This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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19 comments
Well…I did it….after all the hesitation and anxious feelings, I finally went live on tinder, hinge and bumble. This is the first time since 2019 that I’ve had dating apps and back in May of this year, I set a goal for myself that I would go back on them by this weekend. And I did it. But let me tell you, the moment all three were activated I got so overwhelmed lol I didn’t like, swipe or engage with anyone. I turned my notifications off and that’s it for me for today. Maybe I’ll check them tomorrow to see if anythings happened but tonight I’m logging off and going to a concert with my younger brother and then home to eat pizza and watch UFC. I am treading carefully with this lol
I wrote yesterday basically about my journey with both turning 30 this year and becoming single back in January. Getting on the apps is a huge step for me, especially after so much reluctance. But now I have to actually engage with others it just feels like too much at this very moment. As mentioned yesterday also, it’s not dating itself that’s causing me to feel these feelings, it’s the apps. They’re the unfortunate necessary evil that I must use and all the headaches that usually comes with them. I don’t want to spend my days tied to them, endlessly swiping and getting down on myself for matches that go no where (or long periods with no matches at all…), so everything this time around will be in moderation for my own emotional well being. But at least I’m trying and that’s the important thing. I know I am ready to date and I would like to find a partner so I am proud of myself for doing this. Now I just have to put in the work….
I’m a soon to be 38 M, who is divorced (3 years now) and has hit the dating scene. Just this past week, my 6 month relationship with my girlfriend has ended. In hindsight it may be for the best. I love her but I realized I put her through some tough times because I haven’t fully healed from my divorce. But I walk away with a wealth of knowledge about myself.
I’m feeling low because it feels like my time is running out. I don’t plan on dating for a while, but I feel compelled to because of this feeling of having to find the right one, now. I want a family, and it really makes me sad to see families out in the open because it feels so out of reach for me. Realistically, I’ll be 40 by the time I get a woman pregnant if things go well.
I’m just feeling down in the dumps. I invested so much into this relationship, which was my longest since being divorced. So much time, effort, energy and resources went to trying to build something, and POOF! It’s done.
Any advice from men who have been in my position? Thank you kindly for your support.
Finally starting to not feel like I’m less than again now that I’m employed. Next month it’s getting myself back out there to find someone
My partner is a golden retriever man but it’s getting out of hand. He’s so nice and caring but I cannot handle how he acts like a toddler being a good boy for his mommy. I know that’s the relationship he had with his mom and I see how he’s reenacting it here and it’s giving me the ick so bad that I pretend to sleep just to avoid him. I physically recoil when he touches me.
And we’re supposed to be getting married lol. Obviously I didn’t know this before but now that he’s getting comfortable and secure, it’s terrible. I need to sit him down and get him to knock it off but this is a serious deep issue and I don’t think he really knows how to act maturely.
He’s great socially on the surface. His career is all about relationships. And he has friends through his sports leagues. But he doesn’t really have deep friendships or see people outside of those environments. So I’m worried he’s just severely limited.
I guess I’m just getting this out there. I feel so exhausted by the way it has seemed impossible my whole life to meet mature, capable partners. I’m not asking for much. Just a grown up.
I am going to see my FWB(28m) of two years today! I haven’t seen him in seven months because I was attending university abroad. He’s so attentive and patient with me. It was only recently that I decided maybe I should try being more intimate with him. He is always open to being intimate with me, but something about him having little desire to move off his family’s farm and having no idea what he wants from life has made it difficult to take him seriously. It’ll be nice to hold and kiss him though, a bandaid for being single for three years.
Mods, she was banned for this? https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/BapFUaPBar
Why? lol
I dated a man for 10 weeks before he ended it, saying he realized he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dating and that our connection ceased feeling romantic.
Then I dated someone over 3 weeks, which I ended yesterday as we didn’t have much of an emotional or intellectual connection.
I find myself missing 10 week man still. Any advice for getting over it quicker?
