I (31F) have been dating a really lovely guy (36M) for the past couple months, and I’ve really been enjoying it. We seem to be a fantastic fit everywhere except sexually.
He has only had one longterm relationship of about 8 years, that ended about 3 years ago. The physical stuff between us has moved slowly, which I’m okay with especially given his history. But with each step, things just aren’t what I’m hoping for. He is very passive when we make out, always pulling me on top of him and just experiencing it. He always seems hesitant and doesn’t really seem to crave my body the way I’m used to. He seems to be going through the motions. I have gone down on him a couple times, and he finished both times. I was really surprised that he didn’t offer to do the same for me. Our session just ended with cuddling. I asked him why he hadn’t wanted to give me oral and he just said “it’s been a long time”.
I suspect this is a combination of limited experience and nerves, but who knows. Anyway, I’m planning to have a longer conversation with him about his perspective on sex and how things are going between us. If he can be open and interested in working on this, I am definitely down to give it some time and attention.
So I’m curious – anyone with experiences where this kind of thing worked out? Any tips appreciated. I really like this guy and would love for this relationship to grow.
48 comments
I think the idea of talking to him openly is a really good idea and a lot of what you say will depend on what he answers. I would say, if it is lack of confidence or experience you might want to make sure you don’t accidentally make him feel embarrassed or guilty. So if he just lacks experience maybe saying things like you’d like to try new things out and that it would be fun to give him more experience. So of he knows you are enjoying it and into him it might make him more confident if that’s the issue. Maybe as well telling him the things you’d love him to do to you and just letting him know how much he turns you on etc.
I know from experience it can be hard if you have a partner who isn’t that into sex with you after a while and it can knock your confidence.
So I’d say speak to him but also try and be mindful if his confidence is low that you can make him more confident by phrasing it in a positive as to how much you are turned on by him and want to do even more
Honestly if you can stomach it, you can always talk about his past relationship, cause there might be some kind of trauma related to sex coming from that. If that’s it, suggest some counseling to him. If not, he could just be a lazy partner.
> I’m planning to have a longer conversation with him about his perspective on sex
As a 35m, that’s a good idea
> He is very passive; He always seems hesitant
If he is inexperienced like me, he might avoid doing some things, or avoid being more dominant out of expectation that it will somehow offend you or turn you off.
Another possible explanation is: he tried being more open and excited in the past, but it was met with negative reaction.
> I have gone down on him a couple times, and he finished both times. I was really surprised that he didn’t offer to do the same for me
People are different. I could be reluctant if we didn’t talk about being exclusive and haven’t taken STD tests yet. Also if I had a headache or some strong neck pain at that moment.
Other than that, the idea of going down on the woman I like, makes my mouth water)
> If he can be open and interested in working on this
I think it’s important to show first that you yourself are open minded and open to sexual and sensual exploration and experimentation. Once the emotional atmosphere is safe and he feels your acceptance, there you go. Ask and discuss your thoughts, desires, kinks, expectations and the way you feel about all this.
I also think that taking a mojoupgrade test together is a great thing, as is sharing the sexual checklists (of what you won’t do / are open to do / want to do).
In addition to your conversation (which is a great idea) you could pass along some literature that might help him understand at his own pace where you’re coming from
I grew up reading a lot of Dan Savage and he had a term called GGG. Good, Giving, and Game. Which is pretty self explanatory but you could send him an article about that
There’s also that book “She Comes First” and I think I read something similar decades ago (can’t recall; too old) which is also pretty self explanatory
I’ve also had several inexperienced partners and really the sex only got better with one because she truly started to enjoy it. The other one felt weird about it and even though it improved it sometimes felt like she was going through the motions and didn’t understand why people liked sex. Anyway hopefully your guy is the former and not the latter
A nice way to lead in to that conversation is to ask him what he likes and what he likes to think about when he is alone.
In fact, he may not know, and that’s okay. In which case, help him discover himself in a safe supportive context.
Also, a sex therapist might be an idea.
I’m sorry but if he was in a LTR for 8 years and doesn’t know how to please you… I don’t think you are sexually compatible. Yes, as men, we can learn and get better at this, especially with your guidance. The problem I’m reading here is that he actually doesn’t have any desire to want to learn or get better with you. He probably has low sex drive and that is why he isn’t “craving” your body. You need to ask yourself honestly how important it is to you to be sexually compatible. You must assume this will never change with him as there are many factors that affect sex drive. Regardless, you can have the conversation with him and see what he says but you really need to listen. By this I mean, watch his body language, listen to his tone. Don’t get excited by his words but instead be excited by his actions. Not the actions of that day, week, etc. but the future.
