I went to go delete my Hinge stuff two weeks after breaking it off with a guy who wasn’t emotionally available. We were amazing when we were together and then I was “out of sight out of mind” when we were apart and he’d go days without texting me – I’m not comfortable with that communication cadence so I let him know (about a month ago), he thanked me for telling him and said he would work on it, and then I gave it two weeks and he started being avoidant again so we called things off.
When we did split we had a decent conversation and the last thing he said was, “this isn’t goodbye, I just don’t want to trigger you while I work through this very necessary shit.” I was glad to hear it.
Before I deleted Hinge I got curious so I looked if he had disconnected our conversation… he didn’t. He did update his pictures and everything and I’m kind of crushed.
Somebody put this in perspective for me? I’m trying to avoid the “why am I not good enough” deep dive and could use some external validation.
19 comments
We’ll never know for sure why people act the way they do. Perhaps he is working on his poor communication but it’s also possible he just wants to meet someone else asap, and new photos does suggest the latter.
I would move on. Whether that means getting back on hinge or a different app or focusing on yourself for a while is up to you. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, and I wouldn’t wait around for him. When people say things like “I love you” or “this isn’t goodbye” during a breakup, I usually just accept the comment with grace but never bother to dwell on it.
Well, it looks like this guy wasn’t that much into you. You don’t do anything bad and you just have boundaries regarding communication and that’s ok. Just move on and don’t wait for him.
First and foremost, this has nothing to do with you. You are absolutely good enough and given your reaction to his avoidance, you seem to be understanding and easy going. Someone else will value those qualities. This guy seems to be emotionally unavailable (obvious). The fact that he updated his photo says to me that he’s just looking for connections and “fun” without the emotional attachment that comes with a monogamous relationship. I’ve dated guys like this. I wouldn’t discount your time with him as not being genuine, but also do not ignore the major red flags here. His absence in communication for days on end is a big one. Regardless his reasons, that’s someone who is not emotionally available. You don’t deserve to be left wondering why he’s not communicating with you and feeling the hurt that accompanies his actions. Keep telling yourself that and know there is someone else out there who will reciprocate in the ways you need to feel secure and appreciated. 💕
I think I’m just mad that he kind of pretended to be invested for a few months. Was acting like he was open and available when he really wasn’t. I’m at a place where being open doesn’t come naturally but I’m ready to do the work and have awkward conversations and really develop some intimacy. So, I did open up and now it hurts.
what is there to understand, you broke up with him? he’s moving on
You were his backup, probably. Not a good feeling but it’s not necessarily a you problem. Give it some time and you’ll be ok.
Give yourself some grace. Rejection will always hurt, we are hardwired to feel the hurt of rejection as deeply as real physical pain. Sometimes we are rejected for the right reasons, and sometimes we are rejected for no reason. Remind yourself that this hurt shall pass, allow yourself to grieve fully, and then start to move on. People who tell you rejection doesn’t hurt are lying, or they never truly cared. You cared, you took a risk, and while things didn’t work out this time round, you’ve learnt to reinforce your boundaries. For that, you deserve to be proud of yourself.
Feeling not good enough is a dangerous narrative that feeds into a lack of self worth and self awareness. You are so much more than enough.
Someone choosing not to date you in the way you want/need isn’t a reflection of your worth. I would go ahead and consider it goodbye, and be proud of yourself for not accepting less.
Well done for walking away, best to just delete him on OLD as well. The perspective is you matched dated someone they showed behaviour that was incompatible with your needs. You raised it and requested a change they didn’t change to a level that was *good* *enough* *for* *you* you realised that put yourself first and moved on. Now as you are emotional available you will feel some kind of way about this as you had hope that it would work out and he would meet your needs. All completely normal and healthy reaction. This is a case of someone not being good enough for you, you recognising this and moving on instead of sacrificing yourself for their bread crumbs. Xx
This is something that is repeated a lot on this subreddit but I’ll say it again, “If a man truly loves you he will move mountains to be with you”.
And as a guy, I can tell you that it’s absolutely true. When I’m interested in someone, I WANT to talk to her more, see her more often, etc.
Maybe it’s not what you wanted to hear but from your post, he just didn’t seem very interested from the start. Him being avoidant is just to push you into breaking up with him and that way, his hands are clean (plus it’s a lot easier).
“this isn’t goodbye, I just don’t want to trigger you while I work through this very necessary shit.” – Yeah see, that’s just nonsense, he’s playing the victim card and I wouldn’t definitely put much weight into these words (but you seem to have done that now). Again, I know it hurts (I’ve been through that), any rejection hurts really but better for you to just close that door for good and move on.
Oh, and you have done nothing wrong, it’s cliché to say but it’s a “it’s not you it’s him” situation, be glad it didn’t last for years!
He probably doesn’t want to deal with his shit which is why he jumped back into dating. You’re better off and he’s going to repeat this pattern with the next women.
Whether people want to be with you or not doesn’t relate to good-enoughness what so ever. Otherwise horrible people would never be with anyone and lovely people would always be taken, which is clearly not the case.
For me personally the idea of someone telling me they’re upset with me because I didn’t text them for a week raises a red flag (for the relationship, not for them as a person), because I can go weeks lost in my own projects and barely send a “hello” and ”hope you’re doing good”.
Some people are like that, and if that isn’t compatible with you I think it’s probably a positive that it’s ended and if I was you, I’d start looking forward to new horizons and options. Someone will be undoubtedly be compatible with that kind of connection.
Either way, really, you were clearly not getting what you needed from it and so the sad goodbye seems like the natural next step. But don’t let it dispirit you from romance, every person is different and you never know what the next connection will be like. (:
> Somebody put this in perspective for me?
You weren’t buying what he was selling, so he went back to dating people who accept him for who he is and aren’t bothered by his natural texting frequency.
I had a short relationship with someone who sounds similar to your guy. Letting go is absolutely the best thing you can do, because it leaves room in your life for someone more compatible. It sounds trite, but is true that someone who wants to be with you will show you via their actions. Guy I am seeing now is a phone person, not a texter. And yet, he texts me every day. There is someone who will appreciate you and meet you where you are.
Congratulations on sticking to your boundaries! I know it hurts but so many people who post here are unable to do what you just did.
>When we did split we had a decent conversation and the last thing he said was, “this isn’t goodbye, I just don’t want to trigger you while I work through this very necessary shit
Emotionally unavailable to the last…
Time to go invest in your awesome self. Big, big congrats for communicating like a grownup and sticking to what you set down (which were totally reasonable expectations)!!
My new favorite phrase is “if I’m too much, go find less”. I have done a LOT of work to figure out what I need and what is reasonable to ask of a partner and I won’t apologize at this point in my life for it.
You are good enough! You being good enough has nothing to do with whether someone wants to keep dating you or not.
He probably enjoyed spending time with you but he just wasn’t interested in the type of dating that works for you. Doesn’t mean the times you had together weren’t real and enjoyable.
He just wasn’t the right fit for you. It’s hard but it happens. Be proud of yourself for being open to something real.
You cut it off, he’s looking for someone else that’s better fit. You should do the same.