I live in like a medium sized city, but I don’t do well on dating apps.
Whenever people post about how like they are dating a lot but all of the people they date have X problem or whatever, I’m just like… Are the same like 10% of people just all dating each other and everyone else is “the dregs”?
Outside the apps, I’m fairly social, I have different friend groups and activities I like to do throughout the city where I kind of know people a little bit. So I feel like I’m connected and people seem to like me and like I don’t think I’m perfect by any means but I have a reliable career, I’m independent, I like caring about people and things, I like being creative and I like comedy and music and so on. Like, I don’t know I feel like a pretty average person. But I get like three matches each year on social apps that turn into first dates that ended up not going anywhere. I feel like if I could just get more dates I feel pretty confident that I would connect to someone eventually, but I’m not even getting dates, and it’s making feel really stupid.
How are these people getting so many dates?
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i think some people are more open and flexible when it comes to accepting dates and asking people out.
they don’t let the conversation on the app go on for too long before asking for a date so they’re able to get more first dates in a certain period of time versus someone who might chat on the app for a lot longer before proceeding to a date.
also charm and looks probably plays a big part.
Could just be sheer effort, some people are using multiple apps and really trying to lock down dates, hence why they go on alot, which is probably also why they go on alot of first dates with different people lol. I think if anyone used apps in this way with that sort of goal in mind they would have more dates, whether or not they thought it through and it’s a match is a whole other thing.
A lot of this depends on what you’re willing to date. I know women who used to go on 3+ dates per week minimum but they were basically taking the shotgun approach. Aim for one or two qualities in a dude (i.e. handsome+rich, handsome+funny) and then rely on the date to figure out the rest.
Personally, I’m the complete opposite where I’ll basically avoid bothering unless I’m pretty certain that we’re very compatible. I’ve been on 3 first dates in 12 years but they’ve all led to 2+ year relationships spanning most of that time.
If I wanted to take the shotgun approach I could probably get 1-2 dates per week, and I’m a very average looking Asian dude. A semi attractive caucasian dude would have a far easier time.
But then those guys complain about the cost of dating so really, everyone’s complaining about something.
Quality or quantity. When I was dating lots of people, there was lots of disappointment. Shotgun approach had little success for my personality type.
I’ve had the most success offline by meet cutes, though, so I think the best way to date is to not date, but get out and meet people when you’re living and being your authentic self
It’s all profile. Have a trusted female friend review it.
How are you selling yourself? IMHO that’s one of the first and biggest issues for lots of people on OLD. You need to think of yourself as a product you want to market to the dating demographic in your city
The way you describe yourself sounds like drugstore brand milk. I’ll buy it at 2am when there’s nowhere else to go.
My first year at OLD I got less than 1 date a month and often zero matches. I literally had to change as a person, get in shape, update my wardrobe, have adventures, make new friends, try new things, and challenge myself. During that time I got new pics, kept working on ways to make my profile prompts (and me) sound fun and enticing.
And even after I had a very good profile I still had lots and lots of app messaging mess ups, first date failures, second date screw ups, etc. There is a steep learning curve to dating for the “average person”
So after a few years of getting good at OLD (which no one on this sub ever wants to hear lol) I can regularly get matches and dates and situation/relationships with people I’m attracted to and compatible with.
So I guess my question is how much effort are you willing to invest?
I’m attractive (47M). My bio is good. I’m good at texting and asking for dates in 2-3 days.
What do you think you can do to improve your odds? Better bio, better texting, better dress, switch apps, etc?
I’m looking for a relationship and I’m (happily) quite fussy with who I want that with but I still go on a date every week or so with someone eligible. I have 4 dating apps and spend many hours finding a suitable match – once the match has happened, I get a chat going and a date set up asap. Basically, I treat it like a second job because it’s important to me.
I do take a lot of breaks from dating as it does burn you out but this approach works for me.
Are you male with a slightly unconventional profile?
Have a female friend review your profile if you’re not getting enough matches. A friend chose photos for me once and it was actually pretty good for me. It feels disingenuous a bit because you get help to present yourself, but think of it as highlighting parts women are more likely look for. There really is a difference. We tested, the profile my friend made for me got quite a few matches.
I’m distracted by the number of times you stuck “like” into your post. If that is also how you speak in person, there are definitely people who will find that grating or find some other fault with it.
After reading some of these responses (and from my own previous experiences) sounds like OLD is a crapshoot lol. I’m okay enough with myself to just meet someone irl
I live in the biggest city in the US and am attractive so it’s painfully easy to get dates.
I could book 2 in a night. Often did, in case one cancelled which often happened. I’m female. So that helps. Not that complicated. But, I also have absolutely no fear of rejection, so I’ll ask guys out for the second (backup) date. A small percentage would say yes. I think people who can’t get dates aren’t asking enough people out. Gotta get over your fear of rejection.
I have a large social network, I spend a lot of time in bars and attending events, and I DJ as a hobby. I meet new people every week, from demographics that have many single people, in contexts that are conducive to dating. I’m also a professional photographer which I believe gives me a huge advantage on the apps which are very visual.