BTW… I have a friend who has a higher sex drive than her husband. She loves him, would never cheat, would never seek a divorce, but she is miserable sexually. It sounds like this will likely be your relationship with him if you continue to pursue it.
As you suspect, and as others have said, the best way to go about this is to communicate. More specifically, the best way to get him to change what he does is to explain to him that you want him to do x, y, and z. Some ways of communicating this are going to be more clear/compassionate/comfortable than others; I don’t have expertise in this area, so I’ll gladly defer to others’ advice on that front.
The one thing I wanted to add is that his *reaction* to this is going to reveal a whole helluva lot about him and whether you two are compatible longterm. I read a lot on here about guys shutting down, or getting discouraged, or pouting or whining or feeling emasculated when a partner tries to give them pointers. Remember that if this happens, it’s not your fault – don’t let anyone make you feel like the bad guy for communicating your needs. Conversely, if he takes the advice in the spirit it’s offered, and looks forward to working with you to implement what you tell him and improve, and actually does make strides based on your discussions and, well, for lack of a better word, practice, that is a great sign that this guy is the kind of person who will be willing to work with you to accomplish things and solve problems and improve your lives as a team.
So, I think communicating about this is a fantastic plan, for multiple reasons.
Is it inexperience? Or is he just lazy and selfish!
It can be scary if he’s experienced shaming from his ex, which is fairly frequent in break ups. I don’t know enough about him, but it might be that he’s deep down feeling like his sexual worth is low, and he’s not in touch with that side of himself anymore. I experienced this after my long term break up of 7 years. I stopped even being able to relate to women for quite a while, and when I was starting new relationships I found myself feeling colder, less affectionate and distant even when I really liked them. It was like I wasn’t allowed to express myself with them in the bedroom from some just innate thing in myself.
Communication will go a long way, especially if you provoke answers then do some active listening, and understanding. There’s probably a hurt person in there, and it might also be that he feels like ”if she’s the one who’s on top, I can’t be blamed, and it’s not me who’s being negatively judged when she doesn’t get what she wants from the sex.” which he may feel is inevitable because of his past experiences.
On a deeper level, he may be tying his self worth to how good he is in the bedroom with women, which a lot of men do because they’re told that from youth and many internalize that and can’t imagine anything outside it (it becomes a core belief before we’re old enough to challenge it consciously). If that’s the case, then it could explain why he kind of retreats and lets you take over, to avoid his personal touch and sexual expression being the reason why you don’t work out. Because of course, if your self-worth is tied to it, then when it’s rejected you will feel as if your entire personhood/manhood is rejected, and being passive means ”you pick me”, it’s validating to him as a person.
Saying that:
It could also be as simple as ”I was always the giver in my last relationship and that went wrong. So this is now black-and-white opposites. now my partner can be the giver”, and that kind of thing can be resolved with loving and open communication. Old fashioned trap of ‘easiest change is to do the opposite of what didn’t work’.
that sounds like he has pretty intense intimacy anxiety and he’s just trying to make it through. It could be for a lot of different reasons but man, at 36 years old that’s not a great sign. He may be able to open up, but you have to know that you can’t change people and that trying to and expecting to is setting yourself up for disaster. Sexual compatibility is very important for me, it sounds like it is for you too, and this would be a dealbreaker for me, simply because he hasn’t made effort to communicate with you about his hangups. You are still in the honeymoon period, it only gets worse from here.
You sound really mature, level-headed and compassionate. Your plan to talk to him sounds great!
I will say, I don’t think a previous 8-year relationship sounds like inexperience, though. (Especially when it comes to making out.) You two just might not be compatible in this area, unfortunately. I hope I’m wrong, crossing my fingers the conversation goes well!
Communication. Communication. Communication.
I’m my past experience, men like this may have other issues, self esteem, porn usage, talking dirty to other woman etc.
or he may be gay, selfish etc..
most guys in their 30’s even if not that experienced(and he was with someone for 8 years) will be open to trying to please you. Observe things carefully but don’t ask, listen, check things etc but don’t prepare him so you get to the bottom of it. If your instincts tell you at all to walk then walk and quickly. Trust them
What’s important is being open minded. I was a late bloomer and hey if she says kiss here and touch that and I do it- BOOM! Now that leads to more sex and she’s willing to indulge my preferences as well. And I’ve learned a few things along the way. Sometimes they translate to the next woman and sometimes I gotta dump it for something else.
