I have been with my husband for the past 6 years and been married for 3. I met him during our post graduate program and fell in love. He is the most wonderful man and an amazing life partner. He does everything right, cares for me through think and thin, he was my rock when I battled depression, he makes sure of the little things and the big things, gives me reassurances whenever I need them and I need them very often. He tells me everyday how lucky he is to have me, how much he loves me and how I make him happy. I know- the irony!
We moved to a new country 7-8 months ago and it has been a really tough time since then. Lack of a social circle, new culture, no job, financial struggles etc. I found a job but he is still looking for a job. Every time he would get rejected it would be taxing for both of us. The entire process is really devastating.
So the cheating part- I met this person (30M) at work, we talked for a bit as I was just trying to connect with people at office trying to make friends. Tbh, I did have a crush on this person and I told my husband about this crush as well. I told him that I will take care of it but I didn’t. I should’ve stopped talking to this person then itself but I didn’t, I realise it now. During one of the conversations somehow we confessed that we find each other attractive and that led to a 4 day sexting conversation. I felt nervous yet excited the first day, 2nd day I felt guilty but felt like I couldn’t stop, trying to look for traces of cheating in my husbands phone, 3rd day idk why I kept going on and then at the end of day 4 I felt awful- awful that I did something so horrible. So i spoke to this person and decided to end it there. But I already broke my husband’s trust, he trusted in me blindly. I ruined our marriage, we built it with so much love. I ruined everything. This was one month ago.
Since then I have gone through different phases- phase1: I will just keep this hidden for my entire life, phase2: I will try to find any proofs of when my husband may have cheated in the past (he didn’t), phase3: Guilt. Every waking moment I feel like shit and how he deserves so much better than me. He told me again today, “I haven’t ever been lucky in my life except you” but I fucked him over here too. He didn’t deserve this. He needs to know what his dear wife did to him. He has the right to decide what he wants to do after what i did to him. I want to tell him, I’ve been wanting to for the past few days. He can sense the sadness I feel when I think of telling him and asks me if everything is okay. But he has some interviews and if I tell him about me cheating on him- it will kill him. I can’t do it yet.
How do I even tell him about this? This will break him. I do plan on going to therapy to work on myself but can’t as we don’t have the enough money for that. I really do love him, my husband, despite how hard it maybe to believe.
Do I wait until he gets a job or tell it now?
How do I even tell him about this?
TLDR- I cheated on husband and now I want to tell him about it.