Looks – of course
Age – if you are a cut off Age a lot of people you won’t get as many swipes
You also need to put in the effort to swipe and like
You also need to be proactive in leading the conversation to coming out on a date asap
Being a woman
Honest answer? I’m hot, I have a good profile, and I’m friendly.
I don’t think I was ever terribly unattractive. There have always been a few guys interested in me but for most of my life nothing overwhelming. A few months after my husband died I got into fitness and went from maybe a size 6-8 to a size 0-2 (which is healthy for my build.) When I felt better about my body I started paying more attention to how I dressed, my hair, my makeup, etc. In the last few years I’ve seen a huge difference in how I’m treated. I get hit on and asked out very frequently- more than I would have believed was realistic 5 years ago. Strangers regularly tell me I’m pretty. I even get better customer service. It’s not fair- I’m the same person I always was- but it’s a huge noticeable difference.
On top of that I’m generally friendly and approachable. As for OLD, I put effort into my profile and have things that facilitate easy conversations instead of generic answers.
You can be all the things you describe, but you have to convey that you are an interesting match through your OLD profile.
I’d recommend posting your profile on here for feedback on how to improve things.
Try not to be disheartened by OLD. It can be difficult and it will take time to find the right person where you mutually want to continue seeing each other.
I’d also recommend reflecting on the dates you have had to think about why they didn’t make it any further. It could well be that the chemistry wasn’t there or the interest wasn’t mutual. Think about how the conversation went, how did you feel, how did you come across, what did you talk about, how did you show an interest in her, etc.
Regarding the latter point of showing interest. Everyone is difference, but my experience is that you do not need to have physical contact or kiss on the first date. You kind of have to read the situation. For me it is getting to know her through questions and carrying those on through a conversation if there is more than can be talked about. Hopefully they will do the same in return. Showing you have an interest through body language. E.g. facing them, leaning towards them rather than away, etc.
I wish i could tell you. Get a few hits now and then but never been on a date. I tried the tactic of asking for a date pretty early in the conversation, but never worked. It kinda baffles me a little because some of the matches seems pretty good like in terms of values and hobbies. So kinda need that last step to actually go on a date.
You dont list your standards. Some men Ive talked to think they have reasonable standards with OLD when they dont. Particularly, some really only want to meet with the hot women but dont describe it that way to others. Some men will meet almost anyone who they dont think is ugly off the apps. Some men are more likely to message first and ask out quickly like others have said. A *huge* factor is where you live. I used OLD from ages 21-28 and I did it in rural area, suburbs, cities and literally right on the edge of a city during this time period…cities and right on the edge of the city, I got WAY more opportunities to go on dates that suburbs and rural areas. When I lived in a rural area I had to drive at least an hour to men. How good looking and how good of a conversationalist you are will be a factor too.
I think the reason is simple. Dating apps give you quantity but very little quality. The online daters are all ending up with only one or two favorites, and many times their success is no different than dating the old-fashioned way. A person might appear to “get a lot of dates” but how many of those are keepers?
But seriously if you have all that going for you, why do you need a dating app?
I don’t know your age within the “over thirty” demographic, you could be pushing 40, or just barely 30. But the younger you are, the more successful you will be.
I’ve tried to be really honest in my profile and that seems to work. I’m single, 39F (yes I know being female helps!) with two little kids and a busy life. I really didn’t think anyone would be that interested. That said I’m also really caring and empathetic, introverted, read a lot, into psychology and look after sick and disable kids for work. Giving that information seems to attract the right people.
I only have a couple of photos because I’m camera shy but also because I want someone to be interested in who I am as a person.
Could you try talking about who you are as a person? What makes you special and unique that someone who likes your photos should know?
>Are the same like 10% of people just all dating each other and everyone else is “the dregs”?
Honestly, this is not 100%, but yes, it is true. There are a lot of “invisible people” both men and women, that just don’t get seen (swipe left).
You can read about the OLD statistics, often published on the site’s blog. Everyone is looking for the top 10-20% even if they’re not in that league.
People will tell you it’s about your profile, but if you’re hot AF, your profile won’t matter. You can be holding a fish, with a foot on a dead deer, in a dirty wife-beater tee, and holding a can of crappy beer, wearing sunglasses. You’ll still get matches.
Yeah, I read about it online and seems that it is heavily segregated between haves and have-nots (data suggests this as well). There are people (usually women) that post about going on 50+ first dates per year, which seems pretty crazy. For guys, I think you really need to try to be near the top because the competition for dates is immense. I think your experience is actually the normal one for most men, so you shouldn’t feel too bad.
I probably would go on 2-3 dates on average per week over a period of ~2 years (with some off time due to short term “relationships”)
* Most of these came from Hinge
* I would also leave a comment on a prompt text (rather than a photo; unless it was responding to the caption)
* I would engage with the person in good faith (i.e. not making sweeping generalizations or negative assumptions)
* If after chatting for ~1h, I would ask if they wanted to get a drink
* If so, I would offer my number (and say it’s cool if they wanted to remain on the app)
* We would talk day, time, and location and make an explicit plan
* Neither person would typically reach out after that
* I would check in the day of the date around noon to confirm
That led to lots of dates, and never once (I don’t think) did anyone no-show. 50% of the time if someone didn’t text me from their number, they would not follow through with the date. It was probably about 90% follow through with people who did text me from their number.