To me this guy sounds like he is just passive in sex or not interested in it at all.
What do you mean by crave your body? Is he not initiating? Does he not get erections?
When you mean passive kissing do you mean he’s not kissing back?
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I would start a conversation with him about what his sexual relationship was like with his past partner. If he gets defensive at all or seems cagey I would move on. In my experience how to please your partner can be taught/learned, the enthusiasm part can’t be.
“That man is gay and I really believe that”
I’m wondering if perhaps he’s a little intimidated by your experience and his lack of?
Definitely worth having a honest, warm, open chat with him about it.
To answer your main question…. been there, done it, it worked out great. For me, it was just LOTS of encouragement to feel free to try anything. There’s no wrong answers with this stuff, just play and have fun!
That’s the main gist of what I was doing with the lady in question… just lots of encouragement!
I have had a very similar experience with a much less experienced boyfriend. Sex was stiff, awkward, no eye contact, very one-sided, always with light off. Then one day I asked him why he didn’t want the light on or look at me during, and he said his ex girlfriend didn’t like to be looked at. So that was a huge moment where I understood more and he suddenly realised he could relax more around me, and to my relief the sex actually improved over time to the point where by a year in, I was having the best sex of my life. I’m not joking. But we were both very attracted to each other and had a huge amount of built up sexual tension because we worked together.
Anyway, maybe something similar with him. His ex, with whom his little experience was with, may have also been inexperienced. So maybe you could talk to him about what you like or subtlety tell him what you would like him to do. Might help him to relax if he knew what to do
***I asked him why he hadn’t wanted to give me oral and he just said “it’s been a long time”.***
Men who enjoy giving oral don’t have to be asked about it. It’s either yes or no.
I have had sex with a few virgins, and they got the hang of it pretty fast. Our sex life was good and satisfying.
I have also had sex with guys who had experience but basically didn’t feel the need to pleasure me. That never got better.
I don’t know what kind of guy you have on your hands, but I don’t think generosity can be taught at our age.
No. I haven’t had experiences with passive/lazy lovers who later became generous and enthusiasm lovers. They’re lazy for a reason, and it’s NOT your job to fix or change someone else. The person you’re dating is a grown adult who is capable of managing himself. You can ask about it but it doesn’t mean your partner will give you an honest comprehensive answer. He’s had 8+ years of experience and he’s shown you the best he’s got.
You two can always work on it. But this guy at his core once you remove all of the anxiety and inexperience sounds like he leans way more towards a submissive and my guess is nothing is going to change that. He is 36 years old. If he wanted to be the type of lover you are desiring he would have made some headways on his own. I think you need to accept you two are not sexually compatible. My two cents
My first instinct after reading your post was that he may have been ridiculed for his past performance in his last relationship and wasn’t confident to try again with you. My second was he just doesn’t like doing it and avoids it all together. Luckily it’s not like having a car with engine trouble in which the solution could be 25 different fixes. As previous answers have indicated, it’s usually only a few fairly common reasons for the lack of interest or excitement. Hopefully your partner will be receptive to talking about it and there is a chance he doesn’t know why and if that’s the case, he will be willing to talk it out and without the help of a therapist, you can both figure it out. I know friends that have been abused and it has two affects on them, very openly sexual and very closed. I have friends that weren’t very experienced and were embarrassed to be “found out” so resisted revealing what they didn’t know. I had friends that just didn’t enjoy physical pleasure and friends that were ridiculed by their past relationships for a bad performance and hence didn’t want to be put in that position (no pun intended) again. Lastly, some people are pleasers and some aren’t. I personally enjoy giving oral and looking up at my partners face when she cums and moans cuz that gets me more excited. Whatever the reason he gives you, I hope he realizes that it’s important to you and the relationship and the both of you can figure it out. Keep us updated on the result!
There’s a book called “She Comes First”. I’d recommend buying him a copy because he’s missing out for sure
Classic pillow princess
Is he an affectionate person? Does he demonstrate love or “craving” you in other ways but sexually? I sometimes wonder if affection is correlated with how good a lover is.
I’ve dated someone passive like this. That is is how he is. It will not get better. I would personally not stick around to wait and see.