I finally got the nerve to ask someone out when there’s been tension between us for a few weeks.
At least, I think there was? So far, she hasn’t replied to my text! A “no” I could handle, but now I don’t know if it’s cuz she doesn’t know how to decline, or if she’s thinking about it.
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It’s like I want to meet new people but then again I don’t. I just want to feel that immediate click, that spark. Is it strange for wanting this? added: it’s about dating.
My ex keeps breaking no contact, how do I handle the boundary in a supportive way?
I wanted no contact because being friends with her was only hurting me. She initially broke up with me and by the end of the friendship I found out another ex of hers was back in her life and I asked for no contact. I then blocked her, she freaked out and wanted to meetup to talk it out in person saying she felt some regret. I ultimately didn’t meet her to talk. She keeps occasionally messaging me about random stuff. I believe she keeps bread-crumbing me for attention/validation. I hardly respond and when I do it’s a cold, distant response. It’s only been a month and half.
I want her to leave me alone, unless she wants to genuinely talk things out and work through our issues, either for closure or a genuine but distant reconnection. I don’t trust her. That’s why I didn’t meet her to talk it out a month ago.
How do I communicate to her, in a secure supportive way, that I don’t want to hear from her unless she wants to work to reconcile? I feel like I should ask her if she wants to try meeting again and talk out these boundaries in person, so it’s clear and this breaking of no contact won’t continue. I want to handle this in a way that makes her feel comfortable coming to me for reconciliation, but navigating our disorganized/fearful tendencies feels impossible. I’m trying to be more secure, but I don’t think she is secure yet.
Do I continue to play it cold to see if she works harder at initiating reconciliation efforts? Or try to take her up on that offer to meet and talk? I don’t want to give in to the bread-crumbing by asking to see her, but my therapist has said that the latter option seems more secure and healthy.
So I tested my “OLD is not for me” assumption by trying a few apps – Hinge, Feeld and Tinder, in that order.
Tinder was the most positive experience. I liked the design of the app – how most of the profile elements are optional and you get a blank space to say what you want. The problem was it just wasn’t my scene, not the kinds of people I’d be compatible with.
Feeld was kind of the same. And I didn’t even get past building a profile on Hinge because I couldn’t relate to the prompts, fell outside the boxes you’re supposed to check, and there was no blank space where I could explain this.
At the end of the day, offline dating seems easier by comparison. You can meet people through friends. You can go to places where there are people and make conversation with people.
For me, attraction is about interaction. It’s about personality. I can’t get a sense of that from OLD profiles, but I can in person.
So back to offline dating I go.
Some interesting observations:
There aren’t many working class people on these apps, it seems. Almost all the profiles I saw listed at least a college degree and a job that required it. I didn’t see any plumbers, electricians, construction workers, service industry workers, etc. I found this interesting.
Also, when Tinder thought I was a gay man due to a glitch, the profiles I saw seemed more interesting and more like people I’d want to be friends with. Offline, the men I’m attracted to tend to be attracted to women (straight, bi, pan). But I’m kind of masculine so maybe I’m more attracted to OLD profiles aimed at men? Interesting to observe.
I didn’t find anyone I felt any attraction to aside from platonic. I found a few I considered messaging to see if they wanted to be friends, but I thought pursuing friendship on a dating app could be a bad idea, so I just deleted my profiles.
Shy men of DOT, is there any good way how the woman can help you feel comfortable? I guess pointing out the shyness and directly asking, what he needs is not the way to go?
Hi there, seeking some feedback on a difficult situation and I am going to leave gender out of the equation.
I had been speaking with and hanging out more with an old friend of mine who lives in a different state, and after some time we agreed that we had started to get feelings for each other. I visited them in their city and they visited me in mine and things really kicked off romantically for us and we had really really strong feelings for eachother. While we were both initially on the fence about long distance dating, I decided I was on board to give it a go as I liked them so so much. They eventually decided long distance was not something they could emotionally handle, and decided to end things. It was very painful for both of us, and deemed the distance was the only thing standing in our way. I requested a period of 2 months of no contact, after which we could reconvene and decide if we were able to move forward as friends again or just decide if we needed more time apart before that could happen.
