned on these friends via phone calls and they offered what perspective they could as well as a listening, caring ear. I also have that with my siblings.
And I have been a friend to these people when *they* had tough times, like a bad breakup or death of their parents or a recent death of one of my friend’s best friends.
Of course, it hasn’t all been perfect. All friends have disappointed me a little now and then, and some have disappointed me a lot–and some of those larger disappointments have led to the dissolution of the friendship. I hope to retain caring friends and be a caring friend–and I’m doing what I can to do that.
11, when my parents forgot me at church for the 3rd time.
One of my first memories…🤔 Almost 3 years old, I was at the beach, i can’t remember how I managed to get there alone. Was looking at the sea, while families around me, were gathered, kids playing, parents talking and laughing. 🤷♂️ I was dying, and I knew that nobody else would care. At least I managed to get to a beautiful place ( a magical place in my agonizing childhood eyes ) some of us learn very soon what it means, being on your own.
Fortunately, at 39, I still have a solid group of people who have my back.
There are so many incidents that make me realize this. The most recent is moving. I am always the one people go to for help. Various things like moving. So far NO ONE has offered to help and I have moved most of my stuff by myself.
I just worked on my gf’s car right before moving and she didn’t help at all. She didn’t even offer. I asked and she used work as am excuse.
Also, everytime I work on a car for someone I think about how it must be nice to have someone to do free mechanic work worth hundreds of dollars or thousands.
25.
It was a progression. My dad got remarried when I was in high school, and then bought a house that didn’t have a bedroom for me so I slept in a room attached to the garage. Then when I got out of the military and my mother told me I had a month to find somewhere else to live.
To be fair I was a bit of an asshole, but I wasn’t a bad kid. My family had just moved on without me
When I had a medical issue and my ex just said it was nothing. No one fucking cares.
My divorce…we were all tight as a family then everyone scattered. Strained relationship with sibs as it’s about control and telling me what to do. Then my champion, my mom died and that did it.
Ever since I’ve felt that I’m on a raft by myself on the ocean, literally drifting day to day.
Without your rock, love, or family, nothing matters anymore.
Edit: learning to be alone when you’re younger is a perishable adaptation that’s often left behind when we become part of something bigger. If you’re broken off later down the road, when you don’t expect it, it’s hard to recoup or remember how to “be alone”. A major part is being older and in a different stage of life where typically, one would not expect to be in this position.
Age 19, going to school five states away from home. The pharmacist refused to fill my insulin prescription, and I knew I had about 24 hours to live.
We don’t have to be alone.
There’s groups out there than help men. We can join them and get help and give what we can.
Sadly many men have to rely on such groups after having been disappointed by friends and family, and it isn’t always one person was the bad guy and another was the good guy (actually that’s rarely the case from what I’ve seen when people are forthrightly honest).
I guess it’s a lesson many of us learn and we can come to value relationships more afterwards and also value the importance of being able to be self sufficient as best we can.
I’m not alone, I’ve made a ton of friends and as much as I’m not into my family they’d be there for me.
Right now
Going through this right now…turned 38 literally devoted all my time to career, immigrating and I’m also on the spectrum. Feel like its too late to find anybody and settle down at this stage. I even feel jealous of my friend who basically forced himself to settle down and have a kid with a woman he hates, because at least he has people – waking up each morning with anxiety also, my parents are getting older and soon I’ll literally be by myself. Scared shitless.
Uh…this is a really sad thread to read and perhaps why there is a loneliness epidemic in this world among men. I have a strong group of male friends and we’re all in relationships with SOs but we make the time to see each other. OP, what can you do to perhaps turn the tide?
Women tend to put more effort into creating their support systems. For men, we’re on our own when we don’t put in the same amount of effort. I noticed my gf puts in so much time and effort to develop her friendships. She has deep conversations with them often and it’s been an eye opener for me and my friends. It makes me want to make closer friendships, but not everyone wants that.
Men aren’t truly alone this is individualism bullshit, if you feel this way you need to take a step back and come to terms that the main thing preventing you from creating a community is yourself. The relationships you foster are on you. I have no problem reaching out if I need help to men and women and every person in my friend group (male or female) has at least one person to reach out to as well.
I will say there seems to be a push towards individualism and that’s on purpose if we are separated and don’t build communities we are easier to push around and abuse.
Maybe it seems harsh but when I see people talk like this it’s always on them (I used to believe this garbage too), and it may be difficult cultivating a community or strong relationships or find a place to belong to, but as much as individualism is being pushed people always flock together even if they don’t realize it.
So once you come to terms with the self sabotaging behaviors and thoughts, look for healthy places where you can foster friendships.
A decade ago, when my mom died and I was stuck in a lemon of a house on my own, mad with grief. This hot reinforced when I lost everything and ended up homeless – I didn’t hear from most of my social circle once, and the only way I got out was with the intervention of kind strangers. Now I’m at a crisis point again and I’m just going to skip trying to ask for help and scrambling to try to avert disaster yet again, because I’m exhausted of living a fucked up half life where I can’t really help myself and no one is there when the chips are down because I never get my feet back underneath me. Who cares.
Boot camp.
When my best friend of 35 years died and I told my family and nobody followed up once to see how I was doing after the fact. Except my wife who is always there for me. But nobody else gave it a second thought.
The day I ran out of gas on the way to work, 90F out with 85% humidity and me wearing full riding gear (helmet, jacket, gloves, pants and boots) with a dead cell phone that didn’t charge the night before and my wife drove by me on my 3-mile walk back home, and just smiled and waved at me and kept driving. That stung for a day, but the realization that “help is not coming” stings forever.
i don’t know over a decade of nobody calling up and checking on me?
As a 32 F with 20+ year friendships, we don’t have support cause because of our gender we have support because we take the conscious effort to build and nourish our relationships with other human beings. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from trusted individuals in your life. Best of luck!