In my case It was a very painful relationship where I didn’t feel loved and would never want to go through that again.
I would talk to him, but if it doesnt improve in the next few months at all, break it off. Sexual compatibility is very important. And at age 36, if he is like this due to his personality and preferences (too early to tell) he will not change. I dont mind the things you described once in awhile in a sexual partner, but if every interaction was like that I’d be unhappy.
Was he physical with his ex? I dont think its inexperience if thats the case. Thats a long time to be having sex with someone. I see on Reddit all the time if a person doesnt do what they want sexually pretty quickly, they just assume theyre inexperienced when thats not the case.
I agree it could be emotional baggage from his last relationship depending on how his ex acted/how their sex life was. I actually dated a guy for nearly a year where we never actually had sex all the way and he kept giving me excuses. It was due to his long term ex verbally ripping his sexual abilities apart. Also, My husband was afraid to go all the way with me when he first were dating because his long term ex had a tendency to accuse men of rape when they didnt read her mind. Once I talked to him about it, it improved, but the other parts werent lackluster like you describe here…
What if you two spent more time naked do intimate things like massages, or playing with feathers etc? If he needs to work through trauma or experience level, this will help. If he’s just not that into you or he has low drive and no desire to increase it, then that will be more clear then too.
It takes patience and communication to improve this area of a relationship, it can also spiral downward pretty quickly due to the sensitive nature & natural desire to intimately satisfy your partner. I would set the tone by asking if he’s comfortable receiving feedback from you to begin with, and if he is, maybe it’s something that you can do every few times you’re intimate instead of every single time. The goal is to bolster his confidence, and empower him – not draw attention to where you’d like to see him improve.
If he’s on board, sentences like, “it makes me feel incredible when you do this”, followed up with moving his hands, and vocalizing specifically what you enjoy. The more patient and encouraging you’re able to be with him, the better it is for both of you. If you do find yourself starting to become frustrated, I would absolutely recommend giving it a rest. Try to be as granular and specific as you can with him about why you enjoy this vs. that, give him opportunities to ask you, “do you like when I do this?” You’ve got to invite the back and forth frequently in order for you two to begin moving in a mutually satisfying direction. It takes trust and openness to share in this exchange, especially when you’re vulnerable, so go out of your way to meet all efforts with a positive, understanding attitude.
Remember to ask him whether this is helpful for him. Which is more helpful: verbal dialogue or physical commands? You want to ease the receiving of feedback on both sides of the equation. The goal is that you’re both able to navigate through sexual terrain that feels unpleasant or uncomfortable for one another, while nurturing the pleasurable portions enough that you can both expound upon them.
It takes work. Purposeful effort, and support from both directions to rev up your sex game in a way that excites both of you. I’d definitely be careful about your attitude when it comes to trying new positions, or bringing variety into the bedroom, because it is absolutely critical that sex remains a safe, fun atmosphere for both of you to enjoy.
Practice makes perfect as they say!
If he is nervous a limited experience (even though he was in a long term relationship sound like bullshit)
He could get better with time but in my experience sex is very important part of a healthy relationship
Don’t be an idiot like me and hope things will just get better over time. This needs to be a high priority issue that needs attention. Ideally with a therapist.
Just talk about it. There’s a very good chance that the woman was not like you. that she didn’t like the things you like. and he might not have any clue what to do with a woman like you. he might be intimidated. just talk to him. if things are going well and he’s as mature as you he’ll either breathe a huge sigh of relief and fuck your brains out or you’ll know that he’s not the one.
whatever you do, DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU NEED. I can’t stress enough how lame it is to be in a LTR with someone that you aren’t sexually compatible with. Its the worst thing ever and eventually leads to misery. don’t do that to yourself. that’s a good friend not a partner.
If there is trauma around sex he has to figure that out and be willing to be honest with you. I married someone whose ex shamed them etc. i believed that over time with patience, understanding and love we could figure it out. He was content to keep going the same way & it was a big factor in us splitting up. The two of you need to have some heart to hearts about this. I often say sex isn’t everything, but if it’s bad it can leach into everything else.
This sounds exactly like my last relationship. I thought at first it was a cultural thing as he would not even touch me down there let alone explore it with his mouth. I tried having multiple conversations about it and he expressed that he did want to do it. However no matter how often we talked about it, and how often he said the right words….. nothing ever changed. It’s almost like he was scared of my V. It made me feel undesirable and that my enjoyment didn’t matter. Good luck to you. You deserve all the things.