We reconnected after the 2 months (at a distance only not in person), it was friendly and wonderful and fun again, then gradually the original feelings started to creep back in. They then asked me if I would be open to trying out a long distance relationship, and that they felt they might have been too hasty with their original decision not to, and that they were feeling confused about it. I responded that at this point in my life, I have allowed a lot of people to feel confused and unsure about me and I need to draw a line about what I accept for myself. I want to date someone who is sure about me, who is confident about me – is that fair? I felt confident about trying long distance before. I don’t see what would have changed in 2 months for them and when asked they didn’t have a sufficient answer. Am I being too hasty in just cutting it off? I think myself and this person could be incredible together but I am tired of this pattern that seemingly plays out in my life in which people only want me after they already let me go.
Mmh… it’s strange how it’s always an up and down with me. During summer I was desperately trying to put myself out there. I went to meetups trying to get friends, I was back on the apps, dealing with all the aggressively disinterested people on there… and came out having absolutely nothing to show for it, still feeling immensely lonely and wondering what I am doing wrong. I can present myself as a guy with a good job, who takes care of himself, who has a plethora of hobbies, even if unfortunately quite on the nerdy side, who is interested in truly getting to know people and having conversations ranging from deeply philosophic to utterly trivial. A guy who doesn’t expect much, if anything. Just… someone who gives a shit about him. I think I’m fairly good at hiding my abysmal family situation and related trauma or my utter lack of experience with having friends or relationships and whose social anxiety actually doesn’t really show once I’m engaged with a person/an activity. And yet I couldn’t even get any foot in anywhere because I’m too invisible, too below-average when it comes to looks and charisma. It was so disheartening, everything I did felt like such a massive waste of time.
But now I’m back in action at my job, am too busy to think about any of that. The temperatures have rapidly fallen and I don’t really want to go out anymore. I bought two new books, have renewed vigor to play a videogame or maybe go back to writing a story and… that hole in my chest is gone. I am a bit scared about the rebound and how intense my loneliness will come bite back at me when it returns, but for the time being I guess I can deal with total isolation.
I will never get a relationship, will I?
Had a lovely chill evening cooking dinner and watching a movie at my guy’s place. He had to be up early for an event, but told me to keep sleeping and that he’d say goodbye before he left. He woke me up a bit later with the sweetest kiss and told me to stay at his place as long as I wanted. It was just so nice and felt so intimate, to be alone in his place, sleeping in his bed, with his smell on the pillow next to me. I dozed for another hour and then tidied the mess we made in the kitchen the night before since I know he’ll be wiped when he gets home. Can’t wait to see him again tonight.
I haven’t dated since 2012 and I was convinced it was going to be a complete shitshow. I don’t know how I got this lucky, but I’m not taking a moment for granted.
Had a fun date last night but I get a feeling we’re looking for different things and it’s not going to go anywhere (except maybe friendship). Oh well, at least it was fun, and I’m legit open to friendship. Probably the most fun date I’ve had out of the handful of dates I’ve had.
Asked a guy I’ve been seeing if he wanted to do something this weekend and he said he was busy but that we could do something soon. Guessing that was a polite rejection since we see each other very infrequently without talking between so that sucks.
I’m dead. The psych professor and therapist asked me on a second date and then ghosted me. Lmao I really saw that coming but I love the ~communication, honesty, and self awareness~ from a mental health professional, omg.
Now I just need to figure out why this next batch of men are all from a town 30 minutes away and not local. Can’t someone be attractive, intelligent, kind, successful, interested in me, and live within 15 minutes’ drive. Is that really so much to ask??
At least the lady I’m dating Thursday is local.
I think I’m just settling in for a long period of first dates and mistakes. lol first date fall y’all