We've been dating for around 3 years and have had a solid relationship. There's been a couple bumps but nothing big enough to ruin the relationship. Around a year ago, I got bored and decided to download a dating app specifically for hookups. Idk why but I felt the urge to cheat. As soon as I logged in, I felt a wave of guilt and immediately regretted it. So I deleted the app and just forgot about it until now. The other day we were hanging out and we were talking about people who cheat. I don't remember why. He said if i ever cheated on him, he would be devastated and it reminded me of what I did and I started feeling guilt. I've been feeling horrible for the past couple of days and I'm considering mentioning it next time we see each other. How do I bring it up?
TL;DR: I’ve been in a solid relationship for 3 years, but a year ago, I downloaded a dating app for hookups because I had an urge to cheat. I immediately felt guilty, deleted the app, and forgot about it until recently when my partner said cheating would devastate him. Now I feel guilty and am considering telling him. How do I bring it up?
23 comments
The fact that you’re asking how to bring this up shows you’re missing a fundamental understanding of the dynamics in your relationship. This isn’t just about guilt—it’s about why you felt the urge to seek something outside of your relationship in the first place. If you don’t understand that, confessing this won’t fix anything, it will only bring chaos.
You need to ask yourself: why were you so easily tempted? Was it boredom? Was there something lacking in the relationship that you didn’t communicate to him? Or was it a deeper issue of personal validation? Whatever the reason, those are the things you need to address first. Confessing just to alleviate your guilt is selfish if you don’t have a plan to improve the relationship or yourself.
If you do decide to tell him, understand that it’s not just about your moment of weakness—it’s about acknowledging where your relationship stands and how you’re both contributing to it. You don’t bring this up as a one-time “oops” and expect things to stay the same. Be ready for the consequences, because once you open this door, things change.
Ask yourself: are you ready to have that deeper conversation? Are you ready to face the possibility that he might see this as a sign that the relationship isn’t as solid as you think? If not, then you need to focus on why you had that urge and address that before dumping this on him for your own emotional relief.
I don’t think you need to tell him about it. You didn’t cheat. You had a lapse of judgement and almost fell to temptations, but took control and held yourself back. People have moments of weakness all the time, and what’s important is that you didn’t fall for it.
Use this as a learning lesson for yourself, grow to become a better person so it doesn’t happen in the future, and strive to be as good of a partner as you can.
Don’t bring it up… no need to. Unless you want to torpedo your relationship.
You don’t. It’s okay to have worked through something on your own, and that’s what you did — you worked through the urge, the boredom, the curiosity on your own.
Reasons to tell him: if you’re so bored that you want drama ie you want to have a good cry, you want to have a good fight, you want to break up and be blamed for it
What result are you looking for in bringing it up? Make yourself feel better and the expense of his peace of mind? You didn’t cheat. End of story.
Take that shit to the grave.
Tbh I think it’s weird you want to tell him. It sounds like you want your relationship to end but you don’t want to be the one to end it.
Yes. Tell him. He deserves to know and make his own decision.
People in here saying you don’t need to are likely just cheaters themselves. If the roles were reversed, people would be saying, “She deserves better than you!”
Just tell him.
When people tell their partners about their minor errors in life because of bad conscious – they are not doing it for their partner – they are moving the issue away from them self, hurting their partner, killing the trust and hoping that the partner will absolve them from their error so they can feel good again.
So do NOT HURT YOUR PARTNER!!!
You need to ask different questions to yourself (and reddit if you want).
Why did I do this??
How can I stop me for repeating this activities?
Do I need to improve my relationship with my partner (emotionally or sexually)?
Answer these questions or get help to answer them.
Finally – remember you are responsible for your actions – and – you are responsible for ensuring you have a great life WITHOUT self sabotage!
You nearly self sabotaged your relationship by thinking about cheating – do not self sabotage you relationship by killing your partners trust by telling him this.
BUILD your partnership by telling your partner you want to make your relationship better emotionally and passionately. (Take a look at “The As If Principle” by Richard Wiseman on how to improve your life and behaviour.
