TLDR: Me (26F) & bestfriend (27M) best friends for 8 years, rejected me 8 years ago but remained close since. Recently has told me he thinks I could be endgame and wishes he hadn't finished things to quickly. When I told him I liked him, he said he wanted to be 100% about his next gf. My self confidence is at an all time low but I don't want to lose him. Any thoughts appreciated.
Sorry if this is a long post.
I've (26F)had a good friend (27M) since uni, about 8 years now. We matched on a dating website, we were seeing each other for a few months over the summer, talking everyday for hours on the phone but when we returned to uni and went on a date, he told me he didn't feel a spark and something was missing. I was pretty crushed by this and it, admittedly, had a huge impact on my confidence, wondering what was wrong with me, why I wasn't enough etc.
Since then, we've both been in long term relationships but remained friends. He broke up with his gf about 2 years ago, and we became very close again as I was helping him through this with his mental health. Then my relationship broke up, and now we're extremely close again. He has told me he wishes he hadn't broken it off the first time and seen where it would have taken us, and we've both admitted that sometimes we think each other could be 'endgame' (the person you end up with).
He lives in another country for work, and I flew out to see him. We had such a good time, and I was surprised how easily we went from friends to lovers whilst I was there – he was affectionate with me and we got along even better than normal (he can be quite difficult sometimes, so I was thinking I'd probably be sick of him quickly and this would squash any feelings for him).
Since I came back, I've realised how much I like him, and the thought of him dating other girls makes me miserable. I told him this, and he said that he likes me, but he wants to be 100% about next person he dates. Honestly, this was crushing, it felt like we were repeating ourselves from 8 years ago.
Since then, I've left it, but it is eating me up. My confidence is at an all time low, and I'm constantly looking at other girls thinking 'maybe if I looked like her, he'd like me' (also worth nothing that I do not look like his normal type, despite him claiming he doesn't have a type). I honestly think I'm falling in love with him. I have been trying to distance myself from him to avoid the pain, but it's really hard. Part of me thinks he's keeping me around for company until he meets the one (he denies this).
I wish I could snap my fingers and these feelings would go away. I don't want to lose my best friend over this, but I don't see any other way of getting out of this than little or no contact.
Any thoughts on this situation would be really appreciated. How do I stop my feelings for him so I don't lose thise friendship?