I could have written this exact post…
He is 36, only been with one other partner (religious background leading to marriage), I am 31 now, lots of experience and highly sex positive.
We took more than 2 months before having sex.
It was ok and I was hopeful, considering his background. Two years, nothing changed. I’ve introduced my kinks, toys, fantasies….
He was responsive, but never initiated or took the lead. He also told me that generally speaking, he is happy with sex once a week, nothing crazy. He told me he only started being sexually interested at about 20. For me, at about 12.
We broke up a few moths ago, also because of those differences. I felt like this lack of compatibility killed me from within. I felt less and less passionate about anything I’ve done. I think it was also because I was met with this polite indifference at home that it discouraged me deeply.
Having sex just to cum, no exploration, no imagination, no crazy passion.
He told me it’s very difficult for him to imagine anything better than what we had because this was the best sex of his life.
Anyway. We tried to have a spark. We were incompatible sexually and as a highly sexual person, it just meant we could not continue being in a romantic relationship.
We ended things on a very good note and would like it to stay just like that.
My advice: communicate yourself clearly and watch what he does. If he doesn’t take action, have a long talk with yourself and find out if you are ok with a life without passion.
Best of luck, I am sending my best your way.
My last girlfriend had to yell at me and I finally got it through my idiot head that she finishes every time just like me. I am not proud it took that much push, just offering my experience.
My main point might be that you don’t have to give up on the relationship if you really like the guy, hopefully your guy will listen if told your needs. If he won’t then he’s not relationship material anyways.
This only pertains to the oral sex portion of what you said, but: some guys sometimes *absolutely do not* find anything sexy or arousing after climax. Some guys are downright grossed out by sexual stuff post ejaculation. If you’re looking for reciprocation, try starting on him, suggesting he work on you, and then you finish him. He may not have wanted to say “no, sorry, sex grosses me out after” because that can be a *big* self esteem hit to the partner.
As others have said, communication is the best way through this.
no, dump him. i would never waste time on a male that is boring in bed and doesn’t give me oral on a regular basis.
Most likely, limited experience, nerves, and him not performing well in the past could’ve been thrown in his face.
Key to any healthy relationship, sexual and just plain relationships in general, is communication. You said he was in a relationship for near a decade, dudes had his whole life upended fairly recently. Most likely he’s just trying to give just enough to make you (what he perceives as) happy, but doesn’t want to push you away either.
Talk it out, you both deserve to be heard and happy in your lives and relationship.
Saying this as an inexperienced and sexually anxious man myself: **I don’t think his problem is lack of experience — it’s lack of enthusiasm.**
Foreplay, going downtown ’till she gets off, playing with her senses. Even if PIV is not an option due to my nerves or anxiety, you better believe I’m swinging for the fences to please her in other ways.
Communicate with him, as other have suggested. That’s the only way you can really get to the bottom of this. Good luck.
It’s a deal breaker for me. As shallow as it sounds, having bad sex with someone who you are looking to be in a long term relationship with is just hard.
I dated a lady a few years back who was checking off most of my boxes expect when it came to sex. It was pathetic, easily the worst I’ve even had. I’ll admit she tried to get more on my level ( not saying I’m a god in the bedroom but I certainly go above and beyond when it comes to intensity and foreplay) but she just was to passive.
It ruined it for me. The thought of having mediocre sex was just something I couldn’t get over and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s important.
It’s a red flag that he doesn’t seem interested in giving you satisfaction. My ex was like that. He never put in any effort in the bedroom, he did nothing to help me orgasm, and he didn’t care even when I discussed it with him. It seemed as though he didn’t care about me or my happiness and that attitude flowed into every aspect of the relationship. I’m telling you this as a warning. You may be better off without this guy.
Also I’ve dated inexperienced men and they cared about my satisfaction and actively showed this.
Only 8 years of a relationship? I wouldn’t call that inexperienced sexually, perhaps he has a large dry spell after and needs to get back in the swing of it but that’s not the same thing as been sexually inexperienced.. I’ve never had a boyfriend and can count on one hand how many times I’ve had sex… What would that make me then?
I went on a date last night and I enthusiastically and passionately explored about 90% of her body which is how it should be about every time you see each other for at least a few months
Talk about it. Tell him what turns you on, if you keep going how you are he’ll think that’s what you like doing