I almost stole it once, but I didn’t do it. Should I tell the police about it?
You’re only guilty of actions you’ve completed, not thoughts.
But u/johnnykrane comment needs to be read and taken seriously.
Don’t bring it up, if we take your word for it, and you only downloaded the app and then deleted it before talking to anybody, there is no need to mention it.
“Idk why but I felt the urge to cheat.”
Don’t bring this up to your partner until you figure out why. For a lot of reasons.
1. It’s the first thing he will ask. You better have a reason.
2. You already said, “I got bored”. If that’s the reason, the best thing you can do is decide whether you were bored with your partner (steady, solid relationships can feel unexciting) or bored in general (putting you at risk of doing it again).
3. If your bringing it up would be to make yourself feel better even though it would hurt him, that is not fair to him. (It’s also not good for you.)
Some urges to cheat are impulsive, and if impulsivity is a problem for you, you need to attend to that.
If you felt the two-year itch and did nothing about it, good for you.
But if you think he brought up the topic of cheating and being devastated by it for a reason, he might have cause your download history.
If you must confess, make a plan in advance for how it’s going to go. Be ready for him to be sad, mad, defensive, distant, and doubting. Allow him time, be patient and loving, acknowledge that you would feel miserable if he had done the same, and stay solid in the fact that you never opened the app, you’ve never cheated, and much time has passed.
But know that the fact that a year has passed might increase his feeling betrayed by your dishonesty over time, wondering what else you haven’t told him. Just take whatever comes with peace in your heart and he might trust that you still believe in the relationship and you are not guilty of cheating, only speculation.
You don’t tell him, because that’s just relieving yourself of the guilt. You’ll feel better but he’ll be upset. At the end of the day you didn’t actually do anything so just learn to live with the guilt you feel
You need to address with yourself first, why you felt you did that. And second, with him so you can communicate with him effectively
Don’t do it. Learn from it. Be better.
DONT DO IT.
It’ll change things for the worse , & the trust will be ruined even though you didn’t follow through.
I’d listen to everyone , fight the guilt & move on. Obviously don’t do it again
You walk to the edge and where strong enough to not step over.
A solid relationship? I doubt this as you wouldnt be here would you. SO lets get that BS out teh way now. You are on a dating app that tells us adn him that this was no random action, you planned it, thought about it and decide your would carry it out.
This is full on betrayal and you need to start admitting it to yourself because this whole post is you denying there is a problem. ***”He said if i ever cheated on him, he would be devastated and it reminded me of what I did and I started feeling guilt.”*** This is why you feel guilty, because your a cheater and you know it.
Now it wasnt physical and as far as we know you havent done anything emotionaly but you need to do 3 things.
1. See a councilor. They will probably say the same things I have said, but will give you the tools to get over and past it.
2. Say nothing. Got that. Nothing till you have has a few sessions with a shrink.
3. Be honest with yourself and forgive yourself as you stood on the brink and pulled yourself back.
You didn’t do anything and it will only cause problems if you bring it up. Take that shit to the grave.
You don’t tell him anything. You didn’t actually cheat and the fact that you thought you wanted to means nothing. People think of cheating all the time. Had you met up with a person from the dating app with the intention of cheating, that would already be taking things a step too far. However, you downloaded the app and deleted it almost immediately so really, that isn’t cheating.
Show me a person, man or woman, who hasn’t fantasized about someone else at least once and I’ll show you a liar.
Don’t do it !!!!!!
If you don’t cheat why mention it?
Are you expecting a pat in the back and a “good girl. Thank you.”?
Or is just for the drama?
On the other hand maybe he is better knowing so he can go away. So you are free to do what you wanted.
I’m gonna say something controversial and everyone on this app will shit on me for it but i’m still gonna say it
If you have to urge to cheat but you normally don’t do that or would feel bad doing it,
It’s HIS fault. He lacks masculinity to where you don’t respect him enough
Masculinity= respect= love
Don’t tell him. You will gain nothing from it and probably destroy your relationship.